I am an addict...

I am an addict.

I don't have track marks on my arms. I don't have bloodshot eyes. I don't drink alcohol. I don't have slurred speech. I don't have a face that shows meth usage. I don't have glazed eyes...unless I've been eating doughnuts. 

I am a food addict.

Food addicts hide their addiction. We let it define us. We become obsessed with food, crash diets, exercise, any thing we think might change our ways. Just as a recovering alcoholic can not have 'just one beer', food addicts can't have just one bowl of spaghetti and go back to clean eating without repercussions. I know some of you are reading this and balking at this claim, that a person could be ADDICTED to food. Ha, it's FOOD, duh, we need it to LIVE. Yes, we do. However, food addicts don't stop at survival eating, we eat emotionally. Oh, you got engaged, let's have cupcakes at work. Ooo, you're pregnant, congrats, let's have a baby shower and eat mints and cookies and those little sandwiches cut out in shapes. I'm so sorry, you're great aunt passed away, I'll bring over a bucket of chicken. We eat when we celebrate and we eat when we mourn. Now you might be saying, but Cris, I only seen you eat one cupcake at that baby shower. Well, I'm here to confess that what you DIDN'T see was the double cheeseburger, large fries and large sweet tea I had in the parking lot in my car before I came in. You didn't see those cookies I snuck in the bathroom either. And since I'm so good at my addiction, you missed the plate I took with me covered in foil for my sweetheart since he couldn't make it. 

Tonight, I began a journey to treat and eliminate my addiction. I went to my first Food Addicts meeting and I took a pledge to change my life.

I AM an addict, but I'm also a friend, a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister. My addiction no longer defines me and controls me. I'm the girl that always smiles, even when I'm sad. I look great in a pair of bootcut jeans and cowboy boots. I have long, natural curly, natural black hair. I have eyes that change colors. I have eyebrows that are always perfectly manicured. I appear perfect from the outside in most terms. I have a multitude of friends that love me unconditionally. I never meet a stranger.

I am an addict.

Those Eyes...

Two years ago yesterday (8/14), I had spent the whole weekend cleaning my house and getting it all put together with the help of my parents after my marriage ended abruptly. It was night time and I was tired and just wanted to lay down and cry because life had yet again not followed the planned path and took the woods and made a path where there wasn't one. A friend of mine called and insisted that I meet them at Hooter's and just hang out because I didn't need to be alone. I said "I look like hell, but I'll come out for a bit." Unbeknownst to anyone in attendance that night, it would become the night that I look back on and remember with fondness looking into another pair of eyes that reflected the same pain that I had been through. Over the next couple of months, I would find that those eyes held so much pain, fear, hurt, anguish and even tears. In October, we will celebrate two years together. Since that random night two years ago, I've found so much more in those eyes: love, faith, trust, passion, my future, strength, honesty, laughter, amongst many other things. This journey gets better every single moment that I share with him. Blessed beyond measure.

The Random Fact Project

The Random Fact Project

Here goes:

1. Everyone calls me Cris. If I hear someone say Christina, it sometimes doesn't dawn on me that they're speaking to me for a few minutes. I've almost always gone by some nickname from everyone in my life: Monkey (my daddy), George or Cris Bauc (my momma), Christi (my cousins), Crissy Cris (my Keeta), Sister (Ashley), Dorkfish (Tash), Princess (various), the girl in the green VW (good ol' Franklin days), Ladybug or Sunshine (at work) and Lil' Cris (referring to my lack of height).

2. My hair hasn’t been my natural color since I was nine years old. A kid made fun of my premature gray hair on the bus when I was in the third grade and when I came home crying, my mom started dying my hair that very night. It is back to my natural black at the current moment.

3. I, like Barbara Mandrell, was country when country wasn't cool. I have listened to Reba for as long as I literally can remember and had never even heard of Motley Crue until I went to see them in concert with Aerosmith in 2006. I once got in trouble in fifth grade for listening to Salt N Pepa because my dad heard the lyrics to a song that he didn't approve of. My first tattoo: the Dixie Chicks chicken feet.

4. My daddy died when I was 20 in a tragic, freak accident in an 18 wheeler truck in Ogalla, Nebraska. I have never fully accepted it. I still try to call his phone and ride down the road where his house used to be expecting to see his truck in the driveway. When I have bad days, I write letters to and talk to my daddy, because I know he gets the messages.

5. My doxie is like my child and is spoiled as such. Her name is Norma Jean Turkey Baucom, but she goes by NJ for short and yes, she's named after the famous Miss Monroe. She once lived in the woods behind the local theatre for six months before I got her back after she was abandoned after her adoption.

6. I name my vehicles. Current vehicle: 2011 Kia Soul+ more commonly known as Inkie!

7. I am obsessed with all things miniature. It doesn't really matter what it is, as long as it's a smaller version than the standard version, I'm a fan! I have a miniature Tupperware keychain, a mini bottle of Heinz ketchup, a mini cheese grater, a mini Dachshund, amongst TONS of other random things.

8. I love with all my heart. I treasure the lil' things. Listening is the sweetest thing you can do for me. My fave gifts are cards with handwritten messages. The man who owns my heart knows both of these facts and acts on them frequently.  

9. I keep a tube of mascara in my pen cup at work. Mascara is a must have, no matter what. I will go to Walmart in my pajamas, slippers and rollers in my hair, but if I swipe on some mascara, I'm beautiful!

10. I have OCD and get picked on about it quite a bit. If I bake ten fish sticks, I bake 20 tater tots (yes, I count them), b/c I know I eat one tater tot with half of every fish stick. If someone happens to reach for a tater tot, I spaz that I'm going to be off on my calculations. I'm weird, I know.

11. At the tender age of 31 years, 1 month and 16 days, I have had my gallbladder removed, had cervical cancer surgery, been diagnosed diabetic, have a peanut allergy, broken my left foot three times and had surgery twice on my tailbone. The rest of my life should be a breeze.

12. I have been married twice. The first one lasted 2.5 years, the second one just short of 8 months. I don't deal with bullshit and I've learned some hard life lessons through these two marriages. Third time's a charm, right? 

13. I 'grew up' on my Nanny Dot's farm. It was the absolute best days of my life: cooking on fires, feeding cows and pigs, getting chicken eggs, throwing cow poop at each other, catching baby pigs in buckets, fishing with a cane pole, picking blackberries, tasting beer and tomato juice on accident, getting flyswatter whoopings…I hope my kids have as wonderful of memories about their childhoods as I do.

14. My cousin Craig is my absolute favorite and will always be my "Brudder" even if I'm 100 years old. The only guy greater than him in the world was my PawPaw and only because he's older.

15. Since I was a baby, I have picked little cotton balls off of blankets, couches, sweaters, etc. and rolled them between my thumb and pointer fingers until I fall asleep. Currently, there are some on my floor in my room and I need to vacuum. It's a very bad habit that I haven't managed to break in almost 31 years.

16. I am a diehard, win or lose, dedicated for life Tarheels fan. You will never convince me that they aren't the best there is, was or ever will be.

17. I have seventeen tattoos. Most people don't even realize I have any and I'm asked alot if they are real. I've started saying no, just to make people wonder. My funniest tattoo is a turtle humping an army helmet on my left ankle. He is confused and thinks it's another turtle. I have a praying hands tattoo on my left shoulder for my daddy that I got four days after his funeral…it took over four hours and was worth every second.

18. I only eat certain Ranch dressing. I don't like bottled Ranch at all. My mom makes the best Ranch on the planet.

19. I have over one hundred bottles of nail polish, over fifty pairs of shoes and more than thirty hair products at any given time. All of my friends get me to do their nails and toes rather than pay high priced salon prices, but I go to a salon to get mine done. I use an average of five hair products in my hair each day, rather I wear it curly or straight.

20. I have known my two best friends for 9 years and 3 years and they know me better than anyone else and still love me. I think we were seperated at birth. I have known my longest friend since the third grade. He was my first crush and had a rat tail. 

21. I remember the most random things. The first time I met LesALee, she thought I was making fun of her eyeshadow. The first thing I smelled when I woke up from my gall bladder surgery was oranges. Yeah, I know.

22. I read a lot. It doesn't matter what it is really, I'll read it. I love true crime books, but have a hard time with them since my dad died and I have become ridiculously paranoid. I'm currently reading "Sisters" by Kristin Hannah. I sometimes read three or four books at a time. I will carry one in my purse, have one by my bed, one in mom's van and one in the bathroom. I'm a book nerd to the highest power.

23. I am a lil' addicted to MTV reality shows. I've never missed an episode of TM, TM2, 16&P, Jersey Shore or Real World. Thank you God for whoever invented my DVR, because I hated recording on VCR tapes.

24. I always have a camera with me. Not just my cell phone camera either, a full blown camera…ALWAYS. I love pictures and capturing moments that I can never get back.

25. I'm ME. A lot of people think I'm really tough and on top of the world and never have a bad day and that's what I want people to think. I hate to burden people with my sad story or bad day or tear filled moment. I'm very sensitive and cry easily. I laugh at myself to prohibit others from offending me about my insecurities. I'm funny. I'm five years old on the inside. I'm your best friend. I'm your worst enemy. I'm ME.

And a few bonus points, b/c I actually had enough for the 25.

26. I love to write. It is my outlet. My laptop is full of random thoughts and ideas. I blog on my blog spot. Some of my stuff is private and I keep it to myself, but writing has helped my temper a lot!

27. Growing up, my mom and I were poor. Not just couldn't buy name brand stuff poor, but she could feed me but not herself poor. My mom is a very strong woman and even though she worked three jobs, we were still barely making it. I am a better person today because of the things I have been through in my childhood. I appreciate EVERYTHING.

28. The first song I slow danced to was "Twisted" by Keith Sweat at 9th grade prom (it was with the guy with the rat tail…LOL). The first song I couple skated to was "Don't Take the Girl" the summer after sixth grade with Derick Fowler. The first CD I ever bought was "Dookie" by Greenday.

29. I have never missed an episode of 90210, Dawson's Creek or The OC. I used to go to College Night at Café late every single Wednesday because that is the night my shows come on.

30. I hate wearing dress clothes and feel like a child playing dress up when I have to because I'm so short and look about fifteen on an everyday basis. I hate that I look so young. My mom says I will appreciate it one day.

Heaven Bound (or are you?)

I am writing this blog in hopes that I will get some feedback that clears my mind on this subject.

It is known that I do not typically discuss politics or religion, but something has been bothering me lately as I see more and more cases of it and I need some clarification.

If you read this, identify the subject of my thoughts and only want to argue or judge me for what I’ve been taught thus far, DO NOT RESPOND.

Back in August, I had a friend give in to their demons and make the choice to take their own life. This wasn’t the first time I had someone close to me (currently or in my past) make a choice such as this. There were a few friends in school, an ex boyfriends grandparent, etc. I sat at her funeral and heard the preacher speak of seeing her again when we reach Heaven’s gates. I sat there with so much confusion and I’m sure it showed on my face. I was so upset that I had gone to this funeral alone and felt very alone, as no one else appeared as confused as I. Several days later, I reached out to a friend whose father was a pastor and asked, “was I taught wrong as a little girl, do people who take their own life really go to Heaven?” My friend assured me I was NOT taught incorrectly and the Bible states in Exodus 20:13, “Thou shalt not murder”. Suicide IS murder and it is a sin. You are forgiven if you throw yourself at the Lord and ask forgiveness, however if in your last breath you ask forgiveness and then take your own life, you have sinned and not repented.

I don’t know why this bothers me so bad, but it does. It eats at me to think I was misguided from children’s church forward with incorrect information in regards to my faith. I literally had to sit on my hands in a funeral for a suicide victim once to keep from wringing my hands. If I was brought up on the Rock and what I believe to be true, then you will NOT see your loved ones that have chosen this selfish and easy out in Heaven, as they will burn in the pits of Hell for eternity.

Again, I don’t want to argue and fuss and fight, it is just one of those subjects that bothers me a great deal and I must know what others have been taught along their path.

Thank you in advance.

I won't give up...

A little over a year ago, September 2011, I stood outside on the deck of my second home with my best friend after he had a particularly long and mindbending day. We had so much in common and it seemed he was the only person who could read the pain and stress on my face without us exchanging a word.

This day in particular stands out in my mind because reading his face that night, I knew things were taking a toll on him and it showed in the worry in his eyes and literally broke my heart. At this point, our relationship was only a friendship that meant quite a lot to both of us and I cared a lot already. As we talked outside that night, I remember telling him, I know it’s hard and I know it sucks a lot, but you’re not alone, I’m here and I’ll always be here, no matter what happens, no matter how hard the road becomes, no matter who is or is not around, I’ll be by your side for whatever you need. It was the first time in my life that I knew I would keep that promise until I took my last breath and I meant it with every ounce of my soul.

Well right now, the road is a little rocky and the tears can’t always be stopped and things are sometimes beyond our control, but we’ve kept that promise to each other and we’ve never once left each other’s side. The things that hurt and leave scars and cause tears are definitely beyond what we can change in the blink of an eye, but we hold on to hope, faith and Christ daily and know that He will fix things in His time and on His terms.

No matter what, I stand by what I said, I won’t give up. Today. Tomorrow. Forever. I’ll never stop believing in miracles, us and you.

Is it November yet?

Warning: I’m venting about this damn election! Here we go…

I can’t help but think after viewing my Facebook feed this morning that I am “friends” with quite a few passionate people. Passionate about this upcoming election, that is. I can appreciate passion, as an avid writer, I am passionate about the things I love and know how to express said things with words and phrases that put you right in the line of my thinking. My issue though, lies in the fact that if you can be this passionate about an election and overflow my newsfeed with your opinions, thoughts and beliefs, I encourage you to use that passion more than 30 days every four years in the time immediately before a presidential election. The thing is, I don’t (and won’t) discuss politics. I have never told a soul who I’ve voted for in any election, as that is my own personal beliefs and choices. I mean, to keep it real, I am a vertically challenged, overweight girl with chicken legs and random tattoos…there’s no need to give people extra ammo to fire at me. However my only concern in this whole ordeal (besides FB bursting into flames from the mass quantities of political posts) is that if we all can be this passionate about a political debate once every four years, couldn’t we use the other three years and eleven months to be passionate about other very serious issues going on in this death circle we call Earth?

Last Friday, I sat at my desk at lunch and watched a video on my cell of a little girl around sixteen years of age expressing her thoughts and inner demons on flashcards that told her story of being bullied…to death. Yes, to DEATH! I’m going to be blatantly honest here and say that when I was between the ages of twelve to fourteen, I was picked on (A LOT) and I guess you could even use the word ‘bullied’ and it wasn’t fun or funny. It hurt my feelings a lot and as a result, I had a very tough skin. So when people hurt me, I hurt them. It was easier for me to fight and build a reputation not to be messed with than to let the “punking” get to me. I got in a lot of fights and it’s not something I am in any way proud of. In later years, I met someone who told me, “I knew who you were, but I didn’t KNOW you and I was scared of you”…that is NOTHING to be proud of. Yeah, I was mean as a rattlesnake and people left me alone for the most part, but it shouldn’t have been that way. Sadly, for this little girl I watched a video of last week, her skin wasn’t as tough and she took her own life because she was constantly picked on by her peers.

That is just one example, but seriously, you want to be passionate about something when this election is over, I’m sure we can compile a list to get you started and it would be things that you can actually rally for that would help someone besides yourself. Fight and rally and spread the word about teen pregnancy, bullying, sexual molestation, harassment, child abuse, domestic violence, drug abuse, alcoholism…do you get my point or should I continue this endless list?

Every Storm Runs Out of Rain

Over the past year, I’ve seen so many things that have amazed me, enlightened me, educated me, disappointed me, shocked me, hurt me and the list could go on for days, weeks, months, probably years. I’m at times in disbelief and sometimes rage at the acts we, as human beings, inflict on others.  This year has been a soul searching, life changing, eye-opener for me and I only wish at times that some others could see the world through my eyes and what I’ve seen and the emotions that have flooded my heart and then, maybe, just maybe, they would know compassion, empathy and love of thy neighbor.

I’ve never been a Bible thumper and I never will be. My beliefs are mine and are not there to be shoved down someone else’s throat, but common decency isn’t out of style or a religious matter. I had to write today, because as much as I know my pain and emotions, there are some folks I know of recently that let those demons get the best of them and they no longer walk this Earth to fight back…the youngest and most recent  being only fourteen years old. I remember fourteen…I was in the ninth grade, had a hella cute boyfriend, loved music and ball bearing necklaces, could walk to my best friend’s house anytime I wanted, had two parents that loved me, two stepparents that weren’t half bad, a ton of friends that I thought I’d be buds with forever and life was simple. Sixteen short years later, hearing a local child of fourteen took her own life due to bullying was heartwrenching. Talk about gone too soon. YEESH!

I realized just how mean, hateful and spiteful people are to each other when it’s never really that serious. I’ve seen it firsthand and I’ve been both the pitcher and the catcher. I don’t talk in innocence by any means but I can say I’ve learned from my past. Currently, I’m awaiting a court date to finalize my second divorce. It’s not something I’m proud of, but on the other hand, it’s not something I’m ashamed of either. I don’t beat myself up about any longer, because I know I did my part and gave my 100% to my marriage and sometimes, things fall apart so that other things can fall together. True, I’m thirty years old and going through it, but at the same time, I have a wonderful man that I’ve built a beautiful relationship with as a result of both of our failed marriages.  I couldn’t be happier than the exact point I’m at right now in my life. The road hasn’t been easy, but he’s been by my side every step of the way and loves me even when I feel I don’t deserve it. Sure, I’ve been talked about and gossiped about and had lies and rumors spread about me (and him), but the people that matter, they know the truth and that’s what matters. Sadly, if some folks would put as much effort into their own well being, relationships, friendships, careers and families as they have into worrying about what Scott and I may or may not be doing, perhaps they would fare a little better. Obviously I’m asking too much of someone who doesn’t have the ability to behave as a grown up, which is why it’s much easier to ignore the stupidity when it’s brought to my attention rather than address it. Yeah, I could confront the ignorance, but I could also talk to this bottle of water on my desk and be in about the same situation at the end of the day…it will make NO difference, because you can’t reason with ignorance.

I’ve learned that relationships aren’t all going to last forever and that’s okay and reality, but when they do end, you can move on and change yourself and your inconsistencies or you can act like a horse’s ass and show everyone how immature and ridiculous you can really be. It’s your own choice really, but I feel like if you could just put that effort into something positive in your OWN life and stop worrying about mine, we all might be a little happier. Okay, so YOU might could be a little happier (really happy, not that fake jazz you spew to the world that doesn’t know you), because as for me and my little piece of the universe, we are unicorns and butterflies.