Better than I used to be...

Whew…it’s really 2012, huh? I must say mine’s already been full of pure happiness and true love and one of the saddest heartbreaks.

For the first time in I can’t remember how long, my New Year’s kiss really feels like something I’ll be doing all year long. In case I haven’t mentioned in the past five minutes, I have an awesome man in my life that has changed so many things for me in the past few months. For 29 years, I thought I knew what love was and jumped in a few times with no lifeguard, no instructions and no life saver and then I learned to take caution and use my head before my heart opened it’s big mouth and I found things are so much better than I even knew they could be. I always wondered what it meant when I heard people say “love doesn’t hurt or make you cry” and I finally get it. Yeah so it took me til I was dang near thirty to figure it out…that’s okay. I learn from my mistakes. If the worst thing I ever do on this Earth is get divorced twice and it keeps me out of Heaven, it’s gonna be a whole lot of folks not there either. I’m just sayin’! Seriously though, I do finally have it all together and it makes my little world such a wonderful place. There’s minimal stress and no anger and yelling and hatred. I fall more in love with every passing minute. I hope in fifty years, I’m still holding his hand and he’s still making me smile when things don’t always pan out. That’s what it’s all about. Sometimes things have to fall apart for better things to fall into place. That’s just exactly what happened in my lil’ piece of this galaxy.

I guess you can’t have sunshine without a little rain and God knows, that’s just what happened on January 2, as my very first ever best friend became a new angel. The circumstances of Emma’s death are still unclear and only the good Lord above knows what her final moments held, but what I do know is this…no one deserves to die, especially not alone and in the winter cold in an abandoned house, regardless of the path they’ve chosen and choices they’ve made. I haven’t seen Emma in a few years, but the recent picture I seen of her is still one of a beautiful, blue eyed blonde with a heart the size of Texas. I don’t know who Emma became in the past few years, but I do know this…in 1988, Emma was my best friend. We walked to school together every morning and walked home together every afternoon. We sat on my porch or back sunroom and played with NKOTB dolls for hours and sang every word to every song. We giggled on the phone and never ran out of things to talk about. So you see, maybe other people feel the need to look at the picture in the newspaper and judge someone who isn’t here to defend theirself, but I look at that picture and still see a seven year old little girl that learned how to skate with me so many years ago. I only pray that the legacy of such an awesome person will be passed along to her children and the negatives will be left by the wayside. I pray she left this Earth with no pain or suffering and now lives eternally as an angel. Rest in peace and faith sweet Emma.

And the next chapter in my new year will open next Tuesday as we take the first steps on what could be a long road, but will most definitely be worth it in the end. Just keep praying and having faith…it’s in God’s hands and we know the truth will be revealed…just gotta BELIEVE.

Bring it ON!

Seriously?!? It’s the last working day of 2011. Where did my year go?

It’s funny, thinking back only a year ago, so much has changed, all of it for the better, although kind of bittersweet due to the situations, not the outcome. My little planet seems to be spinning quite well these days and I love the direction it’s going, but it’s still a shock to me how much can change in so little time.

 More than a few times throughout this year, I’ve let negative people or situations take me out of character and recently I’ve gotten back on track of being true to myself. I’m only human and admitting that I’ve made mistakes is not above anything I stand for. I learn from my mistakes and that’s what makes them life lessons. Someone asked me a while back if I regretted anything that had happened and initially I said yes without any hesitation. After thinking about the question, I realized my answer was actually NO, not at all! While I have lived through one of the most challenging years of my life, I have also experienced some of the greatest moments…a random weeknight trip to Walmart and a hug changed my whole world and regained me my sister, my brother from another and my precious hair twin that makes my whole world go ‘round with a single smile…an invitation to come hang out at Hooters and watch wrestling turned into the beginning of a wonderful relationship and a love like I never dreamed was possible…a chance job application turned into a  career change that put me back on a path I’ve been missing for a few years now…an opportunity to get out of a bad situation moved a piece of my heart to Washington state and made me appreciate real friends…losing my fur baby, Pippi, made me realize how important a dog can be in someone’s life…learning to live on my own made me stronger instead of weaker as I had feared...I could probably go on with this for the rest of the day, but I’m going to stop before I ruin this expensive mascara! Honestly though, take time for you. Live with no regrets. Learn from the past. Love YOU first. Believe it and achieve it!

Now, bring on this new year!!!

You can't fix STUPID

I’m going to start this blog off by saying that I KNOW divorce/separation/breaking up isn’t easy (and my GOSH, I should know). However, at some point, you have to accept what your actions caused and know that you are the sole cause and effect of your choices. No one can make your decisions except for you. Once you’ve made bad choices and your lies have caught up with you…that is NOT the time to try to fix it. You should have been thinking about that when you were ruining your own life.

That being said, it was brought to my attention that my soon to be (not soon enough) ex spoke to one of my closest friends on Saturday night and proceeded to cry on her shoulder that he misses his “wife” and misses waking up beside of his “wife” every morning. First of all, you don’t address someone as something that you never treated them like, so I am no more your “wife” than you are (or ever were) my “husband”. You are nothing more than a tragic mistake I made and allowed myself to be brainwashed by in order to get what you wanted while I was a part of your screwed up world. Instead of continuing to worry about what you lost and telling anyone who will listen your sob story, perhaps you should try telling the TRUTH for a change and see where that gets you. Instead of how much you miss me, advise people on the fact that you had other girls at my house when I was working twelve hours a day because you can’t hold down a job and steady income, tell people how you lie every time you open your mouth about everything from why you never have money to what you ate for dinner, because I spent over $200 on groceries and half of them are gone in two days because you think you are supposed to eat like a pregnant woman that just smoked a pound of weed at EVERY meal, tell them about your temper, tell them how lazy you are, tell them you aren’t capable of being a grown man and can’t even throw your trash away or wipe a counter off, tell them how you talked to me, tell them how you abused my puppies, tell them all your other deep, dark secrets and see if they still feel sorry for you and your sad little life. I DOUBT IT! So if you want to tell the story, tell the WHOLE story, not just what you want people to know. You are not the pitiful soul you portray yourself to be. And I love how the story changes to suit the situation…one time it’s “I miss my wife more than anything and I’m always going to be in love with her and would do anything to fix this” and then when you’re talking to some new girl that you’re trying to win over, it’s “Yeah, I got rid of my wife a few months ago”. That’s right, you did get rid of me and my gosh, I don’t know why I haven’t thanked you for doing me such a huge favor!

Furthermore, I understand you have a new Facebook page that you are sending friend requests from to several people that you are completely aware are friends with me on a daily basis. Perhaps you should take advice from your family and be careful who your friends are, because YES, they do come back and tell me what’s said and what’s going on. On that note, since you have a certain family member that continues to have something to say about me, I’m going to reference something that I learned as a child…she called me a bitch with mental issues that needs some help…and my response is this…TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE!

All of that being said, I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life. Sure, I’ve been judged over my choices and that’s fine…you can’t please ‘em all, all the time. However, I have someone who treats me with love and respect, someone who doesn’t raise their voice at me, someone that holds my hand for no reason and every reason, someone who kisses me goodnight and asks how my day was, someone that cares…THAT is what love and a relationship is all about. Perhaps you should take some pointers!

The End

I wish I could say this blog will be full of my usual sunny quotes and rainbows, however it’s just not that kind of party today.

As of today, I’m 29 years, 9 months, and 2 days old. In less than three months, I’ll be 30. I’ve been through broken hearts, failed marriages, lost friends, backstabbing friends, two faced friends, the death of a parent, the death of three grandparents and I don’t know if any of them hurt as much as I hurt today.

It has taken me quite a bit of time in seconds, minutes, hours, weeks, months, years to trust people because of things I’ve been through and/or witnessed. Usually, I keep people at bay because I’m terrified of getting attached and the rug being pulled out from under me. But every now and then, someone comes along and I DO trust them right away and feeling I have pretty good judgement, I make an exception and let them into my little world and most of the time, it’s a good decision, but every blue moon, I realize how truly wrong and terrible my choice was…this is one of those times.

Few things in life hurt worse than finding out you have a friend that’s actually not a friend at all. I’m hurt, heartbroken, devastated, disappointed, livid, mad, upset, deceived…the list could truly go on for days at this point. Sadly, this wasn’t just a friend, but someone I considered to be one of my best friends and now, I see that she was never a friend at all. I’ve literally been lied to, lied about, talked about, cussed out, etc and I still tried to make it work. Obviously my efforts were not only useless but in vain, as the whole ordeal has been nothing but one huge LIE. I don’t deal with a few types of people: liars, cheaters and thieves. I’ll walk away and save you the trouble.

This is the thing about hurting a good hearted person. We usually know that we’re good hearted. We know people have and will take advantage of us because we’re good hearted. We love and hurt with our whole heart and soul. But once you cross me, I’m done. I can be your best friend, your most passionate ally, your biggest supporter but cross me just once and see if I can’t be your worst nightmare, screw with the people I love and I’ll make you wish you never heard my name. My wrath and fury makes the devil look like June Cleaver. Keep pushing me and I’ll shove back. You won’t win this war. Best advice I can give is to pretend you don’t know me and never did. If you see me, don’t speak, don’t nod, don’t wave…just keep walking and don’t EVER look back.

Parting is such sweet sorrow…sometimes. Others, it’s just a breath of fresh air.

THE END

Rebelicious

It’s taken me some time to think about this blog prior to writing is as I’m not a very controversial person, but I do believe in what I was raised on and feel as though I’m a pretty good person at the end of the day. That being said, please do not read more into this blog than what is written and turn it into something it’s not. Here we go y’all!

Last week, some folks were having a conversation about one girl’s brother dating a Caucasian girl. The girl speaking on the matter was an African American girl (just to avoid any confusion). So, the conversation taking place was that the brother girlfriend uses the “N” word in a derogatory manner (I don’t think there is any other manner, it’s an ugly word) and that the girl is trash and wears rebel flag shirts. Well, I was not part of the conversation, but my ears perked up like a dog at dinner time on that note. I didn’t say anything and kept listening to them bash the girl and her upbringing and choice of clothing. Finally (and I knew it was coming), one of the girls asked my opinion and I said, no one should ever use that word, black, white, Asian, Spanish, Italian, blue with orange polka dots…it’s a rude and disrespectful term and only meant to hurt people. So, the same girl then says, “Cris, do you wear rebel flags” and I said, “Why” (I NEVER saw this coming) and she said, “Because you’re friends with us and I just don’t think white people that wear rebel flags can really be friends with black people”. IS THAT SO MA’AM?

Let me just say that I cut the conversation off right there and said it was probably best not to make this a work topic. SERIOUSLY! Not only am I friends with ALL races and ethnicities, my best friend that I consider my sister is half Spanish, her husband is a black man, my nephew is obviously a mixture of the two, my aunt has never dated a white man, my uncle is married to a black woman, my daddy’s best friend that he considered a brother was a black man and you have the nerve to tell me that I can’t be friends with YOU because I wear a rebel flag on a t-shirt!?!? I think we can determine who the ignorant one of the two of us truly is and if you’re still confused, there are mirrors in the restroom.

I have never felt so offended in my life. And I wasn’t offended because she offended me, I was offended at HER ignorance and lack of couth. How can you judge a person like that? I don’t judge you because you wear earring that would fit around my thighs or question your lifestyle because you wear clear heels in the daytime, but you want to ask me something that stupid in the middle of the workplace of all places? I don’t really have anything further to say about it. Truth be told, people that really know me would never have to ask such a question and love me, cowboy boots, rebel flags, cupcake hairbows and all, because that’s me and where I come from and how I was raised. I’m just simple and southern and if that’s too much for you to handle, you can kiss my country ass!

New Year, New You (and ME TOO)!

I truly hope y’all are ready for the holidays, because they aren’t slowing down and will be here before you know it. That being said, I want to challenge you and myself…don’t wait until December 31, 2011 to make your resolution. Make the resolution now, prepare yourself for success and hit the ground running when 2012 shows it’s face! Without further hesitation, I give you my list…

1. I will renew my black card gym membership at the Planet. This means a few things. It first and foremost means that I have the necessary equipment and ability to get my body back in shape, I must supply the willpower and drive. It also means that I can take someone with me EVERY single time I go to the gym, so those of you that want to go without the commitment, let’s do it! My goal is to go to the gym at least three times a week for the first two months and then move to four times a week during the month of March (excluding my birthday week).
2. I will cut my caffeine intake to 8oz per day and it will be in the form of a diet drink that is dark or red and not yellow (Sundrop is a no-no). I will drink at least 64oz of water each day. I will drink 8oz of 1% milk per day.
3. I will eat healthier. I will eat white carbs with one meal per day, no exceptions. White carbs (for those of you that this confuses include but are not limited to: rice, white potatoes, bread, pasta, etc. I will be more observant of labels and what I’m putting in my body. Salad is my friend, not the enemy or just a “starter” before the main meal. Sweet potatoes are much better than white potatoes. Wheat pasta is not that bad. Season it up!
4. I will continue to accept my past and love myself for taking care of me when it was most important. I will not beat myself up for removing myself from a bad situation. I will not blame myself for another person’s negative behavior and actions. I will continue learning how to be happy and allow someone to love me without mistreating me and bringing me down. I will continue to love him in the same manner. Together, we are so much more than what we are apart.
5. I will continue renewing my faith and belief in my religious walk. I know I’ve questioned God and beat myself up about it, but it’s only human to ask why. Luckily, God understands and forgives and continues loving unconditionally.
6. I will accept my 30’s with open arms and know that I’m not getting older, only wiser and more educated!!! Bring it on!
7. I will overcome and beat Diabetes…my demon that lives within me and tries to bring me down. I know that by becoming healthier and more aware, it is VERY feasible to rid myself of this disease that has consumed me over the past few years. I can do it!
8. I will continue my self prescribed therapy in the form of writing and music. I haven’t come this far and not learned anything and I’m always willing and wanting to learn more.
9. I will end one era of my life and close the door, lock the door with ten deadbolts and throw away the key. And don’t you dare worry about this lil’ gal looking back.
10. I will not stop believing!

So, there you have it. I hope this pushes you to create your own list and be prepared when 2012 rears it’s head! Let’s make it a good one y’all!

All you need is a lil' fairy dust...

The past week has been eye opening for me. I realize that in order to get by in this world, at some point, I have to stand up for me and what I believe in. I get emails from so many people that read this blog, some that I don’t even know and they tell me stories of how I inspire them or motivate them and how my blog helped them through a hard time and so on and so forth and then I realized, would they still look up to me if they knew how easy it is for me to be weak when I’m alone. I hate confrontation, but if needed, I’ll jump right in the lion’s den, however, it’s usually in regard to someone upsetting my momma, my sister, my love, my friends, my dogs, etc…hardly ever is it when someone has betrayed me. I’m quick to defend the people who own my heart, but I let my own back carry footprints and stab wounds without recourse. Finally last week, a co-worker said, “Cris, why are you less important than those around you that you love?”. Dang, never really thought of it that way before, just kind of always went with it. However, last week, I stood up for myself and I stood my ground, even when my voice was shaking and tears fell freely down my cheeks, I never backed down, because I strongly believed in what I was fighting for and knew if I backed down, I would lose my footing and fall right back down. I remember being a kiddo and hearing the story of Chicken Little and “the sky falling”…that chicken ran all over town spreading word that the sky was falling and creating panic and chaos, yet never once stopped to think before I spread this rumor, perhaps I should consider that I may have been sitting under an apple tree. I need some folks to start considering the apple tree before you accuse and create panic and disorder and chaos in your world (and mine)! Life is too short for all this nonsense and self destruction. It’s also too short to spend it being stressed and miserable. Get back in the saddle and ride the horse…for God’s sake, if you fall off, you’re no worse off than you were sitting on the ground under that apple tree, right? At least you took the chance. No one ever won the lottery without buying a ticket. Surround yourself with love, happiness, smiles, giggles and a little bit of crazy (everyone needs a little bit of crazy) and I can almost assure you that you will find while one bad apple ruins the bunch, one ray of sunshine can melt the snowflakes. Again, I remind you, LIFE IS TOO SHORT! Believe and you shall receive…build it and they will come…YOU are the controller of YOUR own destiny! So, I leave you with a sprinkle of fairy dust ::twinkle, twinkle::…the rest is up to YOU!