She's got a heartbeat!

I’m taking time to sit down and pour my heart out today, because I feel like I need to or I’m going to blow a fuse. As most of you are aware, I’ve met someone who I’m completely head over heels in love with. I know a lot of people have opinions about that and that’s fine, you’re entitled to your opinion, however I do ask that you keep it to yourself. I don’t need anyone reminding me of my past and how I misjudged people and feelings and emotions prior to right now, today in the now. I’m totally aware of my errors and I have to answer to myself for the choices I’ve made, but I’m stronger now than I’ve ever been in my life or ever dreamed I could be honestly. Living by myself is a huge milestone that I feared I would never conquer and every night, I climb in that big princess bed by myself with my fur babies and close my eyes with peace in my heart knowing that God watches over my home and protects me when my eyes are closed. I take care of NJ and Skynard and while I’m not a momma, I’m their momma and they greet me at the door, tails wagging and make my day a little brighter each afternoon. I keep my house clean, I keep groceries in my cabinets and fridge and I take care of myself. I made sure I could handle anything that was thrown at me. My grandpa told me, “Crissie, you’re a tough girl and you’re beautiful and you can do this” and by George, I AM!

Now, onto the purpose of this particular blog. On August 9^th, my life took a huge turn that I wasn’t expecting, because I thought I could always hold things together and no one on the outside would know I was slowly falling apart at the seams. I became pretty good at hiding things. I’m going to stop right here and say NEVER DO THIS! It will stress you to the point of your hair literally falling out in handfuls and it’s truly not worth it. That being said, when my world started spiraling, I was scared and alone and didn’t really know what would happen. Slowly, I drug myself up from the bathroom floor (literally) and vowed to never let another person hurt me or walk all over me or use me or make me cry for no reason or take advantage of me or break my heart mercilessly over and over again. I pulled out my journal and I wrote for hours, pouring my heart out onto those pages, because I knew I had to get it all out and I didn’t want to bring anyone down with my mood. My parents came over, we worked on my house, I hung up pictures, I cleaned, I organized, I stayed busy, then a good friend called and said they were going to Hooters to watch wrestling if I wanted to get out of the house and I almost didn’t go. At the last minute, I threw on a Panthers tee, some worn out jeans and Rainbows and headed out the door…not really caring about the wrestling, but just needing to get out of that empty house. That night changed things…for the first time, I saw someone with as much pain and heartbreak as myself and of all things, he asked how I was holding up.

Days turned into weeks and months and it was impossible to fight what was happening, but I tried. It was useless, but I did try to fight it. One night, we went out just us and ended up at the airport lookout and talked for hours. He got drunk that night and I had to carry him in the house (LOL…true story), but he also held my hand that night and I remember thinking, I hope this is the last hand I ever hold. Things have progressed and I find myself living a life that I wanted for my lifetime. Sometimes you have to put up with a little rain to see the rainbow.

That being said, I do spend quite a bit of time with Scott and I’m not going to apologize for it. There are times when I’d rather stay at home and watch movies cuddled up on the couch than go out with the rest of the world. It’s a new relationship and right now, we’re both happy for the first time in a very long time (from both of our perspectives), so I’d appreciate some understanding when it comes to my time being spent. For those of you that have been by my side the past couple of years, I know you understand why my happiness is important, as you’ve seen the things that have taken place and surely know that this is truly deserved. It’s not because my friends aren’t important, you are, I can assure you. I’ve gotten my feelings hurt a time or two, but I’m a tough one and I’ll get past that. I am not the kind of person who ever intentionally hurts a person’s feelings that I care about. More often than not, I care more about others than myself. For the first time in my life, I’ve put myself first for the most part and I needed to do so. I hope everyone takes this as a positive and understands where I’m coming from.

Reason, Season, Lifetime

I’ve learned recently that people come into your life because you are either being rewarded, teaching a lesson,  or being taught a lesson. You can’t mess up your destiny, simply because it is your destiny. God’s been doing his job for, well eternity, so he’s pretty good at it. Practice makes perfect, right?

I got a call this morning at work that just turned my world upside down. I had a client that requested to remove her husband from her insurance plan. I think to myself, “this will be an easy call, I do these all day long and they take three minutes”…little did I know what was about to come out of this woman’s mouth. I’m obligated to ask if it is a divorce situation or if he gained other coverage at his employer, etc. before completing the request. And THAT is where things got emotional…the woman immediately started sobbing and I thought, “Divorce”…just because it’s what I’m accustomed to hearing, but not this time. “No”, she started out, “it’s not either of those. My husband was killed two weeks ago in an accident. He was a truck driver and he got killed in a wreck in his eighteen wheeler.” My heart dropped to my feet. My mind traveled back nine and a half years to July 6, 2002…I was walking around the Nike outlet at Concord Mills and had just found the cutest pair of purple and gray flip flops for less than ten bucks…SCORE! I remember my boyfriend’s phone ringing and it was my mom. I though, duh, why didn’t she call my phone. I just kept asking why she couldn’t talk to me and she begged me to give the phone back to him. My life changed that day. I became the kid with only one parent, not from divorce or abandonment, but from that real ugly, dark word…DEATH. I lost my mind in the middle of that store. The next few minutes, hours and even days are a blur. It hit me a few times that day…I called to cancel his cell phone, to set up a funeral home meeting, to ask his childhood best friend to conduct his funeral, but nothing hit me like walking in that room and seeing what was left of his earthly being a few days later once we got his body home from Nebraska. I’ve never said what I’m about to write to anyone, it’s stayed locked inside my tortured memories for nine long years, but my daddy looked like a monster. He was cut up from shrapnel, even on his face, he was bruised and part of his face was even caved in. There was so much blood in his hair, he appeared to have a bad dye job. I would have given anything to have found I was in a haunted house and the actor could sit up and wash that scary special effect make up off and walk out the door, but this wasn’t Halloween, this was my life and I was living this nightmare. I made it through the next few days and even went and got a permanent tribute inked on my left shoulder the following Sunday, but the real damage from what happened never goes away and some things hit me harder than others. I still drive down Ozark and look over in front of his old house expecting to see a huge Volvo truck sitting there and I still drive through Dallas and remember eating breakfast at the café and I still hear songs on the radio that take me back to places that I only go in memories and pictures, but he’s not in any of those places anymore…

Most people know I’ve been through a lot lately and while a lot of folks would look at the misfortunes as negatives, I can honestly say that they’ve been nothing but positives for me. I’ve learned to love me through this situation. I’ve prayed more than I’ve ever prayed before and I haven’t been afraid to ask for prayer either (thank you Sammie for always being willing to pray for me and with me). It’s been a long time since my faith was as strong as it is right now. I have an inner peace like nothing I knew even existed. I’m not going to lie and tell you that it was easy from the beginning, but I will tell you that it gets easier every single day. I beat myself up pretty bad over another failed marriage and allowing someone to hurt me so bad, but then I realized God still loves me, my momma still loves me and I got the most awesome friends this side of the Mississippi River, so I’m doing pretty darn good! Ridding my life of a failed marriage won’t keep me out of Heaven, I’m sure of it now. Loving myself is a great feeling. Knowing how many others love me is the ultimate feeling of worth. I know in my heart there’s a reason this woman talked to me today instead of one of my 24 other co-workers…God knew I could handle it. Not to say that I didn’t go in the restroom and bawl when I got off that call, but I was there for that lady when she needed someone to listen. I’ve lived that nightmare and survived and she will too. And now, I have someone to say a special prayer for and my pops has a new friend in Heaven. Life DOES go on and if God brings you to it, He’ll bring you through it. Never give up and most importantly, DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

Music Therapy

I’m still amazed at what a song can do to your soul…especially a broken soul that heals a little more each day. I was listening to the Ronnie Dunn solo album (even though I’m not a fan of him, I do like his music) and this song caught my attention. I must have listened to it five times just letting the words sink in. There’s this older country song that I revert back to often titled “I Want to Be Loved Like That” and this RD song was one of those that made me think for more than a few minutes.

'Cause your kind of love's the best ever made
Makes me wanna come home at the end of the day
And fall into your arms where I'm safe from harm

Yeah, you're warm like the sun
New like a dream, you're heart and soul
You're showing me things that I've never seen
And I can't get enough of your kind of love

Someone told me this weekend that I always knew the right things to say to put how I feel into words and I guess it’s because I hear words that say exactly how I feel. There’s nothing abnormal about driving to work and hearing a song that makes me laugh, cry or smile…sometimes for the rest of the day. It really is the little things. I’ve also learned that living one day at a time works out so much better than stressing out and worrying about the “what ifs” and “maybes”. If it’s meant to be, it will ALWAYS find a way. Things happen in God’s time and patience is a virtue. It’s taken me such a long time to see what I really deserve and while at first, I was mad at myself for putting up with it for so long, now I’m just thankful I DID learn and know better. I’ve noticed lately that a lot of people find money so important, yet I hardly ever hear them talk about the importance of hugs and kisses and respect and love. That’s what’s REALLY important. Get your priorities straight. Thank you Lee Brice for the next little round of musical therapy.

These last few days
Have blown me away
The thought of letting go,
And falling
Is actually feeling okay
I must confess
I need some rest
But with every touch
I swear the better it seems to get

Small Town Kid

I’m in training at work this week and as I’ve sat here with quite a bit of downtime, my mind has wandered to my childhood. Most people are completely aware that I come from a split family…my parents married and divorced twice, truly trying to make things work and give me a loving household and upbringing…trust me, I had both, even if it came from two (or three) households along the way. My parents never said ugly things about one another in front of me, as the years moved on, I saw that my dad wasn’t always a quality time type of individual, but he did try. Unfortunately, he chose a career path that didn’t allow him to be there for everything in my life. I was in the school spelling bee in fifth grade and I wanted him to be there and he said, “If you win it, I’ll be at county”. Well I won it and I was so excited he’d be at county and he said, “Sorry kiddo, if you win it, I’ll be at state”…that’s just the type of man he was. He had awesome intentions, they just hardly ever panned out. But the times I did spend with him, were freakin’ awesome! I went to New York City the summer before sixth grade started because my dad was delivering to a huge project at Madison Square Garden and mom and I got to tag along. I saw real street people, cabs, prostitutes, chaos, the Statue of Liberty, the Twin Towers…it was unreal to see these things, as I’m just a simple, small town girl from Gaston County. Furthermore, if it was a random Friday night and dad had to deliver a weekend run, I’d hop in the 18 wheeler and go see somewhere else in this great country. I might have only seen all these wonderful places from an 18 wheeler windshield, but I was spending time with my daddy and I was on top of the world. I remember other truckers all over the place grinning and commenting on the lil’ girl that could scale the side of an 18 wheeler at seven years old, even though she was so tiny. “Yep”, my daddy would say, “that’s my lil monkey.” He left this world when I was twenty and I still answered to “Monkey” until the day he was gone.

An equal amount of my childhood was spent growing up on a big ol’ farm near the South Carolina state line with the coolest grandma you could ever dream of. Dubbed "Nanny" by all of us grandkids, Dorothy Stockton Bullard was a pistol in every sense of the word. So, when you think of your granny, I bet she bakes cookies and wears dresses and knits blankets…well, my Nanny fried taters, swigged Old Milwaukee and wore jeans and muddy boots. She taught me how to make it in the real world and how to be a tough girl. Thanks to that lady, I can start a fire, cook outside, peel taters, shoot a shotgun, drive a truck, ride a bike, fish with a bamboo stick (because I kept throwing fishing poles in the lake when I got a bite), bait my own hook, pick blackberries without getting stuck by briars…you name it, she taught me! I remember once her biggest hog had piglets and nothing would suit me but to pet a baby pig, but I couldn’t catch one. Those little boogers are fast. So my Nanny gave me a five gallon bucket with some bread in it and I turned the bucket on it’s side and lo and behold, one of those piglets ran in that bucket and I turned the bucket upright. Well, I’ll have you know, that piglet squealed so loud at me, I dropped the bucket and turned the pig loose and ran to the creek to catch tadpoles again. I tried to step onto a bull’s back from the tailgate of the truck once…I landed flat on my back AND got my butt tore up. Life lessons, nothing like ‘em! I stood in the back of the truck for hours on end throwing slices of bread like little frisbees out to those animals. Those were truly the “good ol’ days”. A few years ago, my Nanny became an angel and I can’t think of any better person to hang out up in Heaven. I bet she’s giving that Noah a lesson!

I’m sure you’re wondering where all this reminiscing is coming from, since I rarely speak of these things and this is it. I have a very special person in my life right now who can’t see their daughter. It kills me to see what they go through. The best memories in my life are of my childhood and if I remember the good times, that means if there were bad times, I remember those too. I could have told you just as much about the verbal, mental and emotional abuse I endured from my dad’s side of the family through two divorces, but the good outweighs the bad. No matter what the situation, a child should NEVER be kept from a good parent, just because a marriage didn’t work out. You aren’t hurting anyone in the overall situation except for the CHILD. Yeah, you’re hurting the other parent too, but that’s your intentions, so you see that and nothing else. It truly shows your ignorance. Just because you’re selfish and scorned (due to your own actions, I might add), you scramble your child’s life up with complete disregard and lack of remorse. You make the child’s other parent watch them grow up in pictures because you are that spiteful. I don’t know how you even lay your head down at night and close your eyes with a conscience like that, much less look at your face in the mirror every morning. I’m a firm believer in Karma and I hope when it starts walking a mudhole in your ass, I have a front row seat to watch. People like you do not prosper or win. Trust and believe that with all of your stone, ice cold heart.

End rant…back to the butterflies and unicorns!

Bless the Broken Road

Wow, it’s crazy the way things change in such a small amount of time. For the first time in my life, I’m not stressed, I’m not depressed, I’m not strung up in the arms of drama, there’s no tears or headaches every other day…life is simply simple. I’ve never felt so good. I’m just plain happy. It looks good on me, it feels good in my heart. I worked on me because that’s what I promised myself and I kept that promise. I never knew what some time spent on me could do for my well being, but when I look in the mirror, it’s a different woman than I saw six months or even six weeks ago. I think I’ve always lived my life for someone else’s happiness and that wasn’t right, but I allowed it to happen. I put up with a lot of stuff that I realize now wasn’t smart. The good thing is that while I may not have learned as quick as I’d like, I did learn and know not to let it happen ever again. It’s hard learning your worth sometimes and it doesn’t mean that you’re uppity and snobbish to say you deserve better, it just means that you live and learn and do things different the next time around. If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got. I’ve spent some time with a wonderful individual recently and seen what it’s like to be respected…what a surprise. I didn’t even know men opened doors and helped you in the truck and paid for dinner and held your hand during a movie…I think their called gentleman, but they’re such a rare breed, I’m not sure. What I am sure of is that’s the kind of future I want…not for a month, not a couple of years…the real forever…the grow old and gray forever, the front porch in rocking chairs forever, the grandkids forever…the REAL thing. Right now, I’m healing from allowing someone to hurt me and break my heart, but I AM healing and I won’t be broken forever. My future is still as bright as the sun and will continue to be. You can’t break this girl.

That being said, I’ve found out on this broken road that you truly find out who your friends are (and are not). I’ve done some things in my past that I’m not proud of. I’ve been really mean to people who didn’t deserve it. I even missed out on four years of my best friend’s life because I let pride settle within my soul and keep me from saying I was sorry. I’ve been a real bitch in every sense of the word and I pushed people away that loved me and clung to the ones that struggled to rid their lives of me. I’m human and I make mistakes and I’m not to proud to admit that. However, I’ve come a long way and I don’t look back once the door is closed. The biggest lesson I’ve learned is to only make time for the people that make time for you. I have some friends that I know our schedules conflict and while I may only get to text them and say “Hey, thinking about you” once a week, I make it happen. Other so-called friends could be at my next door neighbors house and not care enough to check if I was alive or dead. It gets old and with age, you learn that weeding the garden of life and friendship is much easier. I don’t need the barnacles of society in my life anymore. I’m not desperate for friends to put up with the likes of these folks. Sadly, I learned another life lesson this past weekend when a so-called friend, that a lot of my circle trusted, betrayed every single one of us, especially someone that means a lot to me on a daily basis. It didn’t take a second though to confront the individual, listen calmly to the lies and stupidity that spewed out and then delete her from my life. I don’t need it and refuse to put up with it. I’m a really fun person to be around and I don’t even need alcohol to make the whole gang laugh with my remarks and goofiness, but you’ll not fasten yourself to my world just to get information and stab me in the back. Next time…well nevermind, there won’t be one!

In conclusion, those of you that stick by me and make my little world keep spinning, THANK YOU…for staying up til 430am just to calm me down, for taking me shopping and out to eat just because you love me, for introducing me to your family who treat me like their own, for making dinner and letting me spend an evening with your beautiful daughters, for letting me see you so happy with a great guy, for sending me pictures of your darling children that I love like my own (these get me through the roughest days), for still being only a text or phone call away when you’re physically on the other side of the country, for loving me unconditionally and always supporting my dreams, for being my little sis and listening, for always telling me how pretty I am (even when my hair is a big ol’ mess), for holding my hand when I’m falling apart and making me smile when I truly felt no one could…Y’ALL are the reason that I  keep going and why I still BELIEVE.