Today is one of those days when my mind is going 100 mph and my body is traveling at a pace of about 35 mph. It makes me feel like poo and I hate it. I can’t wait to go to the gym tonight and then I’ll feel much better, but in the meantime, I’m sitting at work, just allowing my brain to go and go and go, because I don’t have the energy to stop it. My mind has become an enemy over the past ten years, often frightening me and upsetting me with it’s outlandish thoughts and schemes. Here lately, I feel as though I’m growing up and it’s much needed and long overdue.
My past tends to haunt me often and I find myself questioning myself more often than not. See, the thing is, I haven’t always been the “nice girl”. I actually used to be quite mean and it’s not something I’m proud of. Now I’ll be honest and tell you that a lot of the people deserved what they were dealt and had it coming, while others, I didn’t give a fair chance. Then, there are some that I gave too many chances…that’s where I’m at again in life. How many times do you let a person hurt you before you stop accepting apologies? How many times do you let them stab you in the back (and sometimes the front) before you walk away and call it quits? How many times do you listen to the lies that you know are lies before you stop giving them a chance to even tell them? At this point, I don’t know why I’ve continued trying to hold this friendship together after so much betrayal, but I’m losing patience and I know the blow up will be ridiculous and annoy me further.
Why do people lie? Why risk getting caught in a lie? Why do you choose a shitty friend over someone that’s been there for you? Why do you keep going back? What is so great that you can’t stay away? Why do you betray people that care to cater to people that don’t? How can you sleep at night or look in the mirror every day knowing you lie to my face? How? Why? I don’t understand.
What I do know and comprehend is this…I’m a generally happy person. I smile about 90% of the time, even on bad days. I find the good in everything, which often results in me getting hurt, but I keep moving forward. I cry when it hurts, but often no one knows it even hurt in the first place. I ignore the pain in hopes that it just goes away without permanent damage. I act tough to keep from getting hurt by the ignorance and heartless behavior of others. I hate confrontation, but do it if I have to. I am a peacemaker. I am a true friend. I am honest, loyal and worthy.
So, I had to vent a little to keep from blowing a fuse today, but I feel a little better now. Praying for peace, strength and understanding. I need it right now more than usual. Still believing…
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