Sadly at the present moment, I feel like Mr. Kellerman on Dirty Dancing when he asks Dr. Houseman if he knows how it feels to diagnose a patient and then get the x-rays and nothing is quite what you diagnosed.
I’m battling with a handful of internal emotions and feelings at the current moment and while I’m certain everything will work itself out, I’m thoroughly disappointed and truly mad at myself for even considering trusting and giving second (and sometimes third) chances. I trust myself a little too much from time to time and God trusts me even more than that and I can’t question his judgement, but gracious, this blinking sign seems to have burned out and therefore, I’m driving down the backroads with no headlights to warn me of the oncoming trees and narrow shoulders. Not to mention, I feel like I’m speeding too. I suppose that means when I hit the tree, it’s going to do a lot of damage. I still don’t understand the “why” of the whole situation and perhaps I never will, because my heart and mind aren’t deceiving and don’t comprehend this sordid mess.
The worst part of the entire situation is I really didn’t see it coming this go ‘round. I thought the past was the past and things had changed and gosh, was I ever wrong. Joke’s on me, I guess. I’ve learned on this crazy road called Life that sometimes having a big heart and understanding soul and forgiving demeanor are negative, rather than positive qualities. At this very moment in time, my big heart is broken, my understanding soul is confused and my forgiving demeanor is just plain pissed off! I wish I could say “No more Miss Nice Cris” and mean it and stick to it, but that big heart almost never allows me to do so. I guess my greater fear is that my heart will keep having pieces chipped away until there’s nothing left. I don’t want to be one of those bitter, cold hearted bitches that has nothing to live for and therefore must meddle in other people’s business because they are so miserable in their own existence that nothing pacifies them except to stir shit and make it stink.
I must say that having just one person on your side when things go the way of the world is a blessing. For the past several months, I’ve been more blessed than I ever imagined. I know things happen in God’s time and I respect and accept that. I waited twenty nine years, seven months, eight days and various hours, minutes and seconds to know what it felt like to be truly loved, without fault, without blame, without judgement and while that seems like a very long time, I realize that it was more than worth the wait, each time I look in his eyes and see a love like nothing I’ve ever known. There are no conditions to our relationship, there is no hate, no negativity, no stress…just love, happiness and pure joy. When you go through situations like I’ve wrote about above and the world seems to be spinning in a different direction and you’re struggling to hold on, there’s this one wonderful soul that takes you in their arms, lets you cry and scream and get it all out, then tells you you’re beautiful and that it’s you and him against the world…forever and always…no matter what. That’s is the exact moment it’s finally worth all the struggles, tears and scars.
All of this being said, I’m going to make some modifications to my world. I need to. I need to keep the weeds out of my garden, because they wind themselves around my beautiful flowers and attempt to crush their beauty. I won’t allow the weeds any longer. No more priorities when I’m only an option. No more backstatbbing. No more lies. And sadly, some folks are so caught up in their own stupidity and miserable existence that they won’t even realize it’s about them, but I’ll keep you at bay and when your true persona is revealed, you’ll be put on display for the whole world to see who you truly are. People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones and it’s sometimes good to have an enemy in your battlefield, you can tell them all the wrong secrets to go back and spread. ::insert giggle:: Good day to you all!
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