Bless the Broken Road

Wow, it’s crazy the way things change in such a small amount of time. For the first time in my life, I’m not stressed, I’m not depressed, I’m not strung up in the arms of drama, there’s no tears or headaches every other day…life is simply simple. I’ve never felt so good. I’m just plain happy. It looks good on me, it feels good in my heart. I worked on me because that’s what I promised myself and I kept that promise. I never knew what some time spent on me could do for my well being, but when I look in the mirror, it’s a different woman than I saw six months or even six weeks ago. I think I’ve always lived my life for someone else’s happiness and that wasn’t right, but I allowed it to happen. I put up with a lot of stuff that I realize now wasn’t smart. The good thing is that while I may not have learned as quick as I’d like, I did learn and know not to let it happen ever again. It’s hard learning your worth sometimes and it doesn’t mean that you’re uppity and snobbish to say you deserve better, it just means that you live and learn and do things different the next time around. If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got. I’ve spent some time with a wonderful individual recently and seen what it’s like to be respected…what a surprise. I didn’t even know men opened doors and helped you in the truck and paid for dinner and held your hand during a movie…I think their called gentleman, but they’re such a rare breed, I’m not sure. What I am sure of is that’s the kind of future I want…not for a month, not a couple of years…the real forever…the grow old and gray forever, the front porch in rocking chairs forever, the grandkids forever…the REAL thing. Right now, I’m healing from allowing someone to hurt me and break my heart, but I AM healing and I won’t be broken forever. My future is still as bright as the sun and will continue to be. You can’t break this girl.

That being said, I’ve found out on this broken road that you truly find out who your friends are (and are not). I’ve done some things in my past that I’m not proud of. I’ve been really mean to people who didn’t deserve it. I even missed out on four years of my best friend’s life because I let pride settle within my soul and keep me from saying I was sorry. I’ve been a real bitch in every sense of the word and I pushed people away that loved me and clung to the ones that struggled to rid their lives of me. I’m human and I make mistakes and I’m not to proud to admit that. However, I’ve come a long way and I don’t look back once the door is closed. The biggest lesson I’ve learned is to only make time for the people that make time for you. I have some friends that I know our schedules conflict and while I may only get to text them and say “Hey, thinking about you” once a week, I make it happen. Other so-called friends could be at my next door neighbors house and not care enough to check if I was alive or dead. It gets old and with age, you learn that weeding the garden of life and friendship is much easier. I don’t need the barnacles of society in my life anymore. I’m not desperate for friends to put up with the likes of these folks. Sadly, I learned another life lesson this past weekend when a so-called friend, that a lot of my circle trusted, betrayed every single one of us, especially someone that means a lot to me on a daily basis. It didn’t take a second though to confront the individual, listen calmly to the lies and stupidity that spewed out and then delete her from my life. I don’t need it and refuse to put up with it. I’m a really fun person to be around and I don’t even need alcohol to make the whole gang laugh with my remarks and goofiness, but you’ll not fasten yourself to my world just to get information and stab me in the back. Next time…well nevermind, there won’t be one!

In conclusion, those of you that stick by me and make my little world keep spinning, THANK YOU…for staying up til 430am just to calm me down, for taking me shopping and out to eat just because you love me, for introducing me to your family who treat me like their own, for making dinner and letting me spend an evening with your beautiful daughters, for letting me see you so happy with a great guy, for sending me pictures of your darling children that I love like my own (these get me through the roughest days), for still being only a text or phone call away when you’re physically on the other side of the country, for loving me unconditionally and always supporting my dreams, for being my little sis and listening, for always telling me how pretty I am (even when my hair is a big ol’ mess), for holding my hand when I’m falling apart and making me smile when I truly felt no one could…Y’ALL are the reason that I  keep going and why I still BELIEVE.

Protein and Water and Grapefruit...OH MY!

Today marks the first day of my new lifestyle. I don't want to call it a diet, because I plan on sticking with it and seeing some fabulous results.

This new adventure is the grapefruit diet and any feedback, suggestions and/or questions are more than welcome. My first meal in the morning is 4oz of pure, unsweetened white grapefruit juice, two eggs (cooked any way) and two slices of bacon. That went over okay, even though I hate eggs. It was tough to get the first few bites down, then I took the bites of bacon and eggs together. I did put a little cheese in the eggs to make them easier to deal with. I also finished my first bottle of water of the day. Then came lunch which consisted of 4 oz of pure, unsweetened white grapefruit juice, a salad with shredded lettuce, shaved ham, bacon pieces, colby jack cheese and ranch dressing. I drank two bottles of water. Also, as a side note, it's better to dip your fork in the dressing and then take bites of your salad rather than to have your yummy salad drowning in a sea of dressing (which is the bad part of the salad). Dinner is 4oz of pure, unsweetened white grapefruit juice, grilled chicken and sauteed zuchinni. And right before bed, I have to drink 8oz of skim milk.

I can't wait to see the results from this change. My new life is looking brighter by the minute.

Again, thank y'all for the continued support and love...it means the world to me!

D-I-V-O-R-C-E...find out what it means to me!

WOW...I can't believe I'm really going through this. It's weird the way things change in the blink of an eye and you feel like Dorothy spinning around in a damn twister with a bumped head. I'm not going to lie, it hurts and there are times I'm sure my eyeballs are on fire from all the tears cried, but I know I'm a tough cookie and will be just fine when the smoke clears and the dust settles. Some things in life you never see coming and can't be prepared for...this is one of those times. I can't even put into words how thankful I am for supportive family and friends that are getting me through this with the best love and outpouring of support I could ever dream of! Right now, it's just one day at a time...

New Beginnings

Well, I'm on day seventeen of training at my new job and boy oh boy, do I love it! It's a breath of fresh air after two years at Sprint. Sadly, I did begin to enjoy my days at Sprint at the end of my journey and thus, I miss several of my co-workers. However, I do know that it was time for a new beginning and I'm happy with the choices that I've made. My new company is the kind of place I want to call "home" for a very long time,

On to the personal side of things...my health has not been at the top of it's game lately and I'm surely to blame. I haven't taken care of myself the way I should and I'm completely aware of it. I'm still not getting the support I need and I have realized that it's going to take me just doing it, even if it's by myself. I have all intentions of going back to the dietician/nutritionist to get the process started, because I know the success I've had with that route previously. I understand that losing weight can solve every health issue that I currently have, up to and including Diabetes. Any advice, comments, suggestions and personal experiences that you'd like to share are MORE than welcome. Your stories are what inspire me!

Before I end this entry, I'd like to thank everyone for your continued support while I've made these recent upgrades in my world. Y'all mean the world to me!

Another appointment...ANOTHER COPAY!

I got a call from the doctor's office yesterday regarding my bloodwork results from last Friday and rather than talk to me on the phone as the usually do, they requested that I make an appointment and come into the office. It just hit me the wrong way. I told the woman (in a not so nice way) that I guessed I just wouldn't know what was wrong with me if she couldn't tell me over the phone because I refused to pay ANOTHER copay to come in and talk about what ELSE was wrong when we could easily talk on the phone. To say I was furious would be a gross understatement.

After thinking about the sitaution and calming down quite a bit, I called back today and requested a phone call from my doctor regarding the situation. My nurse called me back and said that (I hope y'all are seated)...1) my diabetes is severly uncontrolled, 2) my cholestrol is out of whack, 3) my thyroid isn't working up to par and 4) my vitamin D is even more deficient than it was six months ago. SERIOUSLY!?!?! I refused to see anyone except MY doctor, no PA, no nurse, NO ONE BUT MY DOCTOR. My appointment is on the 29th of MAY! Yes, I'm serious!

My nerves are shot for several reasons. First of all, most of the meds they will put me on for my diabetes are going to make me gain weight resulting in my depression worsening and scaring the daylights out of me. Being overweight is something I have feared my entire life. For those of you that may not know, my dad was very obsese and therefore, it's in my bloodline and I have to fight against it to insure I don't end up the way I have seen my dad and many of my aunts end up. Most of my dad's family has died very young...that's nothing to play with...I plan on sticking around for quite some time. I don't know a whole lot about cholestrol, so I'll see what they have to say about that and move forward. As for my thyroid, get rid of the damn thing if it's not working. I don't need it anyway. Send it to organ Heaven with my gallbladder. My thyroid not working means losing weight is almost impossible. Fix the problem and stop making me suffer. That is one less thing for me to worry about on a daily basis. Duh Doc! And the vitamin D deficiency...well, let me lose some weight by removing my thyroid and maybe I won't feel like a whore on judgement day out in the sun! THERE WE GO...PROBLEMS SOLVED!

On a serious note, I'm truly scared of what might happen at the doctor on the 29th and my stress is at a breaking point these days, so please say a prayer for my inner peace...God knows I need it right now.

The Bitch is BACK

I've come to realize that people take advantage of me because for the most part...I let them! Sad, but true. I am a nice person 90% of the time, probably an even higher percentage than that and people feed on that notion. Well, the buck stops here and I'm done with it. I'm tired of being little miss nice girl, I'm tired of being hurt, I'm tired of crying in the bathroom, I'm tired of the mascara running, because frankly, I wear Mary Kay and it's expensive dammit!

All smiles...on the outside

It took me some extra time to write my blog this week because the seriousness is not like anything anyone would ever expect from me. This is the most real and gutwrenching blog I've ever wrote in my life and I pray that by sharing it, I help myself and others.

Monday was rough. I had a bad day and while driving home, I had a very emotional breakdown for no apparent reason. I told Robby in recent weeks that I am going to talk to the doctor about depression, because I honestly don't understand these breakdowns and the severity and complexity of them. So, I'm coming down 85 and I pass my exit to go home...I keep driving, pull in at RO's, order food, drive to Walmart and sit in the parking lot alone and eat all that I just purchased by myself. Now, I know alot of that sounds terrible in and of itself, but what I haven't told you yet is that I ate two double cheeseburgers, a large order of fries and drank a sweet tea. In what world was this EVER okay? Not only am I already overweight, but I'm diabetic and I just put alot of crap in my body that shouldn't be there (especially in that quanity)! I drove home feeling so disgusted and defeated. I sat outside for over an hour and I just broke down. I came in the house and told Robby what I had done before I came home and I told him, honey, it's like this, I'm committing suicide with food, there's no nice way to put it. I'm five foot three inches tall and weigh 221 right now...if I don't do SOMETHING, I'm going to have a heart attack and it's going to kill me because my body can't take what I'm doing to it.

That being said, this is IT! I can't keep going like I'm going right now because I am killing myself. I found out that there is a group like AA for people that are addicted to food and I might look into that. I am making an appointment with a dietician to see where I need to start. As of yesterday morning, I have drank only water and half a cup of Sierra Mist when I was queasy. I'm done with caffeine. I'm not cutting out carbs completely, but I'm only eating white carbs once a day. I'm determined, I'm going to do this...I HAVE to in order to survive. I know I put on a huge smile and laugh with the world and have the reputation of being the happy girl, but lately, I feel so alone and I'm battling a big war inside of my body. I KNOW I'm not alone, but I also know I don't like to be a burden or for folks to worry about me, so I keep alot enclosed inside of this little frame to keep from raining on anyone's sunshine. I know this is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but I'm taking it on.

Thanks in advance for the love and support y'all send me already...it helps more than I could ever put into words. I'll try to write more than I have been lately...my promise. Just promise me that you'll be hard on me and support me and encourage me...I need it!