Small Town Kid

I’m in training at work this week and as I’ve sat here with quite a bit of downtime, my mind has wandered to my childhood. Most people are completely aware that I come from a split family…my parents married and divorced twice, truly trying to make things work and give me a loving household and upbringing…trust me, I had both, even if it came from two (or three) households along the way. My parents never said ugly things about one another in front of me, as the years moved on, I saw that my dad wasn’t always a quality time type of individual, but he did try. Unfortunately, he chose a career path that didn’t allow him to be there for everything in my life. I was in the school spelling bee in fifth grade and I wanted him to be there and he said, “If you win it, I’ll be at county”. Well I won it and I was so excited he’d be at county and he said, “Sorry kiddo, if you win it, I’ll be at state”…that’s just the type of man he was. He had awesome intentions, they just hardly ever panned out. But the times I did spend with him, were freakin’ awesome! I went to New York City the summer before sixth grade started because my dad was delivering to a huge project at Madison Square Garden and mom and I got to tag along. I saw real street people, cabs, prostitutes, chaos, the Statue of Liberty, the Twin Towers…it was unreal to see these things, as I’m just a simple, small town girl from Gaston County. Furthermore, if it was a random Friday night and dad had to deliver a weekend run, I’d hop in the 18 wheeler and go see somewhere else in this great country. I might have only seen all these wonderful places from an 18 wheeler windshield, but I was spending time with my daddy and I was on top of the world. I remember other truckers all over the place grinning and commenting on the lil’ girl that could scale the side of an 18 wheeler at seven years old, even though she was so tiny. “Yep”, my daddy would say, “that’s my lil monkey.” He left this world when I was twenty and I still answered to “Monkey” until the day he was gone.

An equal amount of my childhood was spent growing up on a big ol’ farm near the South Carolina state line with the coolest grandma you could ever dream of. Dubbed "Nanny" by all of us grandkids, Dorothy Stockton Bullard was a pistol in every sense of the word. So, when you think of your granny, I bet she bakes cookies and wears dresses and knits blankets…well, my Nanny fried taters, swigged Old Milwaukee and wore jeans and muddy boots. She taught me how to make it in the real world and how to be a tough girl. Thanks to that lady, I can start a fire, cook outside, peel taters, shoot a shotgun, drive a truck, ride a bike, fish with a bamboo stick (because I kept throwing fishing poles in the lake when I got a bite), bait my own hook, pick blackberries without getting stuck by briars…you name it, she taught me! I remember once her biggest hog had piglets and nothing would suit me but to pet a baby pig, but I couldn’t catch one. Those little boogers are fast. So my Nanny gave me a five gallon bucket with some bread in it and I turned the bucket on it’s side and lo and behold, one of those piglets ran in that bucket and I turned the bucket upright. Well, I’ll have you know, that piglet squealed so loud at me, I dropped the bucket and turned the pig loose and ran to the creek to catch tadpoles again. I tried to step onto a bull’s back from the tailgate of the truck once…I landed flat on my back AND got my butt tore up. Life lessons, nothing like ‘em! I stood in the back of the truck for hours on end throwing slices of bread like little frisbees out to those animals. Those were truly the “good ol’ days”. A few years ago, my Nanny became an angel and I can’t think of any better person to hang out up in Heaven. I bet she’s giving that Noah a lesson!

I’m sure you’re wondering where all this reminiscing is coming from, since I rarely speak of these things and this is it. I have a very special person in my life right now who can’t see their daughter. It kills me to see what they go through. The best memories in my life are of my childhood and if I remember the good times, that means if there were bad times, I remember those too. I could have told you just as much about the verbal, mental and emotional abuse I endured from my dad’s side of the family through two divorces, but the good outweighs the bad. No matter what the situation, a child should NEVER be kept from a good parent, just because a marriage didn’t work out. You aren’t hurting anyone in the overall situation except for the CHILD. Yeah, you’re hurting the other parent too, but that’s your intentions, so you see that and nothing else. It truly shows your ignorance. Just because you’re selfish and scorned (due to your own actions, I might add), you scramble your child’s life up with complete disregard and lack of remorse. You make the child’s other parent watch them grow up in pictures because you are that spiteful. I don’t know how you even lay your head down at night and close your eyes with a conscience like that, much less look at your face in the mirror every morning. I’m a firm believer in Karma and I hope when it starts walking a mudhole in your ass, I have a front row seat to watch. People like you do not prosper or win. Trust and believe that with all of your stone, ice cold heart.

End rant…back to the butterflies and unicorns!

Bless the Broken Road

Wow, it’s crazy the way things change in such a small amount of time. For the first time in my life, I’m not stressed, I’m not depressed, I’m not strung up in the arms of drama, there’s no tears or headaches every other day…life is simply simple. I’ve never felt so good. I’m just plain happy. It looks good on me, it feels good in my heart. I worked on me because that’s what I promised myself and I kept that promise. I never knew what some time spent on me could do for my well being, but when I look in the mirror, it’s a different woman than I saw six months or even six weeks ago. I think I’ve always lived my life for someone else’s happiness and that wasn’t right, but I allowed it to happen. I put up with a lot of stuff that I realize now wasn’t smart. The good thing is that while I may not have learned as quick as I’d like, I did learn and know not to let it happen ever again. It’s hard learning your worth sometimes and it doesn’t mean that you’re uppity and snobbish to say you deserve better, it just means that you live and learn and do things different the next time around. If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got. I’ve spent some time with a wonderful individual recently and seen what it’s like to be respected…what a surprise. I didn’t even know men opened doors and helped you in the truck and paid for dinner and held your hand during a movie…I think their called gentleman, but they’re such a rare breed, I’m not sure. What I am sure of is that’s the kind of future I want…not for a month, not a couple of years…the real forever…the grow old and gray forever, the front porch in rocking chairs forever, the grandkids forever…the REAL thing. Right now, I’m healing from allowing someone to hurt me and break my heart, but I AM healing and I won’t be broken forever. My future is still as bright as the sun and will continue to be. You can’t break this girl.

That being said, I’ve found out on this broken road that you truly find out who your friends are (and are not). I’ve done some things in my past that I’m not proud of. I’ve been really mean to people who didn’t deserve it. I even missed out on four years of my best friend’s life because I let pride settle within my soul and keep me from saying I was sorry. I’ve been a real bitch in every sense of the word and I pushed people away that loved me and clung to the ones that struggled to rid their lives of me. I’m human and I make mistakes and I’m not to proud to admit that. However, I’ve come a long way and I don’t look back once the door is closed. The biggest lesson I’ve learned is to only make time for the people that make time for you. I have some friends that I know our schedules conflict and while I may only get to text them and say “Hey, thinking about you” once a week, I make it happen. Other so-called friends could be at my next door neighbors house and not care enough to check if I was alive or dead. It gets old and with age, you learn that weeding the garden of life and friendship is much easier. I don’t need the barnacles of society in my life anymore. I’m not desperate for friends to put up with the likes of these folks. Sadly, I learned another life lesson this past weekend when a so-called friend, that a lot of my circle trusted, betrayed every single one of us, especially someone that means a lot to me on a daily basis. It didn’t take a second though to confront the individual, listen calmly to the lies and stupidity that spewed out and then delete her from my life. I don’t need it and refuse to put up with it. I’m a really fun person to be around and I don’t even need alcohol to make the whole gang laugh with my remarks and goofiness, but you’ll not fasten yourself to my world just to get information and stab me in the back. Next time…well nevermind, there won’t be one!

In conclusion, those of you that stick by me and make my little world keep spinning, THANK YOU…for staying up til 430am just to calm me down, for taking me shopping and out to eat just because you love me, for introducing me to your family who treat me like their own, for making dinner and letting me spend an evening with your beautiful daughters, for letting me see you so happy with a great guy, for sending me pictures of your darling children that I love like my own (these get me through the roughest days), for still being only a text or phone call away when you’re physically on the other side of the country, for loving me unconditionally and always supporting my dreams, for being my little sis and listening, for always telling me how pretty I am (even when my hair is a big ol’ mess), for holding my hand when I’m falling apart and making me smile when I truly felt no one could…Y’ALL are the reason that I  keep going and why I still BELIEVE.

Protein and Water and Grapefruit...OH MY!

Today marks the first day of my new lifestyle. I don't want to call it a diet, because I plan on sticking with it and seeing some fabulous results.

This new adventure is the grapefruit diet and any feedback, suggestions and/or questions are more than welcome. My first meal in the morning is 4oz of pure, unsweetened white grapefruit juice, two eggs (cooked any way) and two slices of bacon. That went over okay, even though I hate eggs. It was tough to get the first few bites down, then I took the bites of bacon and eggs together. I did put a little cheese in the eggs to make them easier to deal with. I also finished my first bottle of water of the day. Then came lunch which consisted of 4 oz of pure, unsweetened white grapefruit juice, a salad with shredded lettuce, shaved ham, bacon pieces, colby jack cheese and ranch dressing. I drank two bottles of water. Also, as a side note, it's better to dip your fork in the dressing and then take bites of your salad rather than to have your yummy salad drowning in a sea of dressing (which is the bad part of the salad). Dinner is 4oz of pure, unsweetened white grapefruit juice, grilled chicken and sauteed zuchinni. And right before bed, I have to drink 8oz of skim milk.

I can't wait to see the results from this change. My new life is looking brighter by the minute.

Again, thank y'all for the continued support and love...it means the world to me!

D-I-V-O-R-C-E...find out what it means to me!

WOW...I can't believe I'm really going through this. It's weird the way things change in the blink of an eye and you feel like Dorothy spinning around in a damn twister with a bumped head. I'm not going to lie, it hurts and there are times I'm sure my eyeballs are on fire from all the tears cried, but I know I'm a tough cookie and will be just fine when the smoke clears and the dust settles. Some things in life you never see coming and can't be prepared for...this is one of those times. I can't even put into words how thankful I am for supportive family and friends that are getting me through this with the best love and outpouring of support I could ever dream of! Right now, it's just one day at a time...

New Beginnings

Well, I'm on day seventeen of training at my new job and boy oh boy, do I love it! It's a breath of fresh air after two years at Sprint. Sadly, I did begin to enjoy my days at Sprint at the end of my journey and thus, I miss several of my co-workers. However, I do know that it was time for a new beginning and I'm happy with the choices that I've made. My new company is the kind of place I want to call "home" for a very long time,

On to the personal side of things...my health has not been at the top of it's game lately and I'm surely to blame. I haven't taken care of myself the way I should and I'm completely aware of it. I'm still not getting the support I need and I have realized that it's going to take me just doing it, even if it's by myself. I have all intentions of going back to the dietician/nutritionist to get the process started, because I know the success I've had with that route previously. I understand that losing weight can solve every health issue that I currently have, up to and including Diabetes. Any advice, comments, suggestions and personal experiences that you'd like to share are MORE than welcome. Your stories are what inspire me!

Before I end this entry, I'd like to thank everyone for your continued support while I've made these recent upgrades in my world. Y'all mean the world to me!

Another appointment...ANOTHER COPAY!

I got a call from the doctor's office yesterday regarding my bloodwork results from last Friday and rather than talk to me on the phone as the usually do, they requested that I make an appointment and come into the office. It just hit me the wrong way. I told the woman (in a not so nice way) that I guessed I just wouldn't know what was wrong with me if she couldn't tell me over the phone because I refused to pay ANOTHER copay to come in and talk about what ELSE was wrong when we could easily talk on the phone. To say I was furious would be a gross understatement.

After thinking about the sitaution and calming down quite a bit, I called back today and requested a phone call from my doctor regarding the situation. My nurse called me back and said that (I hope y'all are seated)...1) my diabetes is severly uncontrolled, 2) my cholestrol is out of whack, 3) my thyroid isn't working up to par and 4) my vitamin D is even more deficient than it was six months ago. SERIOUSLY!?!?! I refused to see anyone except MY doctor, no PA, no nurse, NO ONE BUT MY DOCTOR. My appointment is on the 29th of MAY! Yes, I'm serious!

My nerves are shot for several reasons. First of all, most of the meds they will put me on for my diabetes are going to make me gain weight resulting in my depression worsening and scaring the daylights out of me. Being overweight is something I have feared my entire life. For those of you that may not know, my dad was very obsese and therefore, it's in my bloodline and I have to fight against it to insure I don't end up the way I have seen my dad and many of my aunts end up. Most of my dad's family has died very young...that's nothing to play with...I plan on sticking around for quite some time. I don't know a whole lot about cholestrol, so I'll see what they have to say about that and move forward. As for my thyroid, get rid of the damn thing if it's not working. I don't need it anyway. Send it to organ Heaven with my gallbladder. My thyroid not working means losing weight is almost impossible. Fix the problem and stop making me suffer. That is one less thing for me to worry about on a daily basis. Duh Doc! And the vitamin D deficiency...well, let me lose some weight by removing my thyroid and maybe I won't feel like a whore on judgement day out in the sun! THERE WE GO...PROBLEMS SOLVED!

On a serious note, I'm truly scared of what might happen at the doctor on the 29th and my stress is at a breaking point these days, so please say a prayer for my inner peace...God knows I need it right now.

The Bitch is BACK

I've come to realize that people take advantage of me because for the most part...I let them! Sad, but true. I am a nice person 90% of the time, probably an even higher percentage than that and people feed on that notion. Well, the buck stops here and I'm done with it. I'm tired of being little miss nice girl, I'm tired of being hurt, I'm tired of crying in the bathroom, I'm tired of the mascara running, because frankly, I wear Mary Kay and it's expensive dammit!