I won't give up...

A little over a year ago, September 2011, I stood outside on the deck of my second home with my best friend after he had a particularly long and mindbending day. We had so much in common and it seemed he was the only person who could read the pain and stress on my face without us exchanging a word.

This day in particular stands out in my mind because reading his face that night, I knew things were taking a toll on him and it showed in the worry in his eyes and literally broke my heart. At this point, our relationship was only a friendship that meant quite a lot to both of us and I cared a lot already. As we talked outside that night, I remember telling him, I know it’s hard and I know it sucks a lot, but you’re not alone, I’m here and I’ll always be here, no matter what happens, no matter how hard the road becomes, no matter who is or is not around, I’ll be by your side for whatever you need. It was the first time in my life that I knew I would keep that promise until I took my last breath and I meant it with every ounce of my soul.

Well right now, the road is a little rocky and the tears can’t always be stopped and things are sometimes beyond our control, but we’ve kept that promise to each other and we’ve never once left each other’s side. The things that hurt and leave scars and cause tears are definitely beyond what we can change in the blink of an eye, but we hold on to hope, faith and Christ daily and know that He will fix things in His time and on His terms.

No matter what, I stand by what I said, I won’t give up. Today. Tomorrow. Forever. I’ll never stop believing in miracles, us and you.

Is it November yet?

Warning: I’m venting about this damn election! Here we go…

I can’t help but think after viewing my Facebook feed this morning that I am “friends” with quite a few passionate people. Passionate about this upcoming election, that is. I can appreciate passion, as an avid writer, I am passionate about the things I love and know how to express said things with words and phrases that put you right in the line of my thinking. My issue though, lies in the fact that if you can be this passionate about an election and overflow my newsfeed with your opinions, thoughts and beliefs, I encourage you to use that passion more than 30 days every four years in the time immediately before a presidential election. The thing is, I don’t (and won’t) discuss politics. I have never told a soul who I’ve voted for in any election, as that is my own personal beliefs and choices. I mean, to keep it real, I am a vertically challenged, overweight girl with chicken legs and random tattoos…there’s no need to give people extra ammo to fire at me. However my only concern in this whole ordeal (besides FB bursting into flames from the mass quantities of political posts) is that if we all can be this passionate about a political debate once every four years, couldn’t we use the other three years and eleven months to be passionate about other very serious issues going on in this death circle we call Earth?

Last Friday, I sat at my desk at lunch and watched a video on my cell of a little girl around sixteen years of age expressing her thoughts and inner demons on flashcards that told her story of being bullied…to death. Yes, to DEATH! I’m going to be blatantly honest here and say that when I was between the ages of twelve to fourteen, I was picked on (A LOT) and I guess you could even use the word ‘bullied’ and it wasn’t fun or funny. It hurt my feelings a lot and as a result, I had a very tough skin. So when people hurt me, I hurt them. It was easier for me to fight and build a reputation not to be messed with than to let the “punking” get to me. I got in a lot of fights and it’s not something I am in any way proud of. In later years, I met someone who told me, “I knew who you were, but I didn’t KNOW you and I was scared of you”…that is NOTHING to be proud of. Yeah, I was mean as a rattlesnake and people left me alone for the most part, but it shouldn’t have been that way. Sadly, for this little girl I watched a video of last week, her skin wasn’t as tough and she took her own life because she was constantly picked on by her peers.

That is just one example, but seriously, you want to be passionate about something when this election is over, I’m sure we can compile a list to get you started and it would be things that you can actually rally for that would help someone besides yourself. Fight and rally and spread the word about teen pregnancy, bullying, sexual molestation, harassment, child abuse, domestic violence, drug abuse, alcoholism…do you get my point or should I continue this endless list?

Every Storm Runs Out of Rain

Over the past year, I’ve seen so many things that have amazed me, enlightened me, educated me, disappointed me, shocked me, hurt me and the list could go on for days, weeks, months, probably years. I’m at times in disbelief and sometimes rage at the acts we, as human beings, inflict on others.  This year has been a soul searching, life changing, eye-opener for me and I only wish at times that some others could see the world through my eyes and what I’ve seen and the emotions that have flooded my heart and then, maybe, just maybe, they would know compassion, empathy and love of thy neighbor.

I’ve never been a Bible thumper and I never will be. My beliefs are mine and are not there to be shoved down someone else’s throat, but common decency isn’t out of style or a religious matter. I had to write today, because as much as I know my pain and emotions, there are some folks I know of recently that let those demons get the best of them and they no longer walk this Earth to fight back…the youngest and most recent  being only fourteen years old. I remember fourteen…I was in the ninth grade, had a hella cute boyfriend, loved music and ball bearing necklaces, could walk to my best friend’s house anytime I wanted, had two parents that loved me, two stepparents that weren’t half bad, a ton of friends that I thought I’d be buds with forever and life was simple. Sixteen short years later, hearing a local child of fourteen took her own life due to bullying was heartwrenching. Talk about gone too soon. YEESH!

I realized just how mean, hateful and spiteful people are to each other when it’s never really that serious. I’ve seen it firsthand and I’ve been both the pitcher and the catcher. I don’t talk in innocence by any means but I can say I’ve learned from my past. Currently, I’m awaiting a court date to finalize my second divorce. It’s not something I’m proud of, but on the other hand, it’s not something I’m ashamed of either. I don’t beat myself up about any longer, because I know I did my part and gave my 100% to my marriage and sometimes, things fall apart so that other things can fall together. True, I’m thirty years old and going through it, but at the same time, I have a wonderful man that I’ve built a beautiful relationship with as a result of both of our failed marriages.  I couldn’t be happier than the exact point I’m at right now in my life. The road hasn’t been easy, but he’s been by my side every step of the way and loves me even when I feel I don’t deserve it. Sure, I’ve been talked about and gossiped about and had lies and rumors spread about me (and him), but the people that matter, they know the truth and that’s what matters. Sadly, if some folks would put as much effort into their own well being, relationships, friendships, careers and families as they have into worrying about what Scott and I may or may not be doing, perhaps they would fare a little better. Obviously I’m asking too much of someone who doesn’t have the ability to behave as a grown up, which is why it’s much easier to ignore the stupidity when it’s brought to my attention rather than address it. Yeah, I could confront the ignorance, but I could also talk to this bottle of water on my desk and be in about the same situation at the end of the day…it will make NO difference, because you can’t reason with ignorance.

I’ve learned that relationships aren’t all going to last forever and that’s okay and reality, but when they do end, you can move on and change yourself and your inconsistencies or you can act like a horse’s ass and show everyone how immature and ridiculous you can really be. It’s your own choice really, but I feel like if you could just put that effort into something positive in your OWN life and stop worrying about mine, we all might be a little happier. Okay, so YOU might could be a little happier (really happy, not that fake jazz you spew to the world that doesn’t know you), because as for me and my little piece of the universe, we are unicorns and butterflies.

Suicide: The Aftermath

It’s been a rough morning in  my little piece of the galaxy. After a really great weekend, I am driving to work this morning and get a total of six emails regarding a friend that apparently took her own life at some point over the weekend. I’ve known this person since I was fourteen and she used to date a dear friend of mine as well. I used to love days when she picked us up from jr high and blast loud music with the windows down. She was the definition of awesome to me and I admired her. Somewhere down the road, our paths crossed in a negative way and she dated an ex-boyfriend of mine, resulting in some not so great memories, but we made the past the past and went to a concert together a few years ago. The guy she brought with her was a trainwreck, but she was as fabulous and funny as ever and I had a great time that night. I’ve heard from her here and there over the years and was thankful she was a part of my friend circle. Sadly, this morning, she was brought to my memory in a way I never expected from her. When I close my eyes, I can only see this bubby, tall blonde with the biggest smile I’ve ever known and sadly, I know I will only see that in pictures and memories now.

I’ve been through several people in my life along the way giving up and taking their own life in an attempt to fix what was certainly a temporary problem and it never gets easier to deal with the aftermath or understand the why behind the thought process. In 12^th grade, it was one of the most adorable guys with the biggest hearts I’ve ever known, a few years ago, it was an ex-boyfriends grandfather that convinced himself he was getting Alzheimers and gave up, in 8^th grade, it was a dear friends father…it’s never THAT bad, NEVER!

My game of LIFE has had struggles and tears and failures and fears and depression and lack of money and loss of a parent, grandparents, aunts, uncles and many friends, but it’s never been THAT bad. God has yet to put anything in my path that he didn’t give me the tools and resources to master. I’m not a holy roller and I don’t beat the Bible or even attend church every Sunday, but I know what’s in the pages of that book and when all else fails and you feel you have NO ONE to talk to, God is still willing to listen, even if you’ve screwed up really bad. I’ve been at points along the way where I had to ask my mother to buy me groceries or make my power bill payment, because I was so broke and I’ve felt so lonely and devastated at times, that I sat down and just cried for hours in my bathroom floor and there have been times when things were so bad, I truly felt alone in this big, scary as Hell world, but I’ve never played God, not once. He is the only person who is going to decide when I leave this place.

In conclusion, I’m sad right now, but honestly, I’m pissed. How can you be so selfish? You took an easy out instead of dealing with your demons. Your daughter will never see your smile and know how great of a person you are. You won’t walk her to Kindergarten, you won’t fix her hair for prom and you won’t help her pick out a wedding dress. I can only pray for your soul, because I know what the Bible says about suicide. I can also only pray for your family and friends and loved ones, that we can all find peace and continue to have faith after it all being tested by your choice.

Don’t stop believing, I guess I have to keep living by that even when it’s so tough.

I've been called worse...

I have found myself at a place in my life where I have a renewed faith and inner peace that I’ve prayed and longed for, for quite some time. I don’t even find myself upset when I hear and see the things that take place or are said around me, though I do sometimes still find humor in it. Mostly because I realize that it’s jealousy and ignorance at it’s best.

It’s kind of funny but, I have now being referred to as a slut. No doubt, I’ve been called worse by better people and it didn’t hurt my feelings, because that would imply that a) it was true and b) that I valued this person’s opinion of me. The humor in this is that the person calling me a slut has had four boyfriends in the past seven months that she’s publicly professed to “loving”, posted inappropriate pictures of, introduced to her child, admitted to being intimate with and used for whatever she could get to benefit herself, but I’M the slut? Color me confused! This is what I’ve come to realize: jealousy is such an ugly trait and it shows through. I hear and see the things that are said about me by this person and I know it’s just jealousy speaking loudly. The rumors, the lies, the accusations…it’s all a part of your elaborate scheme to make yourself feel better and get even with someone who bettered themselves by ridding their life of you. People see you for who you are. They may not all be to a point of disgust with you that I am, in that they haven’t said what they think of you to your face, but they express their opinions. You think you got all your ducks in a row when in reality, you are a train wreck and your world is falling apart right in front of your face. That’s what happens when you think the way to wade through life is to cheat, lie and manipulate people who try to help you…you get burned baby! Perhaps you should worry a little more about what is going on in your own home and pitiful excuse for a life and less about finding a new boyfriend to try and support you. There’s this foreign concept that you haven’t seemed to grasp called a JOB. You could pay your own way rather than stress over finding someone else to pay for you. I know that seems far fetched in your world, but everyone has to grow up eventually or just continue to pay the consequences of choosing to be ignorant, stubborn and jealous.

I will say this, I believe in karma and I believe that what goes around comes around and you’ve got a lot of debt to pay off in those departments. I hope you’re ready to deal with that sleeping dragon you poked. Most people would let sleeping dogs lie. Now where’s my popcorn, this entertainment is getting good! Enjoy the show!

Taking Out the Trash

I have been doing some thinking about some findings lately and since this is where I rant to keep from ending up in jail, here ya go:

So as you all know, it’s been an adventure of sorts since Scott and I began dating and both of us truly love being in a relationship where things are simple and real and honest and fun, but not everyone is pleased with our happiness and while most are smart enough to keep their mouths shut and simply stay away from me, others still feel the need to continue to work their jaws in an effort to cure their jealousy.

Sure, you can deny the jealousy if you’d like, but see, when you ask what my boyfriend looks like naked, suggest I take pictures and show you and then get all in a tizzy when I don’t bite the bait, it’s YOUR problem, not MINE. I choose to keep my relationship exclusive, between him and me, the way it should be. As for the other questions you’ve asked me to answer, yeah, you’ll never know that either. Just for the record though, it by far surpasses anything your pea brain could imagine in your wildest fantasies! Yeah, there’s you something to think about! Furthermore, it’s comical that you choose to spread rumors about how disrespected you are by your “younger” friends because we have no proper upbringing or manners. Truth is, I acted with more respect and manners at the age of 15 than you do at 45. If we’re gonna call a spade a spade, keep it real. Don’t just tell what you want people to know, tell the truth (now I’m aware this is a challenge for you). Since the day I’ve met you, nothing but lies have spewed from your mouth and they change to suit your life, your situation, your current group of friends and your surroundings. If you thought you could tell someone the sky was brown and dogs quacked and it would gain you anything, you’d tell it and never bat an eyelash. You are the worst and most dangerous kind of liar, because you believe your lies and you have no heart. You literally can look people straight in the face and lie to them. I know, you’ve done it to me. As for your newfound friendships and your constant diarrhea of the mouth behind the safety of your computer screen, those are only your friends until they don’t do what you want them to and then they’ll see the real you to. You are great at being fake. You deserve an Academy Award for your victim role in the game of Life. It’s so funny, when you and I were (fake) friends, you made it a point to tell me everything negative you could about people in your past that used to be your “friends” and once I cut my ties with you (YES, I was the one who chose to rid my life of YOU), you were right back to being friends with those same people you badmouthed for so long. Of course, one in particular is as fake as you are, so I suppose that is a prime situation for the two of you. And please don’t be mistaken, we could care less what has, is or will go on in your life (as you posted on your FB page and someone came back and shared with us), we are just thankful and blessed that we aren’t a part of it.

Now run (HA HA) along and play nice with the other children. I mean, you act like one, might as well treat you like one, right? The best part is, you might have hurt me and stabbed me in the back, but you can’t steal my joy, love and happiness. That is MINE! Now go sit on the curb with the rest of the trash. Good day!

Letting Go and Moving On

There comes a time when you can no longer hold on to hatred in your heart, because it does you no good in the long run. It doesn’t change things or the people’s ways that you’ve grown to hate. Just as people can act in ways that make you fall in love with them, those same people can act in ways that grow hate. I learned, funny enough from a Madea movie, that forgiveness is for your own peace of mind, not the other person. It’s your own heart, well being and conscious that will suffer when you choose to carry hate rather than love in your own heart. The true meaning of forgive and forget is just that. Don’t overanalyze it. Forgive the person, give the grief and hurt and even anger to God and FORGET IT. Let it go. Don’t look back. Looking back in life is like going to a yard sale and buying your own junk back. Obviously there is a reason you got rid of it in the first place. A person can only hurt you if you ALLOW them to do so. There are many different things that you can do to let go of these inconsistencies in your soul.  My outlet is writing. Over the years, I’ve wrote down anything and everything that helps me heal. Even if it means writing down things that I want to say to a person that I just don’t have the capability to say, rather it’s due to a broken relationship or a restraining order (LOL). I always thought my life would be significantly different at the age of thirty, but I’m still learning and growing and I’m a work in progress. Lucky for me, God ain’t giving up on me!

I’ve held onto to some hate for quite some time and I’m venting and letting it go effective now.

I don’t hate you, I feel sorry for you. You’re a liar. You live your life to make others feel sorry for you and lie to get your way through this world. It should have never surprised me to find out who you really are, since you are only a product of what you came from. You cheated on me, you put your hands on me and there’s a strong possibility that you even killed my innocent puppy. I will never warn anyone about the kind of person you really are, since no one warned me, but I trust my own heart that you will be brought to light. I feel sorry for you when Karma gets it’s hands on you and especially come Judgement Day because people like you have a rude awakening when that time arrives.

I used to consider you one of my best friends, then I realized the meaning of a wolf in sheeps clothing. You are the epitome of a backstabber. You looked me straight in my face and lied to me and even hugged me and consoled me at some low times in my life. I’m surprised my skin didn’t carry burn marks from being touched by a product of Satan himself. The next time your husband beats you and you feel like you want to die just to get out of the lifestyle you’ve chosen, you may know a percentage of the pain you caused me along the way. A lot of people are finally seeing you for who you really are and I know more will along the way. You are a disgusting excuse for a woman and I don’t know how you sleep at night with your conscience. But I do pray that you find in your heart the good person that your parents raised you to be instead of the selfish, two faced witch you have morphed into.

I’m the most disgusted by you. Not only do you disgust me as the lack of a human being, woman and mother that you should be, but you even drag your child into the chaotic world you’ve created in your mind and bring emptional and mental havoc in her world as well. You know personally what it’s like to lose your father, as do I, and yet still, you create lies and prohibit your daughter from having a relationship with her own father, who is an amazing man, regardless of the lies you create in your twisted mind attempting to make him out to be anything other than the person he truly is. You have done nothing but attempt to drag his name and morals through the dirt since things didn’t go your way. The only thing he’s guilty of doing is bettering himself by removing you from his life. You are trash, you’ve always been trash, you’ll always be trash. And no I don’t just know what people have told me. If you recall, as you’re so quick to tell others, we were at one time, “friends”. You are a pitiful excuse for a mother, woman and human being. You don’t deserve to share oxygen with the rest of the human race. I can’t think of a horrid enough pain for you to go through for the things you’ve done to others. And while you continue to spread rumors and lies about me, I’ll set that straight to: he wasn’t cheating on you while you were married, as he and I didn’t become a couple until October 2011, a full two months plus after you and he had ended your relationship, prior to that, we were nothing more than friends; he didn’t abandon you and your daughter, he asked you for time apart to figure things out and you in turn moved out of the home in the middle of the day when you knew he was at work to an undisclosed location for almost four months, all the while he was calling your family asking to speak with his daughter and they were “hiding” you so that he couldn’t make contact with her; we were not stalking you when we found out you were at your grandfather’s house, you tell your business to anyone who will listen and someone told us where you lived and we rode by the house to verify the car was there so that he could give that information to DSS when you were reported for parental kidnapping; I understand that you like to tell anyone who will iisten that he is a deadbeat dad and doesn’t pay child support, but what you fail to tell them is that he gave you child support and you returned the check to him and refused the money because it was a written check showing proof that he was supporting his daughter and not cash that you could do what you liked with and not have on record; I did not tell you that I would kidnap your daughter, so you can kill that rumor as well, I did however state that he WILL have a relationship with his daughter and you were making it complicated by not coming to an agreement with him and causing it to be a court ordered ordeal; I am not expecting a child either, since that seems to be your rumor of choice these days, even telling people that don’t know me this one and they in turn asking a mutual friend about it which is how it was brought to my attention, however if I was pregnant, at least I would know who the father of my child is, so stick that in your pipe and smoke it! Now the one thing I have been accused of that is truer than true is that I told you I would be a better mother than you and that is something you can bank on. Again, I can only pray that when Karma gets ahold of you, I get a ticket and a front row seat to the show. You are in for one hell of an eye opener when the dust settles.

I’m done ranting now, I just had to clear these things from my mind and heart. I honestly feel better. Try writing sometime, might just help you too!