All smiles...on the outside

It took me some extra time to write my blog this week because the seriousness is not like anything anyone would ever expect from me. This is the most real and gutwrenching blog I've ever wrote in my life and I pray that by sharing it, I help myself and others.

Monday was rough. I had a bad day and while driving home, I had a very emotional breakdown for no apparent reason. I told Robby in recent weeks that I am going to talk to the doctor about depression, because I honestly don't understand these breakdowns and the severity and complexity of them. So, I'm coming down 85 and I pass my exit to go home...I keep driving, pull in at RO's, order food, drive to Walmart and sit in the parking lot alone and eat all that I just purchased by myself. Now, I know alot of that sounds terrible in and of itself, but what I haven't told you yet is that I ate two double cheeseburgers, a large order of fries and drank a sweet tea. In what world was this EVER okay? Not only am I already overweight, but I'm diabetic and I just put alot of crap in my body that shouldn't be there (especially in that quanity)! I drove home feeling so disgusted and defeated. I sat outside for over an hour and I just broke down. I came in the house and told Robby what I had done before I came home and I told him, honey, it's like this, I'm committing suicide with food, there's no nice way to put it. I'm five foot three inches tall and weigh 221 right now...if I don't do SOMETHING, I'm going to have a heart attack and it's going to kill me because my body can't take what I'm doing to it.

That being said, this is IT! I can't keep going like I'm going right now because I am killing myself. I found out that there is a group like AA for people that are addicted to food and I might look into that. I am making an appointment with a dietician to see where I need to start. As of yesterday morning, I have drank only water and half a cup of Sierra Mist when I was queasy. I'm done with caffeine. I'm not cutting out carbs completely, but I'm only eating white carbs once a day. I'm determined, I'm going to do this...I HAVE to in order to survive. I know I put on a huge smile and laugh with the world and have the reputation of being the happy girl, but lately, I feel so alone and I'm battling a big war inside of my body. I KNOW I'm not alone, but I also know I don't like to be a burden or for folks to worry about me, so I keep alot enclosed inside of this little frame to keep from raining on anyone's sunshine. I know this is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but I'm taking it on.

Thanks in advance for the love and support y'all send me already...it helps more than I could ever put into words. I'll try to write more than I have been lately...my promise. Just promise me that you'll be hard on me and support me and encourage me...I need it!

Coughing and Sneezing and Nose Blowing...OH MY!

Yes, it's true, I'm sick...AGAIN! My immune system hates me. Seriously though, why don't people just stay home when they're sick. I do! I know it might be an inconvenience, but it's a bigger one when you share the crap with everyone you work with or come in contact with in public. I wash my hands constantly because I have OCD and always freak out and worry I'm going to get germs on me from "dirty" people. I'm sure I've even offended (not intentionally) some folks with my frantic searching for my sanitizer after we shake hands or exchange money/ink pens/etc. That being said, I have an appointment at the doctor's office in the morning and I pray it's not the flu again. This winter was my first round of the flu ever in my life and it about killed me. Tamiflu does help but it beats the crap out of in the process. I had a fever earlier and it broke and came back about an hour ago. YUCK! That pretty much sums up my feelings right now. Just keep praying it's anything but the flu.

On a lighter note, anyone have any new healthy snack or meal suggestions? As always, love, love, LOVE my feedback, emails, recipes, quotes, etc. You all ROCK!

I'm baaack...

I know it's been a minute, but no worries, I'm still going strong. We got all moved into the new house and it's awesome!!! I especially love having a huge fenced in backyard for the fur babies so they have some place to get the energy out. I will admit that all three are sleeping better in the new house. Skynard even got to sleep in the bed twice and didn't have any accidents (YAY)! NJ is gaining weight per the vet's request and I'm more sure every day that she is going to be a long haired doxie. Pippi is her happy lil' self and nothing phases her, as usual.

I've been working more diligently at working out and being healthy. Y'all know I'm honest and I'll say, I don't have perfect days by any means, but I'm conscious of what is good for me and I'm making wise choices about 70% of the time.

OMG...Luke Bryan's new video just came on...too much sexy for my tv set! (Side note brought to you by my ADD)

Back to what I was saying...there are days when I simply crave a soft drink too much to fight it at this point in my process. I'm sure as I move farther along, my will power will continue to get stronger. I can usually stop myself, but there are times, I know if I just have one soda, it will be a better outcome than getting upset about it later on and drinking two or three sodas and eating a cheeseburger and half a pizza, ya know? Cheating on a health plan is not always a bad thing to be honest with you. My dietician said if I crave a cheeseburger to eat the darn thing and move on from it.

I do have a new app on my phone that is pretty fabulous. It's called MyFitnessPal and anyone who has an Android or iPhone (possibly a BB too) should check it out. It's free as the number one perk and all you do is put in your food, drinks, snacks, etc. and it calculates your calories for you. You also enter how much water you drink each day and your exercises and it calculates how many calories you've burned. You tell it all of you stats and it will create a calorie plan for you to be on track to lose the weight you want in the time you want. Pretty effin' awesome if I do say so myself!

My skating addiction has been going well. I went last Tuesday and Wednesday and had intentions to go on Thursday but Robby's leg was hurting so we skipped. My goal is to go every Wednesday and Thursday night since those are my days off. If you're around here, you should join us, it's a great workout and alot of fun ($6/Wed includes all you can eat pizza and hot dogs and $3/Thurs). As a side note, I'd like to say that just because it's all you can eat doesn't mean you are REQUIRED to eat yourself stupid, which is the perception that some make.

Now, I just have to take my bike and get my tires properly inflated so I can start riding because this weather is GORGEOUS! Enjoy the intro to Spring y'all!

Merry Moving Day Eve

Holy potatoes! I can't believe we really move into our new house tomorrow! I'm so excited! Packing does suck though...ALOT! Thank God my momma works for a mover and they do the hard part!

So, I might not be on for a few days, just wanted y'all to know why! :)

One step closer...

First, I have super exciting news...Robby started a new job today!!! It's part time for now and will change to full time when business picks up a little more. He loves it so far and I'm so happy for him, for us, for our future.

We move in the new house one week from today and my nerves and thoughts are just shook and spinning with excitement and anxiety. I can't wait for it all to come together! Life is finally paying off! I knew I just had to believe!

My eating habits haven't been fabulous with my stress, but they haven't been horrid either. I'm doing pretty good with my water and have only had "bad" drinks a time or two. I'm still trying to stick to Sprite/7Up when I "need" a drink that isn't water. My new goal is finding out what foods and places contain MSG and in turn are migraine triggers. Vonne is helping me out by telling me her experiences with this matter. I'm going to beat these medical issues...I'm a tough cookie and I don't give up easy!

P.S. Kates commercial just came on and I remembered that tomorrow (tonight) night is skate night!!!

That's how I roll...

I went skating last night! It was the most fun I've had in quite some time. I was a little shaky and only did a max of four laps at a time and then sat down for 5-10 minutes so I made sure I didn't overdo it. Overall, it was a great time and the only thing I'm doing different next week is wearing my knee brace, because my left knee did try to lock up after skating for about an hour. I can definitely feel it in my calves and lower back, which is a good thing, because I know I was working muscles and I'm not hurting and unable to move today! Sidenote: Robby skated too!

I got up this morning and was hungry, so I ate an orange instead of something bad for me. I will admit that I tried the new cinnamon pecan twist from BoJo's the other morning and I ate one and gave the other to Brandi, even though I could have ate TEN! I've came to the conclusion that if I have a craving 1-2 times a week, I should act on it for the simple fact that if I don't, I will end up eating everything in site that is bad for me and end up doing the wrong thing more often than not. I'm doing very good with my water consumption and when I've craved a soda, I have drank diet Coke or Sprite/7Up. I know it's a long road and I'm going to make it and be successful. I can't wait to get my bike and get to spend even more time outside. I'm so excited the weather has been pretty the past few days, because that hopefully means Spring is on it's way!

I do want to take a moment to reflect on a very close friend of mine's very sad week, that ties in with my life in a very real way. On Tuesday evening, I was greeted with the sad news that a friend of a friend passed away that morning. My heart ached for her and I hated what I knew she was feeling inside. I knew she felt empty and like someone had punched her in the stomach. I know you wonder what this possibly had to do with my journey. The person was 36 years old and he died from an apparent diabetic coma. The text I got begged me to take care of my diabetes because my buddy wants me to be around for a really long time. The scariness and realness of the situation affected me in the most deep of ways. This is what can happen if I don't take care of me. I know my husband, momma, best friend, family, friends and co-workers really like seeing my smile and would like to see it in more than a picture for many years to come. Major wake up call! I made a promise to my friend and I don't break promises.

Tax Time

I'm pleased to announce that I did find Robby and I our first HOME. We're both pretty excited about it. We should get our taxes back in the next week and be able to get our downpayment and first month paid so we can get the ball rolling. The house is in Ranlo in a very established neighborhood that has been around for years and makes me feel safe and secure, which is super important to us with my sleeping problems. I've gotten to a point that I truly can't just lay my head down anywhere and go to sleep, which makes things rather complicated if we have to go out of town or anything. Luckily my momma's and his momma's are safe zones for me.

I will say that the stress of moving is taking it's toll on me and I am just so anxious for things to work out. I ate bad today. I had a roast beef sandwich and fries for lunch...pizza for dinner. Guess that's my cheat day for the week and I already used it on freakin' Sunday, first day of the week! Way to go Cris! Geez! I tried to do good the other day and someone stole my dang lunch at work...who does that?!?! Next food day, I'm bringing ExLax brownies. Jerks!

I must say this blog is truly helping me. Not only are people talking to me about something I've been so closed about for so long and making me more aware, but I'm getting awesome advice and support. Until now, momma has supported my choices, but it's always felt like a secret. At this point, I'm like, "Hey world, in case you haven't noticed, I'm short and round and need to do something about it" and the world is talking back to me. I've found that I can use comedy to make a tough subject alot easier to deal with. I can't thank you all enough for the comments, hugs, emails, etc...they mean more to me than I can put into words! :)

Well, I'm going to call it a night...Happy Valentines Day to the lovers and Happy Anti-V Day to the bitters! I adore you all.