New Beginnings and Happy Endings Happen All the Time

I can’t believe that in six short days, I will be moving into my own apartment. True, I live alone now (well sort of, I have my fuzzy baby too and my Honeybee most nights), but this is the first time I’m actually moving by myself. It’s been a little emotional and overwhelming, but I’ve held it together pretty well. I had a brief reality slap in the face yesterday as I packed a bookcase and ran across two ring boxes that at one time held two rings that were my keys to my future.

At the tender age of thirty, my life isn’t where I always thought it would be right now, but it’s on the right path and that’s what matters. I always dreamed by the age of thirty, I’d be a great wife with a loving husband, a little curly headed one following me around and at least five years in on the purchase of my dream home. Well, I have one ex husband, one soon to be (not soon enough) ex husband, a fuzzy dog that follows me around and a new apartment.

The one major thing that I have that I didn’t put on that list is a wonderful man that loves me even when things are far from perfect, hugs me and tells me he loves me at the end of every day and never stops holding my hand and being my best friend. I feel like I have a best friend, boyfriend, and saving grace all in one. Scott has been everything I’ve needed at just the right time. I know God put us on each other’s path for a reason and we see it more with every passing day. It might have taken me some bumps and bruises, but I found what I’ve always needed/wanted in the long run. The best thing is that I learned on this crazy road called Life that I don’t have to settle and God knows, I did a lot of that in my past. That is why it’s the PAST. My future is beautiful and bright and promising. Most people know I’m a very selfless person and if there was one wish, no monetary value, that I could give everyone, it would be to know what it feels like to experience such a pure, honest, valuable love with such an amazing person. I used to look at him and think “how did I get so lucky” and now, I still think that, but I also thank God for giving me such an amazing man to share my dreams, giggles, tears and hugs with. I fall more in love every single day and I am so thankful that I never gave up on my little girl dreams. He might not wear armor and ride a white stallion, but he wears Ropers, loves Johnny Cash and drives a pick up and that’s good enough for this ol’ girl!

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Today is one of those days when my mind is going 100 mph and my body is traveling at a pace of about 35 mph. It makes me feel like poo and I hate it. I can’t wait to go to the gym tonight and then I’ll feel much better, but in the meantime, I’m sitting at work, just allowing my brain to go and go and go, because I don’t have the energy to stop it. My mind has become an enemy over the past ten years, often frightening me and upsetting me with it’s outlandish thoughts and schemes. Here lately, I feel as though I’m growing up and it’s much needed and long overdue.

My past tends to haunt me often and I find myself questioning myself more often than not. See, the thing is, I haven’t always been the “nice girl”. I actually used to be quite mean and it’s not something I’m proud of. Now I’ll be honest and tell you that a lot of the people deserved what they were dealt and had it coming, while others, I didn’t give a fair chance. Then, there are some that I gave too many chances…that’s where I’m at again in life. How many times do you let a person hurt you before you stop accepting apologies? How many times do you let them stab you in the back (and sometimes the front) before you walk away and call it quits? How many times do you listen to the lies that you know are lies before you stop giving them a chance to even tell them? At this point, I don’t know why I’ve continued trying to hold this friendship together after so much betrayal, but I’m losing patience and I know the blow up will be ridiculous and annoy me further.

Why do people lie? Why risk getting caught in a lie? Why do you choose a shitty friend over someone that’s been there for you? Why do you keep going back? What is so great that you can’t stay away? Why do you betray people that care to cater to people that don’t? How can you sleep at night or look in the mirror every day knowing you lie to my face? How? Why? I don’t understand.

What I do know and comprehend is this…I’m a generally happy person. I smile about 90% of the time, even on bad days. I find the good in everything, which often results in me getting hurt, but I keep moving forward. I cry when it hurts, but often no one knows it even hurt in the first place. I ignore the pain in hopes that it just goes away without permanent damage. I act tough to keep from getting hurt by the ignorance and heartless behavior of others. I hate confrontation, but do it if I have to. I am a peacemaker. I am a true friend. I am honest, loyal and worthy.

So, I had to vent a little to keep from blowing a fuse today, but I feel a little better now. Praying for peace, strength and understanding. I need it right now more than usual. Still believing…

Objects In Friend List Are More Conniving Than They Appear

Sadly at the present moment, I feel like Mr. Kellerman on Dirty Dancing when he asks Dr. Houseman if he knows how it feels to diagnose a patient and then get the x-rays and nothing is quite what you diagnosed.

I’m battling with a handful of internal emotions and feelings at the current moment and while I’m certain everything will work itself out, I’m thoroughly disappointed and truly mad at myself for even considering trusting and giving second (and sometimes third) chances. I trust myself a little too much from time to time and God trusts me even more than that and I can’t question his judgement, but gracious, this blinking sign seems to have burned out and therefore, I’m driving down the backroads with no headlights to warn me of the oncoming trees and narrow shoulders. Not to mention, I feel like I’m speeding too. I suppose that means when I hit the tree, it’s going to do a lot of damage. I still don’t understand the “why” of the whole situation and perhaps I never will, because my heart and mind aren’t deceiving and don’t comprehend this sordid mess.

The worst part of the entire situation is I really didn’t see it coming this go ‘round. I thought the past was the past and things had changed and gosh, was I ever wrong. Joke’s on me, I guess. I’ve learned on this crazy road called Life that sometimes having a big heart and understanding soul and forgiving demeanor are negative, rather than positive qualities. At this very moment in time, my big heart is broken, my understanding soul is confused and my forgiving demeanor is just plain pissed off! I wish I could say “No more Miss Nice Cris” and mean it and stick to it, but that big heart almost never allows me to do so. I guess my greater fear is that my heart will keep having pieces chipped away until there’s nothing left. I don’t want to be one of those bitter, cold hearted bitches that has nothing to live for and therefore must meddle in other people’s business because they are so miserable in their own existence that nothing pacifies them except to stir shit and make it stink.

I must say that having just one person on your side when things go the way of the world is a blessing. For the past several months, I’ve been more blessed than I ever imagined. I know things happen in God’s time and I respect and accept that. I waited twenty nine years, seven months, eight days and various hours, minutes and seconds to know what it felt like to be truly loved, without fault, without blame, without judgement and while that seems like a very long time, I realize that it was more than worth the wait, each time I look in his eyes and see a love like nothing I’ve ever known. There are no conditions to our relationship, there is no hate, no negativity, no stress…just love, happiness and pure joy. When you go through situations like I’ve wrote about above and the world seems to be spinning in a different direction and you’re struggling to hold on, there’s this one wonderful soul that takes you in their arms, lets you cry and scream and get it all out, then tells you you’re beautiful and that it’s you and him against the world…forever and always…no matter what. That’s is the exact moment it’s finally worth all the struggles, tears and scars.

All of this being said, I’m going to make some modifications to my world. I need to. I need to keep the weeds out of my garden, because they wind themselves around my beautiful flowers and attempt to crush their beauty. I won’t allow the weeds any longer. No more priorities when I’m only an option. No more backstatbbing. No more lies. And sadly, some folks are so caught up in their own stupidity and miserable existence that they won’t even realize it’s about them, but I’ll keep you at bay and when your true persona is revealed, you’ll be put on display for the whole world to see who you truly are. People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones and it’s sometimes good to have an enemy in your battlefield, you can tell them all the wrong secrets to go back and spread. ::insert giggle:: Good day to you all!

Damn, it feels good to be me!

Well, it finally happened...I got hacked for the very first time and I must say, people have no creativity anymore. My email was hacked and I'm sure the hacker got NOTHING they wanted there unless they wanted to know I bought new panties and get cooking.com updates...welcome to my world dumbo! Also, my Facebook was hacked and my status was updated with the following "I am a cheating white trash slut who steals my friends husbands and can't keep a good man because I'm fat and ugly."

Now on that note, I'm going to set the record straight and just put it all out there, because I know one of two people are involved in this and I am done with the ignorance of both of them. First of all, I've never cheated on anyone in my entire life, not even a sixth grade boyfriend before such things mattered, so you can smash that rumor right now. You want to call someone out for cheating, I invite both of you to grab a mirror and take a long hard look in it. One of you had others in your shared home while your spouse was at work and the other was getting pictures from guys' anatomy while your spouse was at work...now let's talk about the real cheaters in the situations, shall we? Furthermore, people generally make accusations of their own guilty pleasures. White, yeah, you got that quality right. Trash: not so much. The two of you combined made less than $9000 last year, yet both of you were married and one is even a parent or perhaps I should call you incubator since you don't do too much parenting. Sadly, not only did you both not hold down jobs and make your spouses' work even harder, but you couldn't even keep your houses clean or do laundry. Now, THAT is trashy! And trust I'm going to touch on the 'slut' comment...as I recall, one of you gave someone advice a few months ago to 'just sleep around because sometimes that's just what you need'...but I'M the slut? I'll again refer you to that mirror. Now, to my favorite part...I'm not, nor have I ever been, a thief. I didn't steal anyone's husband! You want to stake claim to something, appreciate it BEFORE it's no longer yours. A person (especially a grown up) can not be STOLEN without choosing to be. Second note on that subject, we are NOT friends and were nothing more than simple bar acquaintances. Next matter at hand, I can keep a GOOD man, I've just never had one until now! Thanks for reminding me...I'll go home and hug and kiss him and tell him how wonderful he truly is, because see, I'M the one going home to him. Oh yeah, did I mention, it's my home, I don't live with my parents and/or grandparents! Yeah, THAT! And to wrap this little story up...I am completely aware of the fact that I'm overweight and not a beauty queen, however I also struggle with diabetes every single day of my life and work out in every attempt to better my health. I may not be a size six, but I'm a very pretty size 18 and I carry it damn well! And your opinion may be that I'm ugly but I got a man that thinks I'm beautiful and tells me every single day and THAT is important to me. Furthermore, I'd rather have an ugly face than an ugly heart.

So stick that in your pipe and smoke it!

Better than I used to be...

Whew…it’s really 2012, huh? I must say mine’s already been full of pure happiness and true love and one of the saddest heartbreaks.

For the first time in I can’t remember how long, my New Year’s kiss really feels like something I’ll be doing all year long. In case I haven’t mentioned in the past five minutes, I have an awesome man in my life that has changed so many things for me in the past few months. For 29 years, I thought I knew what love was and jumped in a few times with no lifeguard, no instructions and no life saver and then I learned to take caution and use my head before my heart opened it’s big mouth and I found things are so much better than I even knew they could be. I always wondered what it meant when I heard people say “love doesn’t hurt or make you cry” and I finally get it. Yeah so it took me til I was dang near thirty to figure it out…that’s okay. I learn from my mistakes. If the worst thing I ever do on this Earth is get divorced twice and it keeps me out of Heaven, it’s gonna be a whole lot of folks not there either. I’m just sayin’! Seriously though, I do finally have it all together and it makes my little world such a wonderful place. There’s minimal stress and no anger and yelling and hatred. I fall more in love with every passing minute. I hope in fifty years, I’m still holding his hand and he’s still making me smile when things don’t always pan out. That’s what it’s all about. Sometimes things have to fall apart for better things to fall into place. That’s just exactly what happened in my lil’ piece of this galaxy.

I guess you can’t have sunshine without a little rain and God knows, that’s just what happened on January 2, as my very first ever best friend became a new angel. The circumstances of Emma’s death are still unclear and only the good Lord above knows what her final moments held, but what I do know is this…no one deserves to die, especially not alone and in the winter cold in an abandoned house, regardless of the path they’ve chosen and choices they’ve made. I haven’t seen Emma in a few years, but the recent picture I seen of her is still one of a beautiful, blue eyed blonde with a heart the size of Texas. I don’t know who Emma became in the past few years, but I do know this…in 1988, Emma was my best friend. We walked to school together every morning and walked home together every afternoon. We sat on my porch or back sunroom and played with NKOTB dolls for hours and sang every word to every song. We giggled on the phone and never ran out of things to talk about. So you see, maybe other people feel the need to look at the picture in the newspaper and judge someone who isn’t here to defend theirself, but I look at that picture and still see a seven year old little girl that learned how to skate with me so many years ago. I only pray that the legacy of such an awesome person will be passed along to her children and the negatives will be left by the wayside. I pray she left this Earth with no pain or suffering and now lives eternally as an angel. Rest in peace and faith sweet Emma.

And the next chapter in my new year will open next Tuesday as we take the first steps on what could be a long road, but will most definitely be worth it in the end. Just keep praying and having faith…it’s in God’s hands and we know the truth will be revealed…just gotta BELIEVE.

Bring it ON!

Seriously?!? It’s the last working day of 2011. Where did my year go?

It’s funny, thinking back only a year ago, so much has changed, all of it for the better, although kind of bittersweet due to the situations, not the outcome. My little planet seems to be spinning quite well these days and I love the direction it’s going, but it’s still a shock to me how much can change in so little time.

 More than a few times throughout this year, I’ve let negative people or situations take me out of character and recently I’ve gotten back on track of being true to myself. I’m only human and admitting that I’ve made mistakes is not above anything I stand for. I learn from my mistakes and that’s what makes them life lessons. Someone asked me a while back if I regretted anything that had happened and initially I said yes without any hesitation. After thinking about the question, I realized my answer was actually NO, not at all! While I have lived through one of the most challenging years of my life, I have also experienced some of the greatest moments…a random weeknight trip to Walmart and a hug changed my whole world and regained me my sister, my brother from another and my precious hair twin that makes my whole world go ‘round with a single smile…an invitation to come hang out at Hooters and watch wrestling turned into the beginning of a wonderful relationship and a love like I never dreamed was possible…a chance job application turned into a  career change that put me back on a path I’ve been missing for a few years now…an opportunity to get out of a bad situation moved a piece of my heart to Washington state and made me appreciate real friends…losing my fur baby, Pippi, made me realize how important a dog can be in someone’s life…learning to live on my own made me stronger instead of weaker as I had feared...I could probably go on with this for the rest of the day, but I’m going to stop before I ruin this expensive mascara! Honestly though, take time for you. Live with no regrets. Learn from the past. Love YOU first. Believe it and achieve it!

Now, bring on this new year!!!

You can't fix STUPID

I’m going to start this blog off by saying that I KNOW divorce/separation/breaking up isn’t easy (and my GOSH, I should know). However, at some point, you have to accept what your actions caused and know that you are the sole cause and effect of your choices. No one can make your decisions except for you. Once you’ve made bad choices and your lies have caught up with you…that is NOT the time to try to fix it. You should have been thinking about that when you were ruining your own life.

That being said, it was brought to my attention that my soon to be (not soon enough) ex spoke to one of my closest friends on Saturday night and proceeded to cry on her shoulder that he misses his “wife” and misses waking up beside of his “wife” every morning. First of all, you don’t address someone as something that you never treated them like, so I am no more your “wife” than you are (or ever were) my “husband”. You are nothing more than a tragic mistake I made and allowed myself to be brainwashed by in order to get what you wanted while I was a part of your screwed up world. Instead of continuing to worry about what you lost and telling anyone who will listen your sob story, perhaps you should try telling the TRUTH for a change and see where that gets you. Instead of how much you miss me, advise people on the fact that you had other girls at my house when I was working twelve hours a day because you can’t hold down a job and steady income, tell people how you lie every time you open your mouth about everything from why you never have money to what you ate for dinner, because I spent over $200 on groceries and half of them are gone in two days because you think you are supposed to eat like a pregnant woman that just smoked a pound of weed at EVERY meal, tell them about your temper, tell them how lazy you are, tell them you aren’t capable of being a grown man and can’t even throw your trash away or wipe a counter off, tell them how you talked to me, tell them how you abused my puppies, tell them all your other deep, dark secrets and see if they still feel sorry for you and your sad little life. I DOUBT IT! So if you want to tell the story, tell the WHOLE story, not just what you want people to know. You are not the pitiful soul you portray yourself to be. And I love how the story changes to suit the situation…one time it’s “I miss my wife more than anything and I’m always going to be in love with her and would do anything to fix this” and then when you’re talking to some new girl that you’re trying to win over, it’s “Yeah, I got rid of my wife a few months ago”. That’s right, you did get rid of me and my gosh, I don’t know why I haven’t thanked you for doing me such a huge favor!

Furthermore, I understand you have a new Facebook page that you are sending friend requests from to several people that you are completely aware are friends with me on a daily basis. Perhaps you should take advice from your family and be careful who your friends are, because YES, they do come back and tell me what’s said and what’s going on. On that note, since you have a certain family member that continues to have something to say about me, I’m going to reference something that I learned as a child…she called me a bitch with mental issues that needs some help…and my response is this…TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE!

All of that being said, I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life. Sure, I’ve been judged over my choices and that’s fine…you can’t please ‘em all, all the time. However, I have someone who treats me with love and respect, someone who doesn’t raise their voice at me, someone that holds my hand for no reason and every reason, someone who kisses me goodnight and asks how my day was, someone that cares…THAT is what love and a relationship is all about. Perhaps you should take some pointers!