When You Were

It's funny how a song can not only speak to your heart (and mind), but can speak differently to different people. 

For instance, there's a new song I've heard half a dozen times and the more I listened, the more it just really related to a situation from my past, but I listen from a different perspective than the musician sings from.

The actual lyrics are, "I hope he buys you flowers. I hope he holds your hand, Give you all his hours,
When he has the chance. Take you to every party, 'Cause I remember how much you loved to dance,
Do all the things I should have done, When I was your man."

Except when I hear it, I can't help but thinking it could easily change just a couple of words and dedicate to those girls that come into your ex's life once your time has expired as a couple. And not the fall by the wayside ex, the one that treated you like complete trash yet treats the next girl like a queen.

"I hope he buys you flowers. I hope he holds your hand, Give you all his hours,
When he has the chance. Take you to every party, 'Cause I remember how much you loved to dance,

Do all the things he should have done, When he was my man."

Treasure and respect her while you can before she wakes up and realizes she deserves better.

I am an addict...

I am an addict.

I don't have track marks on my arms. I don't have bloodshot eyes. I don't drink alcohol. I don't have slurred speech. I don't have a face that shows meth usage. I don't have glazed eyes...unless I've been eating doughnuts. 

I am a food addict.

Food addicts hide their addiction. We let it define us. We become obsessed with food, crash diets, exercise, any thing we think might change our ways. Just as a recovering alcoholic can not have 'just one beer', food addicts can't have just one bowl of spaghetti and go back to clean eating without repercussions. I know some of you are reading this and balking at this claim, that a person could be ADDICTED to food. Ha, it's FOOD, duh, we need it to LIVE. Yes, we do. However, food addicts don't stop at survival eating, we eat emotionally. Oh, you got engaged, let's have cupcakes at work. Ooo, you're pregnant, congrats, let's have a baby shower and eat mints and cookies and those little sandwiches cut out in shapes. I'm so sorry, you're great aunt passed away, I'll bring over a bucket of chicken. We eat when we celebrate and we eat when we mourn. Now you might be saying, but Cris, I only seen you eat one cupcake at that baby shower. Well, I'm here to confess that what you DIDN'T see was the double cheeseburger, large fries and large sweet tea I had in the parking lot in my car before I came in. You didn't see those cookies I snuck in the bathroom either. And since I'm so good at my addiction, you missed the plate I took with me covered in foil for my sweetheart since he couldn't make it. 

Tonight, I began a journey to treat and eliminate my addiction. I went to my first Food Addicts meeting and I took a pledge to change my life.

I AM an addict, but I'm also a friend, a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister. My addiction no longer defines me and controls me. I'm the girl that always smiles, even when I'm sad. I look great in a pair of bootcut jeans and cowboy boots. I have long, natural curly, natural black hair. I have eyes that change colors. I have eyebrows that are always perfectly manicured. I appear perfect from the outside in most terms. I have a multitude of friends that love me unconditionally. I never meet a stranger.

I am an addict.

Those Eyes...

Two years ago yesterday (8/14), I had spent the whole weekend cleaning my house and getting it all put together with the help of my parents after my marriage ended abruptly. It was night time and I was tired and just wanted to lay down and cry because life had yet again not followed the planned path and took the woods and made a path where there wasn't one. A friend of mine called and insisted that I meet them at Hooter's and just hang out because I didn't need to be alone. I said "I look like hell, but I'll come out for a bit." Unbeknownst to anyone in attendance that night, it would become the night that I look back on and remember with fondness looking into another pair of eyes that reflected the same pain that I had been through. Over the next couple of months, I would find that those eyes held so much pain, fear, hurt, anguish and even tears. In October, we will celebrate two years together. Since that random night two years ago, I've found so much more in those eyes: love, faith, trust, passion, my future, strength, honesty, laughter, amongst many other things. This journey gets better every single moment that I share with him. Blessed beyond measure.

The Random Fact Project

The Random Fact Project

Here goes:

1. Everyone calls me Cris. If I hear someone say Christina, it sometimes doesn't dawn on me that they're speaking to me for a few minutes. I've almost always gone by some nickname from everyone in my life: Monkey (my daddy), George or Cris Bauc (my momma), Christi (my cousins), Crissy Cris (my Keeta), Sister (Ashley), Dorkfish (Tash), Princess (various), the girl in the green VW (good ol' Franklin days), Ladybug or Sunshine (at work) and Lil' Cris (referring to my lack of height).

2. My hair hasn’t been my natural color since I was nine years old. A kid made fun of my premature gray hair on the bus when I was in the third grade and when I came home crying, my mom started dying my hair that very night. It is back to my natural black at the current moment.

3. I, like Barbara Mandrell, was country when country wasn't cool. I have listened to Reba for as long as I literally can remember and had never even heard of Motley Crue until I went to see them in concert with Aerosmith in 2006. I once got in trouble in fifth grade for listening to Salt N Pepa because my dad heard the lyrics to a song that he didn't approve of. My first tattoo: the Dixie Chicks chicken feet.

4. My daddy died when I was 20 in a tragic, freak accident in an 18 wheeler truck in Ogalla, Nebraska. I have never fully accepted it. I still try to call his phone and ride down the road where his house used to be expecting to see his truck in the driveway. When I have bad days, I write letters to and talk to my daddy, because I know he gets the messages.

5. My doxie is like my child and is spoiled as such. Her name is Norma Jean Turkey Baucom, but she goes by NJ for short and yes, she's named after the famous Miss Monroe. She once lived in the woods behind the local theatre for six months before I got her back after she was abandoned after her adoption.

6. I name my vehicles. Current vehicle: 2011 Kia Soul+ more commonly known as Inkie!

7. I am obsessed with all things miniature. It doesn't really matter what it is, as long as it's a smaller version than the standard version, I'm a fan! I have a miniature Tupperware keychain, a mini bottle of Heinz ketchup, a mini cheese grater, a mini Dachshund, amongst TONS of other random things.

8. I love with all my heart. I treasure the lil' things. Listening is the sweetest thing you can do for me. My fave gifts are cards with handwritten messages. The man who owns my heart knows both of these facts and acts on them frequently.  

9. I keep a tube of mascara in my pen cup at work. Mascara is a must have, no matter what. I will go to Walmart in my pajamas, slippers and rollers in my hair, but if I swipe on some mascara, I'm beautiful!

10. I have OCD and get picked on about it quite a bit. If I bake ten fish sticks, I bake 20 tater tots (yes, I count them), b/c I know I eat one tater tot with half of every fish stick. If someone happens to reach for a tater tot, I spaz that I'm going to be off on my calculations. I'm weird, I know.

11. At the tender age of 31 years, 1 month and 16 days, I have had my gallbladder removed, had cervical cancer surgery, been diagnosed diabetic, have a peanut allergy, broken my left foot three times and had surgery twice on my tailbone. The rest of my life should be a breeze.

12. I have been married twice. The first one lasted 2.5 years, the second one just short of 8 months. I don't deal with bullshit and I've learned some hard life lessons through these two marriages. Third time's a charm, right? 

13. I 'grew up' on my Nanny Dot's farm. It was the absolute best days of my life: cooking on fires, feeding cows and pigs, getting chicken eggs, throwing cow poop at each other, catching baby pigs in buckets, fishing with a cane pole, picking blackberries, tasting beer and tomato juice on accident, getting flyswatter whoopings…I hope my kids have as wonderful of memories about their childhoods as I do.

14. My cousin Craig is my absolute favorite and will always be my "Brudder" even if I'm 100 years old. The only guy greater than him in the world was my PawPaw and only because he's older.

15. Since I was a baby, I have picked little cotton balls off of blankets, couches, sweaters, etc. and rolled them between my thumb and pointer fingers until I fall asleep. Currently, there are some on my floor in my room and I need to vacuum. It's a very bad habit that I haven't managed to break in almost 31 years.

16. I am a diehard, win or lose, dedicated for life Tarheels fan. You will never convince me that they aren't the best there is, was or ever will be.

17. I have seventeen tattoos. Most people don't even realize I have any and I'm asked alot if they are real. I've started saying no, just to make people wonder. My funniest tattoo is a turtle humping an army helmet on my left ankle. He is confused and thinks it's another turtle. I have a praying hands tattoo on my left shoulder for my daddy that I got four days after his funeral…it took over four hours and was worth every second.

18. I only eat certain Ranch dressing. I don't like bottled Ranch at all. My mom makes the best Ranch on the planet.

19. I have over one hundred bottles of nail polish, over fifty pairs of shoes and more than thirty hair products at any given time. All of my friends get me to do their nails and toes rather than pay high priced salon prices, but I go to a salon to get mine done. I use an average of five hair products in my hair each day, rather I wear it curly or straight.

20. I have known my two best friends for 9 years and 3 years and they know me better than anyone else and still love me. I think we were seperated at birth. I have known my longest friend since the third grade. He was my first crush and had a rat tail. 

21. I remember the most random things. The first time I met LesALee, she thought I was making fun of her eyeshadow. The first thing I smelled when I woke up from my gall bladder surgery was oranges. Yeah, I know.

22. I read a lot. It doesn't matter what it is really, I'll read it. I love true crime books, but have a hard time with them since my dad died and I have become ridiculously paranoid. I'm currently reading "Sisters" by Kristin Hannah. I sometimes read three or four books at a time. I will carry one in my purse, have one by my bed, one in mom's van and one in the bathroom. I'm a book nerd to the highest power.

23. I am a lil' addicted to MTV reality shows. I've never missed an episode of TM, TM2, 16&P, Jersey Shore or Real World. Thank you God for whoever invented my DVR, because I hated recording on VCR tapes.

24. I always have a camera with me. Not just my cell phone camera either, a full blown camera…ALWAYS. I love pictures and capturing moments that I can never get back.

25. I'm ME. A lot of people think I'm really tough and on top of the world and never have a bad day and that's what I want people to think. I hate to burden people with my sad story or bad day or tear filled moment. I'm very sensitive and cry easily. I laugh at myself to prohibit others from offending me about my insecurities. I'm funny. I'm five years old on the inside. I'm your best friend. I'm your worst enemy. I'm ME.

And a few bonus points, b/c I actually had enough for the 25.

26. I love to write. It is my outlet. My laptop is full of random thoughts and ideas. I blog on my blog spot. Some of my stuff is private and I keep it to myself, but writing has helped my temper a lot!

27. Growing up, my mom and I were poor. Not just couldn't buy name brand stuff poor, but she could feed me but not herself poor. My mom is a very strong woman and even though she worked three jobs, we were still barely making it. I am a better person today because of the things I have been through in my childhood. I appreciate EVERYTHING.

28. The first song I slow danced to was "Twisted" by Keith Sweat at 9th grade prom (it was with the guy with the rat tail…LOL). The first song I couple skated to was "Don't Take the Girl" the summer after sixth grade with Derick Fowler. The first CD I ever bought was "Dookie" by Greenday.

29. I have never missed an episode of 90210, Dawson's Creek or The OC. I used to go to College Night at Café late every single Wednesday because that is the night my shows come on.

30. I hate wearing dress clothes and feel like a child playing dress up when I have to because I'm so short and look about fifteen on an everyday basis. I hate that I look so young. My mom says I will appreciate it one day.

Heaven Bound (or are you?)

I am writing this blog in hopes that I will get some feedback that clears my mind on this subject.

It is known that I do not typically discuss politics or religion, but something has been bothering me lately as I see more and more cases of it and I need some clarification.

If you read this, identify the subject of my thoughts and only want to argue or judge me for what I’ve been taught thus far, DO NOT RESPOND.

Back in August, I had a friend give in to their demons and make the choice to take their own life. This wasn’t the first time I had someone close to me (currently or in my past) make a choice such as this. There were a few friends in school, an ex boyfriends grandparent, etc. I sat at her funeral and heard the preacher speak of seeing her again when we reach Heaven’s gates. I sat there with so much confusion and I’m sure it showed on my face. I was so upset that I had gone to this funeral alone and felt very alone, as no one else appeared as confused as I. Several days later, I reached out to a friend whose father was a pastor and asked, “was I taught wrong as a little girl, do people who take their own life really go to Heaven?” My friend assured me I was NOT taught incorrectly and the Bible states in Exodus 20:13, “Thou shalt not murder”. Suicide IS murder and it is a sin. You are forgiven if you throw yourself at the Lord and ask forgiveness, however if in your last breath you ask forgiveness and then take your own life, you have sinned and not repented.

I don’t know why this bothers me so bad, but it does. It eats at me to think I was misguided from children’s church forward with incorrect information in regards to my faith. I literally had to sit on my hands in a funeral for a suicide victim once to keep from wringing my hands. If I was brought up on the Rock and what I believe to be true, then you will NOT see your loved ones that have chosen this selfish and easy out in Heaven, as they will burn in the pits of Hell for eternity.

Again, I don’t want to argue and fuss and fight, it is just one of those subjects that bothers me a great deal and I must know what others have been taught along their path.

Thank you in advance.

I won't give up...

A little over a year ago, September 2011, I stood outside on the deck of my second home with my best friend after he had a particularly long and mindbending day. We had so much in common and it seemed he was the only person who could read the pain and stress on my face without us exchanging a word.

This day in particular stands out in my mind because reading his face that night, I knew things were taking a toll on him and it showed in the worry in his eyes and literally broke my heart. At this point, our relationship was only a friendship that meant quite a lot to both of us and I cared a lot already. As we talked outside that night, I remember telling him, I know it’s hard and I know it sucks a lot, but you’re not alone, I’m here and I’ll always be here, no matter what happens, no matter how hard the road becomes, no matter who is or is not around, I’ll be by your side for whatever you need. It was the first time in my life that I knew I would keep that promise until I took my last breath and I meant it with every ounce of my soul.

Well right now, the road is a little rocky and the tears can’t always be stopped and things are sometimes beyond our control, but we’ve kept that promise to each other and we’ve never once left each other’s side. The things that hurt and leave scars and cause tears are definitely beyond what we can change in the blink of an eye, but we hold on to hope, faith and Christ daily and know that He will fix things in His time and on His terms.

No matter what, I stand by what I said, I won’t give up. Today. Tomorrow. Forever. I’ll never stop believing in miracles, us and you.

Is it November yet?

Warning: I’m venting about this damn election! Here we go…

I can’t help but think after viewing my Facebook feed this morning that I am “friends” with quite a few passionate people. Passionate about this upcoming election, that is. I can appreciate passion, as an avid writer, I am passionate about the things I love and know how to express said things with words and phrases that put you right in the line of my thinking. My issue though, lies in the fact that if you can be this passionate about an election and overflow my newsfeed with your opinions, thoughts and beliefs, I encourage you to use that passion more than 30 days every four years in the time immediately before a presidential election. The thing is, I don’t (and won’t) discuss politics. I have never told a soul who I’ve voted for in any election, as that is my own personal beliefs and choices. I mean, to keep it real, I am a vertically challenged, overweight girl with chicken legs and random tattoos…there’s no need to give people extra ammo to fire at me. However my only concern in this whole ordeal (besides FB bursting into flames from the mass quantities of political posts) is that if we all can be this passionate about a political debate once every four years, couldn’t we use the other three years and eleven months to be passionate about other very serious issues going on in this death circle we call Earth?

Last Friday, I sat at my desk at lunch and watched a video on my cell of a little girl around sixteen years of age expressing her thoughts and inner demons on flashcards that told her story of being bullied…to death. Yes, to DEATH! I’m going to be blatantly honest here and say that when I was between the ages of twelve to fourteen, I was picked on (A LOT) and I guess you could even use the word ‘bullied’ and it wasn’t fun or funny. It hurt my feelings a lot and as a result, I had a very tough skin. So when people hurt me, I hurt them. It was easier for me to fight and build a reputation not to be messed with than to let the “punking” get to me. I got in a lot of fights and it’s not something I am in any way proud of. In later years, I met someone who told me, “I knew who you were, but I didn’t KNOW you and I was scared of you”…that is NOTHING to be proud of. Yeah, I was mean as a rattlesnake and people left me alone for the most part, but it shouldn’t have been that way. Sadly, for this little girl I watched a video of last week, her skin wasn’t as tough and she took her own life because she was constantly picked on by her peers.

That is just one example, but seriously, you want to be passionate about something when this election is over, I’m sure we can compile a list to get you started and it would be things that you can actually rally for that would help someone besides yourself. Fight and rally and spread the word about teen pregnancy, bullying, sexual molestation, harassment, child abuse, domestic violence, drug abuse, alcoholism…do you get my point or should I continue this endless list?

Every Storm Runs Out of Rain

Over the past year, I’ve seen so many things that have amazed me, enlightened me, educated me, disappointed me, shocked me, hurt me and the list could go on for days, weeks, months, probably years. I’m at times in disbelief and sometimes rage at the acts we, as human beings, inflict on others.  This year has been a soul searching, life changing, eye-opener for me and I only wish at times that some others could see the world through my eyes and what I’ve seen and the emotions that have flooded my heart and then, maybe, just maybe, they would know compassion, empathy and love of thy neighbor.

I’ve never been a Bible thumper and I never will be. My beliefs are mine and are not there to be shoved down someone else’s throat, but common decency isn’t out of style or a religious matter. I had to write today, because as much as I know my pain and emotions, there are some folks I know of recently that let those demons get the best of them and they no longer walk this Earth to fight back…the youngest and most recent  being only fourteen years old. I remember fourteen…I was in the ninth grade, had a hella cute boyfriend, loved music and ball bearing necklaces, could walk to my best friend’s house anytime I wanted, had two parents that loved me, two stepparents that weren’t half bad, a ton of friends that I thought I’d be buds with forever and life was simple. Sixteen short years later, hearing a local child of fourteen took her own life due to bullying was heartwrenching. Talk about gone too soon. YEESH!

I realized just how mean, hateful and spiteful people are to each other when it’s never really that serious. I’ve seen it firsthand and I’ve been both the pitcher and the catcher. I don’t talk in innocence by any means but I can say I’ve learned from my past. Currently, I’m awaiting a court date to finalize my second divorce. It’s not something I’m proud of, but on the other hand, it’s not something I’m ashamed of either. I don’t beat myself up about any longer, because I know I did my part and gave my 100% to my marriage and sometimes, things fall apart so that other things can fall together. True, I’m thirty years old and going through it, but at the same time, I have a wonderful man that I’ve built a beautiful relationship with as a result of both of our failed marriages.  I couldn’t be happier than the exact point I’m at right now in my life. The road hasn’t been easy, but he’s been by my side every step of the way and loves me even when I feel I don’t deserve it. Sure, I’ve been talked about and gossiped about and had lies and rumors spread about me (and him), but the people that matter, they know the truth and that’s what matters. Sadly, if some folks would put as much effort into their own well being, relationships, friendships, careers and families as they have into worrying about what Scott and I may or may not be doing, perhaps they would fare a little better. Obviously I’m asking too much of someone who doesn’t have the ability to behave as a grown up, which is why it’s much easier to ignore the stupidity when it’s brought to my attention rather than address it. Yeah, I could confront the ignorance, but I could also talk to this bottle of water on my desk and be in about the same situation at the end of the day…it will make NO difference, because you can’t reason with ignorance.

I’ve learned that relationships aren’t all going to last forever and that’s okay and reality, but when they do end, you can move on and change yourself and your inconsistencies or you can act like a horse’s ass and show everyone how immature and ridiculous you can really be. It’s your own choice really, but I feel like if you could just put that effort into something positive in your OWN life and stop worrying about mine, we all might be a little happier. Okay, so YOU might could be a little happier (really happy, not that fake jazz you spew to the world that doesn’t know you), because as for me and my little piece of the universe, we are unicorns and butterflies.

Suicide: The Aftermath

It’s been a rough morning in  my little piece of the galaxy. After a really great weekend, I am driving to work this morning and get a total of six emails regarding a friend that apparently took her own life at some point over the weekend. I’ve known this person since I was fourteen and she used to date a dear friend of mine as well. I used to love days when she picked us up from jr high and blast loud music with the windows down. She was the definition of awesome to me and I admired her. Somewhere down the road, our paths crossed in a negative way and she dated an ex-boyfriend of mine, resulting in some not so great memories, but we made the past the past and went to a concert together a few years ago. The guy she brought with her was a trainwreck, but she was as fabulous and funny as ever and I had a great time that night. I’ve heard from her here and there over the years and was thankful she was a part of my friend circle. Sadly, this morning, she was brought to my memory in a way I never expected from her. When I close my eyes, I can only see this bubby, tall blonde with the biggest smile I’ve ever known and sadly, I know I will only see that in pictures and memories now.

I’ve been through several people in my life along the way giving up and taking their own life in an attempt to fix what was certainly a temporary problem and it never gets easier to deal with the aftermath or understand the why behind the thought process. In 12^th grade, it was one of the most adorable guys with the biggest hearts I’ve ever known, a few years ago, it was an ex-boyfriends grandfather that convinced himself he was getting Alzheimers and gave up, in 8^th grade, it was a dear friends father…it’s never THAT bad, NEVER!

My game of LIFE has had struggles and tears and failures and fears and depression and lack of money and loss of a parent, grandparents, aunts, uncles and many friends, but it’s never been THAT bad. God has yet to put anything in my path that he didn’t give me the tools and resources to master. I’m not a holy roller and I don’t beat the Bible or even attend church every Sunday, but I know what’s in the pages of that book and when all else fails and you feel you have NO ONE to talk to, God is still willing to listen, even if you’ve screwed up really bad. I’ve been at points along the way where I had to ask my mother to buy me groceries or make my power bill payment, because I was so broke and I’ve felt so lonely and devastated at times, that I sat down and just cried for hours in my bathroom floor and there have been times when things were so bad, I truly felt alone in this big, scary as Hell world, but I’ve never played God, not once. He is the only person who is going to decide when I leave this place.

In conclusion, I’m sad right now, but honestly, I’m pissed. How can you be so selfish? You took an easy out instead of dealing with your demons. Your daughter will never see your smile and know how great of a person you are. You won’t walk her to Kindergarten, you won’t fix her hair for prom and you won’t help her pick out a wedding dress. I can only pray for your soul, because I know what the Bible says about suicide. I can also only pray for your family and friends and loved ones, that we can all find peace and continue to have faith after it all being tested by your choice.

Don’t stop believing, I guess I have to keep living by that even when it’s so tough.

I've been called worse...

I have found myself at a place in my life where I have a renewed faith and inner peace that I’ve prayed and longed for, for quite some time. I don’t even find myself upset when I hear and see the things that take place or are said around me, though I do sometimes still find humor in it. Mostly because I realize that it’s jealousy and ignorance at it’s best.

It’s kind of funny but, I have now being referred to as a slut. No doubt, I’ve been called worse by better people and it didn’t hurt my feelings, because that would imply that a) it was true and b) that I valued this person’s opinion of me. The humor in this is that the person calling me a slut has had four boyfriends in the past seven months that she’s publicly professed to “loving”, posted inappropriate pictures of, introduced to her child, admitted to being intimate with and used for whatever she could get to benefit herself, but I’M the slut? Color me confused! This is what I’ve come to realize: jealousy is such an ugly trait and it shows through. I hear and see the things that are said about me by this person and I know it’s just jealousy speaking loudly. The rumors, the lies, the accusations…it’s all a part of your elaborate scheme to make yourself feel better and get even with someone who bettered themselves by ridding their life of you. People see you for who you are. They may not all be to a point of disgust with you that I am, in that they haven’t said what they think of you to your face, but they express their opinions. You think you got all your ducks in a row when in reality, you are a train wreck and your world is falling apart right in front of your face. That’s what happens when you think the way to wade through life is to cheat, lie and manipulate people who try to help you…you get burned baby! Perhaps you should worry a little more about what is going on in your own home and pitiful excuse for a life and less about finding a new boyfriend to try and support you. There’s this foreign concept that you haven’t seemed to grasp called a JOB. You could pay your own way rather than stress over finding someone else to pay for you. I know that seems far fetched in your world, but everyone has to grow up eventually or just continue to pay the consequences of choosing to be ignorant, stubborn and jealous.

I will say this, I believe in karma and I believe that what goes around comes around and you’ve got a lot of debt to pay off in those departments. I hope you’re ready to deal with that sleeping dragon you poked. Most people would let sleeping dogs lie. Now where’s my popcorn, this entertainment is getting good! Enjoy the show!

Taking Out the Trash

I have been doing some thinking about some findings lately and since this is where I rant to keep from ending up in jail, here ya go:

So as you all know, it’s been an adventure of sorts since Scott and I began dating and both of us truly love being in a relationship where things are simple and real and honest and fun, but not everyone is pleased with our happiness and while most are smart enough to keep their mouths shut and simply stay away from me, others still feel the need to continue to work their jaws in an effort to cure their jealousy.

Sure, you can deny the jealousy if you’d like, but see, when you ask what my boyfriend looks like naked, suggest I take pictures and show you and then get all in a tizzy when I don’t bite the bait, it’s YOUR problem, not MINE. I choose to keep my relationship exclusive, between him and me, the way it should be. As for the other questions you’ve asked me to answer, yeah, you’ll never know that either. Just for the record though, it by far surpasses anything your pea brain could imagine in your wildest fantasies! Yeah, there’s you something to think about! Furthermore, it’s comical that you choose to spread rumors about how disrespected you are by your “younger” friends because we have no proper upbringing or manners. Truth is, I acted with more respect and manners at the age of 15 than you do at 45. If we’re gonna call a spade a spade, keep it real. Don’t just tell what you want people to know, tell the truth (now I’m aware this is a challenge for you). Since the day I’ve met you, nothing but lies have spewed from your mouth and they change to suit your life, your situation, your current group of friends and your surroundings. If you thought you could tell someone the sky was brown and dogs quacked and it would gain you anything, you’d tell it and never bat an eyelash. You are the worst and most dangerous kind of liar, because you believe your lies and you have no heart. You literally can look people straight in the face and lie to them. I know, you’ve done it to me. As for your newfound friendships and your constant diarrhea of the mouth behind the safety of your computer screen, those are only your friends until they don’t do what you want them to and then they’ll see the real you to. You are great at being fake. You deserve an Academy Award for your victim role in the game of Life. It’s so funny, when you and I were (fake) friends, you made it a point to tell me everything negative you could about people in your past that used to be your “friends” and once I cut my ties with you (YES, I was the one who chose to rid my life of YOU), you were right back to being friends with those same people you badmouthed for so long. Of course, one in particular is as fake as you are, so I suppose that is a prime situation for the two of you. And please don’t be mistaken, we could care less what has, is or will go on in your life (as you posted on your FB page and someone came back and shared with us), we are just thankful and blessed that we aren’t a part of it.

Now run (HA HA) along and play nice with the other children. I mean, you act like one, might as well treat you like one, right? The best part is, you might have hurt me and stabbed me in the back, but you can’t steal my joy, love and happiness. That is MINE! Now go sit on the curb with the rest of the trash. Good day!

Letting Go and Moving On

There comes a time when you can no longer hold on to hatred in your heart, because it does you no good in the long run. It doesn’t change things or the people’s ways that you’ve grown to hate. Just as people can act in ways that make you fall in love with them, those same people can act in ways that grow hate. I learned, funny enough from a Madea movie, that forgiveness is for your own peace of mind, not the other person. It’s your own heart, well being and conscious that will suffer when you choose to carry hate rather than love in your own heart. The true meaning of forgive and forget is just that. Don’t overanalyze it. Forgive the person, give the grief and hurt and even anger to God and FORGET IT. Let it go. Don’t look back. Looking back in life is like going to a yard sale and buying your own junk back. Obviously there is a reason you got rid of it in the first place. A person can only hurt you if you ALLOW them to do so. There are many different things that you can do to let go of these inconsistencies in your soul.  My outlet is writing. Over the years, I’ve wrote down anything and everything that helps me heal. Even if it means writing down things that I want to say to a person that I just don’t have the capability to say, rather it’s due to a broken relationship or a restraining order (LOL). I always thought my life would be significantly different at the age of thirty, but I’m still learning and growing and I’m a work in progress. Lucky for me, God ain’t giving up on me!

I’ve held onto to some hate for quite some time and I’m venting and letting it go effective now.

I don’t hate you, I feel sorry for you. You’re a liar. You live your life to make others feel sorry for you and lie to get your way through this world. It should have never surprised me to find out who you really are, since you are only a product of what you came from. You cheated on me, you put your hands on me and there’s a strong possibility that you even killed my innocent puppy. I will never warn anyone about the kind of person you really are, since no one warned me, but I trust my own heart that you will be brought to light. I feel sorry for you when Karma gets it’s hands on you and especially come Judgement Day because people like you have a rude awakening when that time arrives.

I used to consider you one of my best friends, then I realized the meaning of a wolf in sheeps clothing. You are the epitome of a backstabber. You looked me straight in my face and lied to me and even hugged me and consoled me at some low times in my life. I’m surprised my skin didn’t carry burn marks from being touched by a product of Satan himself. The next time your husband beats you and you feel like you want to die just to get out of the lifestyle you’ve chosen, you may know a percentage of the pain you caused me along the way. A lot of people are finally seeing you for who you really are and I know more will along the way. You are a disgusting excuse for a woman and I don’t know how you sleep at night with your conscience. But I do pray that you find in your heart the good person that your parents raised you to be instead of the selfish, two faced witch you have morphed into.

I’m the most disgusted by you. Not only do you disgust me as the lack of a human being, woman and mother that you should be, but you even drag your child into the chaotic world you’ve created in your mind and bring emptional and mental havoc in her world as well. You know personally what it’s like to lose your father, as do I, and yet still, you create lies and prohibit your daughter from having a relationship with her own father, who is an amazing man, regardless of the lies you create in your twisted mind attempting to make him out to be anything other than the person he truly is. You have done nothing but attempt to drag his name and morals through the dirt since things didn’t go your way. The only thing he’s guilty of doing is bettering himself by removing you from his life. You are trash, you’ve always been trash, you’ll always be trash. And no I don’t just know what people have told me. If you recall, as you’re so quick to tell others, we were at one time, “friends”. You are a pitiful excuse for a mother, woman and human being. You don’t deserve to share oxygen with the rest of the human race. I can’t think of a horrid enough pain for you to go through for the things you’ve done to others. And while you continue to spread rumors and lies about me, I’ll set that straight to: he wasn’t cheating on you while you were married, as he and I didn’t become a couple until October 2011, a full two months plus after you and he had ended your relationship, prior to that, we were nothing more than friends; he didn’t abandon you and your daughter, he asked you for time apart to figure things out and you in turn moved out of the home in the middle of the day when you knew he was at work to an undisclosed location for almost four months, all the while he was calling your family asking to speak with his daughter and they were “hiding” you so that he couldn’t make contact with her; we were not stalking you when we found out you were at your grandfather’s house, you tell your business to anyone who will listen and someone told us where you lived and we rode by the house to verify the car was there so that he could give that information to DSS when you were reported for parental kidnapping; I understand that you like to tell anyone who will iisten that he is a deadbeat dad and doesn’t pay child support, but what you fail to tell them is that he gave you child support and you returned the check to him and refused the money because it was a written check showing proof that he was supporting his daughter and not cash that you could do what you liked with and not have on record; I did not tell you that I would kidnap your daughter, so you can kill that rumor as well, I did however state that he WILL have a relationship with his daughter and you were making it complicated by not coming to an agreement with him and causing it to be a court ordered ordeal; I am not expecting a child either, since that seems to be your rumor of choice these days, even telling people that don’t know me this one and they in turn asking a mutual friend about it which is how it was brought to my attention, however if I was pregnant, at least I would know who the father of my child is, so stick that in your pipe and smoke it! Now the one thing I have been accused of that is truer than true is that I told you I would be a better mother than you and that is something you can bank on. Again, I can only pray that when Karma gets ahold of you, I get a ticket and a front row seat to the show. You are in for one hell of an eye opener when the dust settles.

I’m done ranting now, I just had to clear these things from my mind and heart. I honestly feel better. Try writing sometime, might just help you too!

New Beginnings and Happy Endings Happen All the Time

I can’t believe that in six short days, I will be moving into my own apartment. True, I live alone now (well sort of, I have my fuzzy baby too and my Honeybee most nights), but this is the first time I’m actually moving by myself. It’s been a little emotional and overwhelming, but I’ve held it together pretty well. I had a brief reality slap in the face yesterday as I packed a bookcase and ran across two ring boxes that at one time held two rings that were my keys to my future.

At the tender age of thirty, my life isn’t where I always thought it would be right now, but it’s on the right path and that’s what matters. I always dreamed by the age of thirty, I’d be a great wife with a loving husband, a little curly headed one following me around and at least five years in on the purchase of my dream home. Well, I have one ex husband, one soon to be (not soon enough) ex husband, a fuzzy dog that follows me around and a new apartment.

The one major thing that I have that I didn’t put on that list is a wonderful man that loves me even when things are far from perfect, hugs me and tells me he loves me at the end of every day and never stops holding my hand and being my best friend. I feel like I have a best friend, boyfriend, and saving grace all in one. Scott has been everything I’ve needed at just the right time. I know God put us on each other’s path for a reason and we see it more with every passing day. It might have taken me some bumps and bruises, but I found what I’ve always needed/wanted in the long run. The best thing is that I learned on this crazy road called Life that I don’t have to settle and God knows, I did a lot of that in my past. That is why it’s the PAST. My future is beautiful and bright and promising. Most people know I’m a very selfless person and if there was one wish, no monetary value, that I could give everyone, it would be to know what it feels like to experience such a pure, honest, valuable love with such an amazing person. I used to look at him and think “how did I get so lucky” and now, I still think that, but I also thank God for giving me such an amazing man to share my dreams, giggles, tears and hugs with. I fall more in love every single day and I am so thankful that I never gave up on my little girl dreams. He might not wear armor and ride a white stallion, but he wears Ropers, loves Johnny Cash and drives a pick up and that’s good enough for this ol’ girl!

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Today is one of those days when my mind is going 100 mph and my body is traveling at a pace of about 35 mph. It makes me feel like poo and I hate it. I can’t wait to go to the gym tonight and then I’ll feel much better, but in the meantime, I’m sitting at work, just allowing my brain to go and go and go, because I don’t have the energy to stop it. My mind has become an enemy over the past ten years, often frightening me and upsetting me with it’s outlandish thoughts and schemes. Here lately, I feel as though I’m growing up and it’s much needed and long overdue.

My past tends to haunt me often and I find myself questioning myself more often than not. See, the thing is, I haven’t always been the “nice girl”. I actually used to be quite mean and it’s not something I’m proud of. Now I’ll be honest and tell you that a lot of the people deserved what they were dealt and had it coming, while others, I didn’t give a fair chance. Then, there are some that I gave too many chances…that’s where I’m at again in life. How many times do you let a person hurt you before you stop accepting apologies? How many times do you let them stab you in the back (and sometimes the front) before you walk away and call it quits? How many times do you listen to the lies that you know are lies before you stop giving them a chance to even tell them? At this point, I don’t know why I’ve continued trying to hold this friendship together after so much betrayal, but I’m losing patience and I know the blow up will be ridiculous and annoy me further.

Why do people lie? Why risk getting caught in a lie? Why do you choose a shitty friend over someone that’s been there for you? Why do you keep going back? What is so great that you can’t stay away? Why do you betray people that care to cater to people that don’t? How can you sleep at night or look in the mirror every day knowing you lie to my face? How? Why? I don’t understand.

What I do know and comprehend is this…I’m a generally happy person. I smile about 90% of the time, even on bad days. I find the good in everything, which often results in me getting hurt, but I keep moving forward. I cry when it hurts, but often no one knows it even hurt in the first place. I ignore the pain in hopes that it just goes away without permanent damage. I act tough to keep from getting hurt by the ignorance and heartless behavior of others. I hate confrontation, but do it if I have to. I am a peacemaker. I am a true friend. I am honest, loyal and worthy.

So, I had to vent a little to keep from blowing a fuse today, but I feel a little better now. Praying for peace, strength and understanding. I need it right now more than usual. Still believing…

Objects In Friend List Are More Conniving Than They Appear

Sadly at the present moment, I feel like Mr. Kellerman on Dirty Dancing when he asks Dr. Houseman if he knows how it feels to diagnose a patient and then get the x-rays and nothing is quite what you diagnosed.

I’m battling with a handful of internal emotions and feelings at the current moment and while I’m certain everything will work itself out, I’m thoroughly disappointed and truly mad at myself for even considering trusting and giving second (and sometimes third) chances. I trust myself a little too much from time to time and God trusts me even more than that and I can’t question his judgement, but gracious, this blinking sign seems to have burned out and therefore, I’m driving down the backroads with no headlights to warn me of the oncoming trees and narrow shoulders. Not to mention, I feel like I’m speeding too. I suppose that means when I hit the tree, it’s going to do a lot of damage. I still don’t understand the “why” of the whole situation and perhaps I never will, because my heart and mind aren’t deceiving and don’t comprehend this sordid mess.

The worst part of the entire situation is I really didn’t see it coming this go ‘round. I thought the past was the past and things had changed and gosh, was I ever wrong. Joke’s on me, I guess. I’ve learned on this crazy road called Life that sometimes having a big heart and understanding soul and forgiving demeanor are negative, rather than positive qualities. At this very moment in time, my big heart is broken, my understanding soul is confused and my forgiving demeanor is just plain pissed off! I wish I could say “No more Miss Nice Cris” and mean it and stick to it, but that big heart almost never allows me to do so. I guess my greater fear is that my heart will keep having pieces chipped away until there’s nothing left. I don’t want to be one of those bitter, cold hearted bitches that has nothing to live for and therefore must meddle in other people’s business because they are so miserable in their own existence that nothing pacifies them except to stir shit and make it stink.

I must say that having just one person on your side when things go the way of the world is a blessing. For the past several months, I’ve been more blessed than I ever imagined. I know things happen in God’s time and I respect and accept that. I waited twenty nine years, seven months, eight days and various hours, minutes and seconds to know what it felt like to be truly loved, without fault, without blame, without judgement and while that seems like a very long time, I realize that it was more than worth the wait, each time I look in his eyes and see a love like nothing I’ve ever known. There are no conditions to our relationship, there is no hate, no negativity, no stress…just love, happiness and pure joy. When you go through situations like I’ve wrote about above and the world seems to be spinning in a different direction and you’re struggling to hold on, there’s this one wonderful soul that takes you in their arms, lets you cry and scream and get it all out, then tells you you’re beautiful and that it’s you and him against the world…forever and always…no matter what. That’s is the exact moment it’s finally worth all the struggles, tears and scars.

All of this being said, I’m going to make some modifications to my world. I need to. I need to keep the weeds out of my garden, because they wind themselves around my beautiful flowers and attempt to crush their beauty. I won’t allow the weeds any longer. No more priorities when I’m only an option. No more backstatbbing. No more lies. And sadly, some folks are so caught up in their own stupidity and miserable existence that they won’t even realize it’s about them, but I’ll keep you at bay and when your true persona is revealed, you’ll be put on display for the whole world to see who you truly are. People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones and it’s sometimes good to have an enemy in your battlefield, you can tell them all the wrong secrets to go back and spread. ::insert giggle:: Good day to you all!

Damn, it feels good to be me!

Well, it finally happened...I got hacked for the very first time and I must say, people have no creativity anymore. My email was hacked and I'm sure the hacker got NOTHING they wanted there unless they wanted to know I bought new panties and get cooking.com updates...welcome to my world dumbo! Also, my Facebook was hacked and my status was updated with the following "I am a cheating white trash slut who steals my friends husbands and can't keep a good man because I'm fat and ugly."

Now on that note, I'm going to set the record straight and just put it all out there, because I know one of two people are involved in this and I am done with the ignorance of both of them. First of all, I've never cheated on anyone in my entire life, not even a sixth grade boyfriend before such things mattered, so you can smash that rumor right now. You want to call someone out for cheating, I invite both of you to grab a mirror and take a long hard look in it. One of you had others in your shared home while your spouse was at work and the other was getting pictures from guys' anatomy while your spouse was at work...now let's talk about the real cheaters in the situations, shall we? Furthermore, people generally make accusations of their own guilty pleasures. White, yeah, you got that quality right. Trash: not so much. The two of you combined made less than $9000 last year, yet both of you were married and one is even a parent or perhaps I should call you incubator since you don't do too much parenting. Sadly, not only did you both not hold down jobs and make your spouses' work even harder, but you couldn't even keep your houses clean or do laundry. Now, THAT is trashy! And trust I'm going to touch on the 'slut' comment...as I recall, one of you gave someone advice a few months ago to 'just sleep around because sometimes that's just what you need'...but I'M the slut? I'll again refer you to that mirror. Now, to my favorite part...I'm not, nor have I ever been, a thief. I didn't steal anyone's husband! You want to stake claim to something, appreciate it BEFORE it's no longer yours. A person (especially a grown up) can not be STOLEN without choosing to be. Second note on that subject, we are NOT friends and were nothing more than simple bar acquaintances. Next matter at hand, I can keep a GOOD man, I've just never had one until now! Thanks for reminding me...I'll go home and hug and kiss him and tell him how wonderful he truly is, because see, I'M the one going home to him. Oh yeah, did I mention, it's my home, I don't live with my parents and/or grandparents! Yeah, THAT! And to wrap this little story up...I am completely aware of the fact that I'm overweight and not a beauty queen, however I also struggle with diabetes every single day of my life and work out in every attempt to better my health. I may not be a size six, but I'm a very pretty size 18 and I carry it damn well! And your opinion may be that I'm ugly but I got a man that thinks I'm beautiful and tells me every single day and THAT is important to me. Furthermore, I'd rather have an ugly face than an ugly heart.

So stick that in your pipe and smoke it!

Better than I used to be...

Whew…it’s really 2012, huh? I must say mine’s already been full of pure happiness and true love and one of the saddest heartbreaks.

For the first time in I can’t remember how long, my New Year’s kiss really feels like something I’ll be doing all year long. In case I haven’t mentioned in the past five minutes, I have an awesome man in my life that has changed so many things for me in the past few months. For 29 years, I thought I knew what love was and jumped in a few times with no lifeguard, no instructions and no life saver and then I learned to take caution and use my head before my heart opened it’s big mouth and I found things are so much better than I even knew they could be. I always wondered what it meant when I heard people say “love doesn’t hurt or make you cry” and I finally get it. Yeah so it took me til I was dang near thirty to figure it out…that’s okay. I learn from my mistakes. If the worst thing I ever do on this Earth is get divorced twice and it keeps me out of Heaven, it’s gonna be a whole lot of folks not there either. I’m just sayin’! Seriously though, I do finally have it all together and it makes my little world such a wonderful place. There’s minimal stress and no anger and yelling and hatred. I fall more in love with every passing minute. I hope in fifty years, I’m still holding his hand and he’s still making me smile when things don’t always pan out. That’s what it’s all about. Sometimes things have to fall apart for better things to fall into place. That’s just exactly what happened in my lil’ piece of this galaxy.

I guess you can’t have sunshine without a little rain and God knows, that’s just what happened on January 2, as my very first ever best friend became a new angel. The circumstances of Emma’s death are still unclear and only the good Lord above knows what her final moments held, but what I do know is this…no one deserves to die, especially not alone and in the winter cold in an abandoned house, regardless of the path they’ve chosen and choices they’ve made. I haven’t seen Emma in a few years, but the recent picture I seen of her is still one of a beautiful, blue eyed blonde with a heart the size of Texas. I don’t know who Emma became in the past few years, but I do know this…in 1988, Emma was my best friend. We walked to school together every morning and walked home together every afternoon. We sat on my porch or back sunroom and played with NKOTB dolls for hours and sang every word to every song. We giggled on the phone and never ran out of things to talk about. So you see, maybe other people feel the need to look at the picture in the newspaper and judge someone who isn’t here to defend theirself, but I look at that picture and still see a seven year old little girl that learned how to skate with me so many years ago. I only pray that the legacy of such an awesome person will be passed along to her children and the negatives will be left by the wayside. I pray she left this Earth with no pain or suffering and now lives eternally as an angel. Rest in peace and faith sweet Emma.

And the next chapter in my new year will open next Tuesday as we take the first steps on what could be a long road, but will most definitely be worth it in the end. Just keep praying and having faith…it’s in God’s hands and we know the truth will be revealed…just gotta BELIEVE.

Bring it ON!

Seriously?!? It’s the last working day of 2011. Where did my year go?

It’s funny, thinking back only a year ago, so much has changed, all of it for the better, although kind of bittersweet due to the situations, not the outcome. My little planet seems to be spinning quite well these days and I love the direction it’s going, but it’s still a shock to me how much can change in so little time.

 More than a few times throughout this year, I’ve let negative people or situations take me out of character and recently I’ve gotten back on track of being true to myself. I’m only human and admitting that I’ve made mistakes is not above anything I stand for. I learn from my mistakes and that’s what makes them life lessons. Someone asked me a while back if I regretted anything that had happened and initially I said yes without any hesitation. After thinking about the question, I realized my answer was actually NO, not at all! While I have lived through one of the most challenging years of my life, I have also experienced some of the greatest moments…a random weeknight trip to Walmart and a hug changed my whole world and regained me my sister, my brother from another and my precious hair twin that makes my whole world go ‘round with a single smile…an invitation to come hang out at Hooters and watch wrestling turned into the beginning of a wonderful relationship and a love like I never dreamed was possible…a chance job application turned into a  career change that put me back on a path I’ve been missing for a few years now…an opportunity to get out of a bad situation moved a piece of my heart to Washington state and made me appreciate real friends…losing my fur baby, Pippi, made me realize how important a dog can be in someone’s life…learning to live on my own made me stronger instead of weaker as I had feared...I could probably go on with this for the rest of the day, but I’m going to stop before I ruin this expensive mascara! Honestly though, take time for you. Live with no regrets. Learn from the past. Love YOU first. Believe it and achieve it!

Now, bring on this new year!!!

You can't fix STUPID

I’m going to start this blog off by saying that I KNOW divorce/separation/breaking up isn’t easy (and my GOSH, I should know). However, at some point, you have to accept what your actions caused and know that you are the sole cause and effect of your choices. No one can make your decisions except for you. Once you’ve made bad choices and your lies have caught up with you…that is NOT the time to try to fix it. You should have been thinking about that when you were ruining your own life.

That being said, it was brought to my attention that my soon to be (not soon enough) ex spoke to one of my closest friends on Saturday night and proceeded to cry on her shoulder that he misses his “wife” and misses waking up beside of his “wife” every morning. First of all, you don’t address someone as something that you never treated them like, so I am no more your “wife” than you are (or ever were) my “husband”. You are nothing more than a tragic mistake I made and allowed myself to be brainwashed by in order to get what you wanted while I was a part of your screwed up world. Instead of continuing to worry about what you lost and telling anyone who will listen your sob story, perhaps you should try telling the TRUTH for a change and see where that gets you. Instead of how much you miss me, advise people on the fact that you had other girls at my house when I was working twelve hours a day because you can’t hold down a job and steady income, tell people how you lie every time you open your mouth about everything from why you never have money to what you ate for dinner, because I spent over $200 on groceries and half of them are gone in two days because you think you are supposed to eat like a pregnant woman that just smoked a pound of weed at EVERY meal, tell them about your temper, tell them how lazy you are, tell them you aren’t capable of being a grown man and can’t even throw your trash away or wipe a counter off, tell them how you talked to me, tell them how you abused my puppies, tell them all your other deep, dark secrets and see if they still feel sorry for you and your sad little life. I DOUBT IT! So if you want to tell the story, tell the WHOLE story, not just what you want people to know. You are not the pitiful soul you portray yourself to be. And I love how the story changes to suit the situation…one time it’s “I miss my wife more than anything and I’m always going to be in love with her and would do anything to fix this” and then when you’re talking to some new girl that you’re trying to win over, it’s “Yeah, I got rid of my wife a few months ago”. That’s right, you did get rid of me and my gosh, I don’t know why I haven’t thanked you for doing me such a huge favor!

Furthermore, I understand you have a new Facebook page that you are sending friend requests from to several people that you are completely aware are friends with me on a daily basis. Perhaps you should take advice from your family and be careful who your friends are, because YES, they do come back and tell me what’s said and what’s going on. On that note, since you have a certain family member that continues to have something to say about me, I’m going to reference something that I learned as a child…she called me a bitch with mental issues that needs some help…and my response is this…TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE!

All of that being said, I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life. Sure, I’ve been judged over my choices and that’s fine…you can’t please ‘em all, all the time. However, I have someone who treats me with love and respect, someone who doesn’t raise their voice at me, someone that holds my hand for no reason and every reason, someone who kisses me goodnight and asks how my day was, someone that cares…THAT is what love and a relationship is all about. Perhaps you should take some pointers!

The End

I wish I could say this blog will be full of my usual sunny quotes and rainbows, however it’s just not that kind of party today.

As of today, I’m 29 years, 9 months, and 2 days old. In less than three months, I’ll be 30. I’ve been through broken hearts, failed marriages, lost friends, backstabbing friends, two faced friends, the death of a parent, the death of three grandparents and I don’t know if any of them hurt as much as I hurt today.

It has taken me quite a bit of time in seconds, minutes, hours, weeks, months, years to trust people because of things I’ve been through and/or witnessed. Usually, I keep people at bay because I’m terrified of getting attached and the rug being pulled out from under me. But every now and then, someone comes along and I DO trust them right away and feeling I have pretty good judgement, I make an exception and let them into my little world and most of the time, it’s a good decision, but every blue moon, I realize how truly wrong and terrible my choice was…this is one of those times.

Few things in life hurt worse than finding out you have a friend that’s actually not a friend at all. I’m hurt, heartbroken, devastated, disappointed, livid, mad, upset, deceived…the list could truly go on for days at this point. Sadly, this wasn’t just a friend, but someone I considered to be one of my best friends and now, I see that she was never a friend at all. I’ve literally been lied to, lied about, talked about, cussed out, etc and I still tried to make it work. Obviously my efforts were not only useless but in vain, as the whole ordeal has been nothing but one huge LIE. I don’t deal with a few types of people: liars, cheaters and thieves. I’ll walk away and save you the trouble.

This is the thing about hurting a good hearted person. We usually know that we’re good hearted. We know people have and will take advantage of us because we’re good hearted. We love and hurt with our whole heart and soul. But once you cross me, I’m done. I can be your best friend, your most passionate ally, your biggest supporter but cross me just once and see if I can’t be your worst nightmare, screw with the people I love and I’ll make you wish you never heard my name. My wrath and fury makes the devil look like June Cleaver. Keep pushing me and I’ll shove back. You won’t win this war. Best advice I can give is to pretend you don’t know me and never did. If you see me, don’t speak, don’t nod, don’t wave…just keep walking and don’t EVER look back.

Parting is such sweet sorrow…sometimes. Others, it’s just a breath of fresh air.

THE END