I've been called worse...

I have found myself at a place in my life where I have a renewed faith and inner peace that I’ve prayed and longed for, for quite some time. I don’t even find myself upset when I hear and see the things that take place or are said around me, though I do sometimes still find humor in it. Mostly because I realize that it’s jealousy and ignorance at it’s best.

It’s kind of funny but, I have now being referred to as a slut. No doubt, I’ve been called worse by better people and it didn’t hurt my feelings, because that would imply that a) it was true and b) that I valued this person’s opinion of me. The humor in this is that the person calling me a slut has had four boyfriends in the past seven months that she’s publicly professed to “loving”, posted inappropriate pictures of, introduced to her child, admitted to being intimate with and used for whatever she could get to benefit herself, but I’M the slut? Color me confused! This is what I’ve come to realize: jealousy is such an ugly trait and it shows through. I hear and see the things that are said about me by this person and I know it’s just jealousy speaking loudly. The rumors, the lies, the accusations…it’s all a part of your elaborate scheme to make yourself feel better and get even with someone who bettered themselves by ridding their life of you. People see you for who you are. They may not all be to a point of disgust with you that I am, in that they haven’t said what they think of you to your face, but they express their opinions. You think you got all your ducks in a row when in reality, you are a train wreck and your world is falling apart right in front of your face. That’s what happens when you think the way to wade through life is to cheat, lie and manipulate people who try to help you…you get burned baby! Perhaps you should worry a little more about what is going on in your own home and pitiful excuse for a life and less about finding a new boyfriend to try and support you. There’s this foreign concept that you haven’t seemed to grasp called a JOB. You could pay your own way rather than stress over finding someone else to pay for you. I know that seems far fetched in your world, but everyone has to grow up eventually or just continue to pay the consequences of choosing to be ignorant, stubborn and jealous.

I will say this, I believe in karma and I believe that what goes around comes around and you’ve got a lot of debt to pay off in those departments. I hope you’re ready to deal with that sleeping dragon you poked. Most people would let sleeping dogs lie. Now where’s my popcorn, this entertainment is getting good! Enjoy the show!

Taking Out the Trash

I have been doing some thinking about some findings lately and since this is where I rant to keep from ending up in jail, here ya go:

So as you all know, it’s been an adventure of sorts since Scott and I began dating and both of us truly love being in a relationship where things are simple and real and honest and fun, but not everyone is pleased with our happiness and while most are smart enough to keep their mouths shut and simply stay away from me, others still feel the need to continue to work their jaws in an effort to cure their jealousy.

Sure, you can deny the jealousy if you’d like, but see, when you ask what my boyfriend looks like naked, suggest I take pictures and show you and then get all in a tizzy when I don’t bite the bait, it’s YOUR problem, not MINE. I choose to keep my relationship exclusive, between him and me, the way it should be. As for the other questions you’ve asked me to answer, yeah, you’ll never know that either. Just for the record though, it by far surpasses anything your pea brain could imagine in your wildest fantasies! Yeah, there’s you something to think about! Furthermore, it’s comical that you choose to spread rumors about how disrespected you are by your “younger” friends because we have no proper upbringing or manners. Truth is, I acted with more respect and manners at the age of 15 than you do at 45. If we’re gonna call a spade a spade, keep it real. Don’t just tell what you want people to know, tell the truth (now I’m aware this is a challenge for you). Since the day I’ve met you, nothing but lies have spewed from your mouth and they change to suit your life, your situation, your current group of friends and your surroundings. If you thought you could tell someone the sky was brown and dogs quacked and it would gain you anything, you’d tell it and never bat an eyelash. You are the worst and most dangerous kind of liar, because you believe your lies and you have no heart. You literally can look people straight in the face and lie to them. I know, you’ve done it to me. As for your newfound friendships and your constant diarrhea of the mouth behind the safety of your computer screen, those are only your friends until they don’t do what you want them to and then they’ll see the real you to. You are great at being fake. You deserve an Academy Award for your victim role in the game of Life. It’s so funny, when you and I were (fake) friends, you made it a point to tell me everything negative you could about people in your past that used to be your “friends” and once I cut my ties with you (YES, I was the one who chose to rid my life of YOU), you were right back to being friends with those same people you badmouthed for so long. Of course, one in particular is as fake as you are, so I suppose that is a prime situation for the two of you. And please don’t be mistaken, we could care less what has, is or will go on in your life (as you posted on your FB page and someone came back and shared with us), we are just thankful and blessed that we aren’t a part of it.

Now run (HA HA) along and play nice with the other children. I mean, you act like one, might as well treat you like one, right? The best part is, you might have hurt me and stabbed me in the back, but you can’t steal my joy, love and happiness. That is MINE! Now go sit on the curb with the rest of the trash. Good day!

Letting Go and Moving On

There comes a time when you can no longer hold on to hatred in your heart, because it does you no good in the long run. It doesn’t change things or the people’s ways that you’ve grown to hate. Just as people can act in ways that make you fall in love with them, those same people can act in ways that grow hate. I learned, funny enough from a Madea movie, that forgiveness is for your own peace of mind, not the other person. It’s your own heart, well being and conscious that will suffer when you choose to carry hate rather than love in your own heart. The true meaning of forgive and forget is just that. Don’t overanalyze it. Forgive the person, give the grief and hurt and even anger to God and FORGET IT. Let it go. Don’t look back. Looking back in life is like going to a yard sale and buying your own junk back. Obviously there is a reason you got rid of it in the first place. A person can only hurt you if you ALLOW them to do so. There are many different things that you can do to let go of these inconsistencies in your soul.  My outlet is writing. Over the years, I’ve wrote down anything and everything that helps me heal. Even if it means writing down things that I want to say to a person that I just don’t have the capability to say, rather it’s due to a broken relationship or a restraining order (LOL). I always thought my life would be significantly different at the age of thirty, but I’m still learning and growing and I’m a work in progress. Lucky for me, God ain’t giving up on me!

I’ve held onto to some hate for quite some time and I’m venting and letting it go effective now.

I don’t hate you, I feel sorry for you. You’re a liar. You live your life to make others feel sorry for you and lie to get your way through this world. It should have never surprised me to find out who you really are, since you are only a product of what you came from. You cheated on me, you put your hands on me and there’s a strong possibility that you even killed my innocent puppy. I will never warn anyone about the kind of person you really are, since no one warned me, but I trust my own heart that you will be brought to light. I feel sorry for you when Karma gets it’s hands on you and especially come Judgement Day because people like you have a rude awakening when that time arrives.

I used to consider you one of my best friends, then I realized the meaning of a wolf in sheeps clothing. You are the epitome of a backstabber. You looked me straight in my face and lied to me and even hugged me and consoled me at some low times in my life. I’m surprised my skin didn’t carry burn marks from being touched by a product of Satan himself. The next time your husband beats you and you feel like you want to die just to get out of the lifestyle you’ve chosen, you may know a percentage of the pain you caused me along the way. A lot of people are finally seeing you for who you really are and I know more will along the way. You are a disgusting excuse for a woman and I don’t know how you sleep at night with your conscience. But I do pray that you find in your heart the good person that your parents raised you to be instead of the selfish, two faced witch you have morphed into.

I’m the most disgusted by you. Not only do you disgust me as the lack of a human being, woman and mother that you should be, but you even drag your child into the chaotic world you’ve created in your mind and bring emptional and mental havoc in her world as well. You know personally what it’s like to lose your father, as do I, and yet still, you create lies and prohibit your daughter from having a relationship with her own father, who is an amazing man, regardless of the lies you create in your twisted mind attempting to make him out to be anything other than the person he truly is. You have done nothing but attempt to drag his name and morals through the dirt since things didn’t go your way. The only thing he’s guilty of doing is bettering himself by removing you from his life. You are trash, you’ve always been trash, you’ll always be trash. And no I don’t just know what people have told me. If you recall, as you’re so quick to tell others, we were at one time, “friends”. You are a pitiful excuse for a mother, woman and human being. You don’t deserve to share oxygen with the rest of the human race. I can’t think of a horrid enough pain for you to go through for the things you’ve done to others. And while you continue to spread rumors and lies about me, I’ll set that straight to: he wasn’t cheating on you while you were married, as he and I didn’t become a couple until October 2011, a full two months plus after you and he had ended your relationship, prior to that, we were nothing more than friends; he didn’t abandon you and your daughter, he asked you for time apart to figure things out and you in turn moved out of the home in the middle of the day when you knew he was at work to an undisclosed location for almost four months, all the while he was calling your family asking to speak with his daughter and they were “hiding” you so that he couldn’t make contact with her; we were not stalking you when we found out you were at your grandfather’s house, you tell your business to anyone who will listen and someone told us where you lived and we rode by the house to verify the car was there so that he could give that information to DSS when you were reported for parental kidnapping; I understand that you like to tell anyone who will iisten that he is a deadbeat dad and doesn’t pay child support, but what you fail to tell them is that he gave you child support and you returned the check to him and refused the money because it was a written check showing proof that he was supporting his daughter and not cash that you could do what you liked with and not have on record; I did not tell you that I would kidnap your daughter, so you can kill that rumor as well, I did however state that he WILL have a relationship with his daughter and you were making it complicated by not coming to an agreement with him and causing it to be a court ordered ordeal; I am not expecting a child either, since that seems to be your rumor of choice these days, even telling people that don’t know me this one and they in turn asking a mutual friend about it which is how it was brought to my attention, however if I was pregnant, at least I would know who the father of my child is, so stick that in your pipe and smoke it! Now the one thing I have been accused of that is truer than true is that I told you I would be a better mother than you and that is something you can bank on. Again, I can only pray that when Karma gets ahold of you, I get a ticket and a front row seat to the show. You are in for one hell of an eye opener when the dust settles.

I’m done ranting now, I just had to clear these things from my mind and heart. I honestly feel better. Try writing sometime, might just help you too!

New Beginnings and Happy Endings Happen All the Time

I can’t believe that in six short days, I will be moving into my own apartment. True, I live alone now (well sort of, I have my fuzzy baby too and my Honeybee most nights), but this is the first time I’m actually moving by myself. It’s been a little emotional and overwhelming, but I’ve held it together pretty well. I had a brief reality slap in the face yesterday as I packed a bookcase and ran across two ring boxes that at one time held two rings that were my keys to my future.

At the tender age of thirty, my life isn’t where I always thought it would be right now, but it’s on the right path and that’s what matters. I always dreamed by the age of thirty, I’d be a great wife with a loving husband, a little curly headed one following me around and at least five years in on the purchase of my dream home. Well, I have one ex husband, one soon to be (not soon enough) ex husband, a fuzzy dog that follows me around and a new apartment.

The one major thing that I have that I didn’t put on that list is a wonderful man that loves me even when things are far from perfect, hugs me and tells me he loves me at the end of every day and never stops holding my hand and being my best friend. I feel like I have a best friend, boyfriend, and saving grace all in one. Scott has been everything I’ve needed at just the right time. I know God put us on each other’s path for a reason and we see it more with every passing day. It might have taken me some bumps and bruises, but I found what I’ve always needed/wanted in the long run. The best thing is that I learned on this crazy road called Life that I don’t have to settle and God knows, I did a lot of that in my past. That is why it’s the PAST. My future is beautiful and bright and promising. Most people know I’m a very selfless person and if there was one wish, no monetary value, that I could give everyone, it would be to know what it feels like to experience such a pure, honest, valuable love with such an amazing person. I used to look at him and think “how did I get so lucky” and now, I still think that, but I also thank God for giving me such an amazing man to share my dreams, giggles, tears and hugs with. I fall more in love every single day and I am so thankful that I never gave up on my little girl dreams. He might not wear armor and ride a white stallion, but he wears Ropers, loves Johnny Cash and drives a pick up and that’s good enough for this ol’ girl!

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Today is one of those days when my mind is going 100 mph and my body is traveling at a pace of about 35 mph. It makes me feel like poo and I hate it. I can’t wait to go to the gym tonight and then I’ll feel much better, but in the meantime, I’m sitting at work, just allowing my brain to go and go and go, because I don’t have the energy to stop it. My mind has become an enemy over the past ten years, often frightening me and upsetting me with it’s outlandish thoughts and schemes. Here lately, I feel as though I’m growing up and it’s much needed and long overdue.

My past tends to haunt me often and I find myself questioning myself more often than not. See, the thing is, I haven’t always been the “nice girl”. I actually used to be quite mean and it’s not something I’m proud of. Now I’ll be honest and tell you that a lot of the people deserved what they were dealt and had it coming, while others, I didn’t give a fair chance. Then, there are some that I gave too many chances…that’s where I’m at again in life. How many times do you let a person hurt you before you stop accepting apologies? How many times do you let them stab you in the back (and sometimes the front) before you walk away and call it quits? How many times do you listen to the lies that you know are lies before you stop giving them a chance to even tell them? At this point, I don’t know why I’ve continued trying to hold this friendship together after so much betrayal, but I’m losing patience and I know the blow up will be ridiculous and annoy me further.

Why do people lie? Why risk getting caught in a lie? Why do you choose a shitty friend over someone that’s been there for you? Why do you keep going back? What is so great that you can’t stay away? Why do you betray people that care to cater to people that don’t? How can you sleep at night or look in the mirror every day knowing you lie to my face? How? Why? I don’t understand.

What I do know and comprehend is this…I’m a generally happy person. I smile about 90% of the time, even on bad days. I find the good in everything, which often results in me getting hurt, but I keep moving forward. I cry when it hurts, but often no one knows it even hurt in the first place. I ignore the pain in hopes that it just goes away without permanent damage. I act tough to keep from getting hurt by the ignorance and heartless behavior of others. I hate confrontation, but do it if I have to. I am a peacemaker. I am a true friend. I am honest, loyal and worthy.

So, I had to vent a little to keep from blowing a fuse today, but I feel a little better now. Praying for peace, strength and understanding. I need it right now more than usual. Still believing…

Objects In Friend List Are More Conniving Than They Appear

Sadly at the present moment, I feel like Mr. Kellerman on Dirty Dancing when he asks Dr. Houseman if he knows how it feels to diagnose a patient and then get the x-rays and nothing is quite what you diagnosed.

I’m battling with a handful of internal emotions and feelings at the current moment and while I’m certain everything will work itself out, I’m thoroughly disappointed and truly mad at myself for even considering trusting and giving second (and sometimes third) chances. I trust myself a little too much from time to time and God trusts me even more than that and I can’t question his judgement, but gracious, this blinking sign seems to have burned out and therefore, I’m driving down the backroads with no headlights to warn me of the oncoming trees and narrow shoulders. Not to mention, I feel like I’m speeding too. I suppose that means when I hit the tree, it’s going to do a lot of damage. I still don’t understand the “why” of the whole situation and perhaps I never will, because my heart and mind aren’t deceiving and don’t comprehend this sordid mess.

The worst part of the entire situation is I really didn’t see it coming this go ‘round. I thought the past was the past and things had changed and gosh, was I ever wrong. Joke’s on me, I guess. I’ve learned on this crazy road called Life that sometimes having a big heart and understanding soul and forgiving demeanor are negative, rather than positive qualities. At this very moment in time, my big heart is broken, my understanding soul is confused and my forgiving demeanor is just plain pissed off! I wish I could say “No more Miss Nice Cris” and mean it and stick to it, but that big heart almost never allows me to do so. I guess my greater fear is that my heart will keep having pieces chipped away until there’s nothing left. I don’t want to be one of those bitter, cold hearted bitches that has nothing to live for and therefore must meddle in other people’s business because they are so miserable in their own existence that nothing pacifies them except to stir shit and make it stink.

I must say that having just one person on your side when things go the way of the world is a blessing. For the past several months, I’ve been more blessed than I ever imagined. I know things happen in God’s time and I respect and accept that. I waited twenty nine years, seven months, eight days and various hours, minutes and seconds to know what it felt like to be truly loved, without fault, without blame, without judgement and while that seems like a very long time, I realize that it was more than worth the wait, each time I look in his eyes and see a love like nothing I’ve ever known. There are no conditions to our relationship, there is no hate, no negativity, no stress…just love, happiness and pure joy. When you go through situations like I’ve wrote about above and the world seems to be spinning in a different direction and you’re struggling to hold on, there’s this one wonderful soul that takes you in their arms, lets you cry and scream and get it all out, then tells you you’re beautiful and that it’s you and him against the world…forever and always…no matter what. That’s is the exact moment it’s finally worth all the struggles, tears and scars.

All of this being said, I’m going to make some modifications to my world. I need to. I need to keep the weeds out of my garden, because they wind themselves around my beautiful flowers and attempt to crush their beauty. I won’t allow the weeds any longer. No more priorities when I’m only an option. No more backstatbbing. No more lies. And sadly, some folks are so caught up in their own stupidity and miserable existence that they won’t even realize it’s about them, but I’ll keep you at bay and when your true persona is revealed, you’ll be put on display for the whole world to see who you truly are. People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones and it’s sometimes good to have an enemy in your battlefield, you can tell them all the wrong secrets to go back and spread. ::insert giggle:: Good day to you all!

Damn, it feels good to be me!

Well, it finally happened...I got hacked for the very first time and I must say, people have no creativity anymore. My email was hacked and I'm sure the hacker got NOTHING they wanted there unless they wanted to know I bought new panties and get cooking.com updates...welcome to my world dumbo! Also, my Facebook was hacked and my status was updated with the following "I am a cheating white trash slut who steals my friends husbands and can't keep a good man because I'm fat and ugly."

Now on that note, I'm going to set the record straight and just put it all out there, because I know one of two people are involved in this and I am done with the ignorance of both of them. First of all, I've never cheated on anyone in my entire life, not even a sixth grade boyfriend before such things mattered, so you can smash that rumor right now. You want to call someone out for cheating, I invite both of you to grab a mirror and take a long hard look in it. One of you had others in your shared home while your spouse was at work and the other was getting pictures from guys' anatomy while your spouse was at work...now let's talk about the real cheaters in the situations, shall we? Furthermore, people generally make accusations of their own guilty pleasures. White, yeah, you got that quality right. Trash: not so much. The two of you combined made less than $9000 last year, yet both of you were married and one is even a parent or perhaps I should call you incubator since you don't do too much parenting. Sadly, not only did you both not hold down jobs and make your spouses' work even harder, but you couldn't even keep your houses clean or do laundry. Now, THAT is trashy! And trust I'm going to touch on the 'slut' comment...as I recall, one of you gave someone advice a few months ago to 'just sleep around because sometimes that's just what you need'...but I'M the slut? I'll again refer you to that mirror. Now, to my favorite part...I'm not, nor have I ever been, a thief. I didn't steal anyone's husband! You want to stake claim to something, appreciate it BEFORE it's no longer yours. A person (especially a grown up) can not be STOLEN without choosing to be. Second note on that subject, we are NOT friends and were nothing more than simple bar acquaintances. Next matter at hand, I can keep a GOOD man, I've just never had one until now! Thanks for reminding me...I'll go home and hug and kiss him and tell him how wonderful he truly is, because see, I'M the one going home to him. Oh yeah, did I mention, it's my home, I don't live with my parents and/or grandparents! Yeah, THAT! And to wrap this little story up...I am completely aware of the fact that I'm overweight and not a beauty queen, however I also struggle with diabetes every single day of my life and work out in every attempt to better my health. I may not be a size six, but I'm a very pretty size 18 and I carry it damn well! And your opinion may be that I'm ugly but I got a man that thinks I'm beautiful and tells me every single day and THAT is important to me. Furthermore, I'd rather have an ugly face than an ugly heart.

So stick that in your pipe and smoke it!