Bring it ON!

Seriously?!? It’s the last working day of 2011. Where did my year go?

It’s funny, thinking back only a year ago, so much has changed, all of it for the better, although kind of bittersweet due to the situations, not the outcome. My little planet seems to be spinning quite well these days and I love the direction it’s going, but it’s still a shock to me how much can change in so little time.

 More than a few times throughout this year, I’ve let negative people or situations take me out of character and recently I’ve gotten back on track of being true to myself. I’m only human and admitting that I’ve made mistakes is not above anything I stand for. I learn from my mistakes and that’s what makes them life lessons. Someone asked me a while back if I regretted anything that had happened and initially I said yes without any hesitation. After thinking about the question, I realized my answer was actually NO, not at all! While I have lived through one of the most challenging years of my life, I have also experienced some of the greatest moments…a random weeknight trip to Walmart and a hug changed my whole world and regained me my sister, my brother from another and my precious hair twin that makes my whole world go ‘round with a single smile…an invitation to come hang out at Hooters and watch wrestling turned into the beginning of a wonderful relationship and a love like I never dreamed was possible…a chance job application turned into a  career change that put me back on a path I’ve been missing for a few years now…an opportunity to get out of a bad situation moved a piece of my heart to Washington state and made me appreciate real friends…losing my fur baby, Pippi, made me realize how important a dog can be in someone’s life…learning to live on my own made me stronger instead of weaker as I had feared...I could probably go on with this for the rest of the day, but I’m going to stop before I ruin this expensive mascara! Honestly though, take time for you. Live with no regrets. Learn from the past. Love YOU first. Believe it and achieve it!

Now, bring on this new year!!!

You can't fix STUPID

I’m going to start this blog off by saying that I KNOW divorce/separation/breaking up isn’t easy (and my GOSH, I should know). However, at some point, you have to accept what your actions caused and know that you are the sole cause and effect of your choices. No one can make your decisions except for you. Once you’ve made bad choices and your lies have caught up with you…that is NOT the time to try to fix it. You should have been thinking about that when you were ruining your own life.

That being said, it was brought to my attention that my soon to be (not soon enough) ex spoke to one of my closest friends on Saturday night and proceeded to cry on her shoulder that he misses his “wife” and misses waking up beside of his “wife” every morning. First of all, you don’t address someone as something that you never treated them like, so I am no more your “wife” than you are (or ever were) my “husband”. You are nothing more than a tragic mistake I made and allowed myself to be brainwashed by in order to get what you wanted while I was a part of your screwed up world. Instead of continuing to worry about what you lost and telling anyone who will listen your sob story, perhaps you should try telling the TRUTH for a change and see where that gets you. Instead of how much you miss me, advise people on the fact that you had other girls at my house when I was working twelve hours a day because you can’t hold down a job and steady income, tell people how you lie every time you open your mouth about everything from why you never have money to what you ate for dinner, because I spent over $200 on groceries and half of them are gone in two days because you think you are supposed to eat like a pregnant woman that just smoked a pound of weed at EVERY meal, tell them about your temper, tell them how lazy you are, tell them you aren’t capable of being a grown man and can’t even throw your trash away or wipe a counter off, tell them how you talked to me, tell them how you abused my puppies, tell them all your other deep, dark secrets and see if they still feel sorry for you and your sad little life. I DOUBT IT! So if you want to tell the story, tell the WHOLE story, not just what you want people to know. You are not the pitiful soul you portray yourself to be. And I love how the story changes to suit the situation…one time it’s “I miss my wife more than anything and I’m always going to be in love with her and would do anything to fix this” and then when you’re talking to some new girl that you’re trying to win over, it’s “Yeah, I got rid of my wife a few months ago”. That’s right, you did get rid of me and my gosh, I don’t know why I haven’t thanked you for doing me such a huge favor!

Furthermore, I understand you have a new Facebook page that you are sending friend requests from to several people that you are completely aware are friends with me on a daily basis. Perhaps you should take advice from your family and be careful who your friends are, because YES, they do come back and tell me what’s said and what’s going on. On that note, since you have a certain family member that continues to have something to say about me, I’m going to reference something that I learned as a child…she called me a bitch with mental issues that needs some help…and my response is this…TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE!

All of that being said, I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life. Sure, I’ve been judged over my choices and that’s fine…you can’t please ‘em all, all the time. However, I have someone who treats me with love and respect, someone who doesn’t raise their voice at me, someone that holds my hand for no reason and every reason, someone who kisses me goodnight and asks how my day was, someone that cares…THAT is what love and a relationship is all about. Perhaps you should take some pointers!

The End

I wish I could say this blog will be full of my usual sunny quotes and rainbows, however it’s just not that kind of party today.

As of today, I’m 29 years, 9 months, and 2 days old. In less than three months, I’ll be 30. I’ve been through broken hearts, failed marriages, lost friends, backstabbing friends, two faced friends, the death of a parent, the death of three grandparents and I don’t know if any of them hurt as much as I hurt today.

It has taken me quite a bit of time in seconds, minutes, hours, weeks, months, years to trust people because of things I’ve been through and/or witnessed. Usually, I keep people at bay because I’m terrified of getting attached and the rug being pulled out from under me. But every now and then, someone comes along and I DO trust them right away and feeling I have pretty good judgement, I make an exception and let them into my little world and most of the time, it’s a good decision, but every blue moon, I realize how truly wrong and terrible my choice was…this is one of those times.

Few things in life hurt worse than finding out you have a friend that’s actually not a friend at all. I’m hurt, heartbroken, devastated, disappointed, livid, mad, upset, deceived…the list could truly go on for days at this point. Sadly, this wasn’t just a friend, but someone I considered to be one of my best friends and now, I see that she was never a friend at all. I’ve literally been lied to, lied about, talked about, cussed out, etc and I still tried to make it work. Obviously my efforts were not only useless but in vain, as the whole ordeal has been nothing but one huge LIE. I don’t deal with a few types of people: liars, cheaters and thieves. I’ll walk away and save you the trouble.

This is the thing about hurting a good hearted person. We usually know that we’re good hearted. We know people have and will take advantage of us because we’re good hearted. We love and hurt with our whole heart and soul. But once you cross me, I’m done. I can be your best friend, your most passionate ally, your biggest supporter but cross me just once and see if I can’t be your worst nightmare, screw with the people I love and I’ll make you wish you never heard my name. My wrath and fury makes the devil look like June Cleaver. Keep pushing me and I’ll shove back. You won’t win this war. Best advice I can give is to pretend you don’t know me and never did. If you see me, don’t speak, don’t nod, don’t wave…just keep walking and don’t EVER look back.

Parting is such sweet sorrow…sometimes. Others, it’s just a breath of fresh air.

THE END

Rebelicious

It’s taken me some time to think about this blog prior to writing is as I’m not a very controversial person, but I do believe in what I was raised on and feel as though I’m a pretty good person at the end of the day. That being said, please do not read more into this blog than what is written and turn it into something it’s not. Here we go y’all!

Last week, some folks were having a conversation about one girl’s brother dating a Caucasian girl. The girl speaking on the matter was an African American girl (just to avoid any confusion). So, the conversation taking place was that the brother girlfriend uses the “N” word in a derogatory manner (I don’t think there is any other manner, it’s an ugly word) and that the girl is trash and wears rebel flag shirts. Well, I was not part of the conversation, but my ears perked up like a dog at dinner time on that note. I didn’t say anything and kept listening to them bash the girl and her upbringing and choice of clothing. Finally (and I knew it was coming), one of the girls asked my opinion and I said, no one should ever use that word, black, white, Asian, Spanish, Italian, blue with orange polka dots…it’s a rude and disrespectful term and only meant to hurt people. So, the same girl then says, “Cris, do you wear rebel flags” and I said, “Why” (I NEVER saw this coming) and she said, “Because you’re friends with us and I just don’t think white people that wear rebel flags can really be friends with black people”. IS THAT SO MA’AM?

Let me just say that I cut the conversation off right there and said it was probably best not to make this a work topic. SERIOUSLY! Not only am I friends with ALL races and ethnicities, my best friend that I consider my sister is half Spanish, her husband is a black man, my nephew is obviously a mixture of the two, my aunt has never dated a white man, my uncle is married to a black woman, my daddy’s best friend that he considered a brother was a black man and you have the nerve to tell me that I can’t be friends with YOU because I wear a rebel flag on a t-shirt!?!? I think we can determine who the ignorant one of the two of us truly is and if you’re still confused, there are mirrors in the restroom.

I have never felt so offended in my life. And I wasn’t offended because she offended me, I was offended at HER ignorance and lack of couth. How can you judge a person like that? I don’t judge you because you wear earring that would fit around my thighs or question your lifestyle because you wear clear heels in the daytime, but you want to ask me something that stupid in the middle of the workplace of all places? I don’t really have anything further to say about it. Truth be told, people that really know me would never have to ask such a question and love me, cowboy boots, rebel flags, cupcake hairbows and all, because that’s me and where I come from and how I was raised. I’m just simple and southern and if that’s too much for you to handle, you can kiss my country ass!

New Year, New You (and ME TOO)!

I truly hope y’all are ready for the holidays, because they aren’t slowing down and will be here before you know it. That being said, I want to challenge you and myself…don’t wait until December 31, 2011 to make your resolution. Make the resolution now, prepare yourself for success and hit the ground running when 2012 shows it’s face! Without further hesitation, I give you my list…

1. I will renew my black card gym membership at the Planet. This means a few things. It first and foremost means that I have the necessary equipment and ability to get my body back in shape, I must supply the willpower and drive. It also means that I can take someone with me EVERY single time I go to the gym, so those of you that want to go without the commitment, let’s do it! My goal is to go to the gym at least three times a week for the first two months and then move to four times a week during the month of March (excluding my birthday week).
2. I will cut my caffeine intake to 8oz per day and it will be in the form of a diet drink that is dark or red and not yellow (Sundrop is a no-no). I will drink at least 64oz of water each day. I will drink 8oz of 1% milk per day.
3. I will eat healthier. I will eat white carbs with one meal per day, no exceptions. White carbs (for those of you that this confuses include but are not limited to: rice, white potatoes, bread, pasta, etc. I will be more observant of labels and what I’m putting in my body. Salad is my friend, not the enemy or just a “starter” before the main meal. Sweet potatoes are much better than white potatoes. Wheat pasta is not that bad. Season it up!
4. I will continue to accept my past and love myself for taking care of me when it was most important. I will not beat myself up for removing myself from a bad situation. I will not blame myself for another person’s negative behavior and actions. I will continue learning how to be happy and allow someone to love me without mistreating me and bringing me down. I will continue to love him in the same manner. Together, we are so much more than what we are apart.
5. I will continue renewing my faith and belief in my religious walk. I know I’ve questioned God and beat myself up about it, but it’s only human to ask why. Luckily, God understands and forgives and continues loving unconditionally.
6. I will accept my 30’s with open arms and know that I’m not getting older, only wiser and more educated!!! Bring it on!
7. I will overcome and beat Diabetes…my demon that lives within me and tries to bring me down. I know that by becoming healthier and more aware, it is VERY feasible to rid myself of this disease that has consumed me over the past few years. I can do it!
8. I will continue my self prescribed therapy in the form of writing and music. I haven’t come this far and not learned anything and I’m always willing and wanting to learn more.
9. I will end one era of my life and close the door, lock the door with ten deadbolts and throw away the key. And don’t you dare worry about this lil’ gal looking back.
10. I will not stop believing!

So, there you have it. I hope this pushes you to create your own list and be prepared when 2012 rears it’s head! Let’s make it a good one y’all!

All you need is a lil' fairy dust...

The past week has been eye opening for me. I realize that in order to get by in this world, at some point, I have to stand up for me and what I believe in. I get emails from so many people that read this blog, some that I don’t even know and they tell me stories of how I inspire them or motivate them and how my blog helped them through a hard time and so on and so forth and then I realized, would they still look up to me if they knew how easy it is for me to be weak when I’m alone. I hate confrontation, but if needed, I’ll jump right in the lion’s den, however, it’s usually in regard to someone upsetting my momma, my sister, my love, my friends, my dogs, etc…hardly ever is it when someone has betrayed me. I’m quick to defend the people who own my heart, but I let my own back carry footprints and stab wounds without recourse. Finally last week, a co-worker said, “Cris, why are you less important than those around you that you love?”. Dang, never really thought of it that way before, just kind of always went with it. However, last week, I stood up for myself and I stood my ground, even when my voice was shaking and tears fell freely down my cheeks, I never backed down, because I strongly believed in what I was fighting for and knew if I backed down, I would lose my footing and fall right back down. I remember being a kiddo and hearing the story of Chicken Little and “the sky falling”…that chicken ran all over town spreading word that the sky was falling and creating panic and chaos, yet never once stopped to think before I spread this rumor, perhaps I should consider that I may have been sitting under an apple tree. I need some folks to start considering the apple tree before you accuse and create panic and disorder and chaos in your world (and mine)! Life is too short for all this nonsense and self destruction. It’s also too short to spend it being stressed and miserable. Get back in the saddle and ride the horse…for God’s sake, if you fall off, you’re no worse off than you were sitting on the ground under that apple tree, right? At least you took the chance. No one ever won the lottery without buying a ticket. Surround yourself with love, happiness, smiles, giggles and a little bit of crazy (everyone needs a little bit of crazy) and I can almost assure you that you will find while one bad apple ruins the bunch, one ray of sunshine can melt the snowflakes. Again, I remind you, LIFE IS TOO SHORT! Believe and you shall receive…build it and they will come…YOU are the controller of YOUR own destiny! So, I leave you with a sprinkle of fairy dust ::twinkle, twinkle::…the rest is up to YOU!

Cowards vs Adults

There are times in my life when I’ve struggled to understand another person’s point of view and tried my best to find a fair medium. I’m going through a situation currently where I’m at a complete loss as to what to do to form a compromise and it’s fixing to end a friendship.

Since starting a new relationship with much future potential and anticipation, I’ve spent a lot of time building what we both hope to be a long relationship that will be both of our lasts. We’ve found in each other what we’ve both always wanted and life is finally where we’d both like it to be with one exception that is currently being worked on, God willing. I am well aware that in order to build a successful relationship, you must put forth effort, understanding, compromise, etc. and that it requires one on one time to build it, mold it and make it into what you want it to be. Love isn’t created overnight and requires work and patience. A couple can not constantly spend time with others and expect their own union to flourish. Speaking from experience, I’ve been in a situation where a relationship began to depend on others to stay steady due to a connection being gone and becoming part of a group and no longer part of a couple. If they didn’t all stand at the alter with you and repeat the vows or share your bed with you when you lay down at night or stand in between your kisses and hugs, then they are NOT to always be in the picture when you require “couple” time. It seems cut and dry to me, but I’ve found that it’s truly not easy for some people to understand.

That being said, I’d also like to say that all people are not the same. I may deal with situations in life differently than others and that doesn’t mean that you’re right and I’m wrong or vice versa, it simply means that we’re different and that is completely fine. What’s not fine is judging me because I don’t do things your way. Yes, I’ve been through a divorce and I’m currently going through a second one and I don’t need anyone throwing that up in my face or questioning my actions in this world. Sometimes love comes on our time and always, it comes on God’s time and that’s what I believe in. If you don’t approve of my actions, that’s fine too, but don’t judge me, as somewhere along the road, I probably haven’t approved of all of your actions, yet being a good friend, I kept my judgment and opinions to myself and was there to let you cry on my shoulder when needed or dance in the rain when needed.

Friends are not in your life to judge you or put you down. They are there to be there to support your dreams, hopes, wishes, etc. If you continuously feel as though you are the only one giving and your ‘friends’ are always taking, they probably aren’t a friend. On the other hand, if a friend comes to you with an issue and addresses it as an adult, it doesn’t mean they are “putting you down” or “being mean” to you…they are simply putting things in perspective that you obviously didn’t think were wrong but upset someone else without your knowledge (or perhaps with it and you NEEDED to be called out). Either way, facing your giants is always going to be tough and being a coward will always be easy. Make that choice wisely as you never know the outcome of either, but I can assure you that maturity almost always wins.

She's got a heartbeat!

I’m taking time to sit down and pour my heart out today, because I feel like I need to or I’m going to blow a fuse. As most of you are aware, I’ve met someone who I’m completely head over heels in love with. I know a lot of people have opinions about that and that’s fine, you’re entitled to your opinion, however I do ask that you keep it to yourself. I don’t need anyone reminding me of my past and how I misjudged people and feelings and emotions prior to right now, today in the now. I’m totally aware of my errors and I have to answer to myself for the choices I’ve made, but I’m stronger now than I’ve ever been in my life or ever dreamed I could be honestly. Living by myself is a huge milestone that I feared I would never conquer and every night, I climb in that big princess bed by myself with my fur babies and close my eyes with peace in my heart knowing that God watches over my home and protects me when my eyes are closed. I take care of NJ and Skynard and while I’m not a momma, I’m their momma and they greet me at the door, tails wagging and make my day a little brighter each afternoon. I keep my house clean, I keep groceries in my cabinets and fridge and I take care of myself. I made sure I could handle anything that was thrown at me. My grandpa told me, “Crissie, you’re a tough girl and you’re beautiful and you can do this” and by George, I AM!

Now, onto the purpose of this particular blog. On August 9^th, my life took a huge turn that I wasn’t expecting, because I thought I could always hold things together and no one on the outside would know I was slowly falling apart at the seams. I became pretty good at hiding things. I’m going to stop right here and say NEVER DO THIS! It will stress you to the point of your hair literally falling out in handfuls and it’s truly not worth it. That being said, when my world started spiraling, I was scared and alone and didn’t really know what would happen. Slowly, I drug myself up from the bathroom floor (literally) and vowed to never let another person hurt me or walk all over me or use me or make me cry for no reason or take advantage of me or break my heart mercilessly over and over again. I pulled out my journal and I wrote for hours, pouring my heart out onto those pages, because I knew I had to get it all out and I didn’t want to bring anyone down with my mood. My parents came over, we worked on my house, I hung up pictures, I cleaned, I organized, I stayed busy, then a good friend called and said they were going to Hooters to watch wrestling if I wanted to get out of the house and I almost didn’t go. At the last minute, I threw on a Panthers tee, some worn out jeans and Rainbows and headed out the door…not really caring about the wrestling, but just needing to get out of that empty house. That night changed things…for the first time, I saw someone with as much pain and heartbreak as myself and of all things, he asked how I was holding up.

Days turned into weeks and months and it was impossible to fight what was happening, but I tried. It was useless, but I did try to fight it. One night, we went out just us and ended up at the airport lookout and talked for hours. He got drunk that night and I had to carry him in the house (LOL…true story), but he also held my hand that night and I remember thinking, I hope this is the last hand I ever hold. Things have progressed and I find myself living a life that I wanted for my lifetime. Sometimes you have to put up with a little rain to see the rainbow.

That being said, I do spend quite a bit of time with Scott and I’m not going to apologize for it. There are times when I’d rather stay at home and watch movies cuddled up on the couch than go out with the rest of the world. It’s a new relationship and right now, we’re both happy for the first time in a very long time (from both of our perspectives), so I’d appreciate some understanding when it comes to my time being spent. For those of you that have been by my side the past couple of years, I know you understand why my happiness is important, as you’ve seen the things that have taken place and surely know that this is truly deserved. It’s not because my friends aren’t important, you are, I can assure you. I’ve gotten my feelings hurt a time or two, but I’m a tough one and I’ll get past that. I am not the kind of person who ever intentionally hurts a person’s feelings that I care about. More often than not, I care more about others than myself. For the first time in my life, I’ve put myself first for the most part and I needed to do so. I hope everyone takes this as a positive and understands where I’m coming from.

Reason, Season, Lifetime

I’ve learned recently that people come into your life because you are either being rewarded, teaching a lesson,  or being taught a lesson. You can’t mess up your destiny, simply because it is your destiny. God’s been doing his job for, well eternity, so he’s pretty good at it. Practice makes perfect, right?

I got a call this morning at work that just turned my world upside down. I had a client that requested to remove her husband from her insurance plan. I think to myself, “this will be an easy call, I do these all day long and they take three minutes”…little did I know what was about to come out of this woman’s mouth. I’m obligated to ask if it is a divorce situation or if he gained other coverage at his employer, etc. before completing the request. And THAT is where things got emotional…the woman immediately started sobbing and I thought, “Divorce”…just because it’s what I’m accustomed to hearing, but not this time. “No”, she started out, “it’s not either of those. My husband was killed two weeks ago in an accident. He was a truck driver and he got killed in a wreck in his eighteen wheeler.” My heart dropped to my feet. My mind traveled back nine and a half years to July 6, 2002…I was walking around the Nike outlet at Concord Mills and had just found the cutest pair of purple and gray flip flops for less than ten bucks…SCORE! I remember my boyfriend’s phone ringing and it was my mom. I though, duh, why didn’t she call my phone. I just kept asking why she couldn’t talk to me and she begged me to give the phone back to him. My life changed that day. I became the kid with only one parent, not from divorce or abandonment, but from that real ugly, dark word…DEATH. I lost my mind in the middle of that store. The next few minutes, hours and even days are a blur. It hit me a few times that day…I called to cancel his cell phone, to set up a funeral home meeting, to ask his childhood best friend to conduct his funeral, but nothing hit me like walking in that room and seeing what was left of his earthly being a few days later once we got his body home from Nebraska. I’ve never said what I’m about to write to anyone, it’s stayed locked inside my tortured memories for nine long years, but my daddy looked like a monster. He was cut up from shrapnel, even on his face, he was bruised and part of his face was even caved in. There was so much blood in his hair, he appeared to have a bad dye job. I would have given anything to have found I was in a haunted house and the actor could sit up and wash that scary special effect make up off and walk out the door, but this wasn’t Halloween, this was my life and I was living this nightmare. I made it through the next few days and even went and got a permanent tribute inked on my left shoulder the following Sunday, but the real damage from what happened never goes away and some things hit me harder than others. I still drive down Ozark and look over in front of his old house expecting to see a huge Volvo truck sitting there and I still drive through Dallas and remember eating breakfast at the café and I still hear songs on the radio that take me back to places that I only go in memories and pictures, but he’s not in any of those places anymore…

Most people know I’ve been through a lot lately and while a lot of folks would look at the misfortunes as negatives, I can honestly say that they’ve been nothing but positives for me. I’ve learned to love me through this situation. I’ve prayed more than I’ve ever prayed before and I haven’t been afraid to ask for prayer either (thank you Sammie for always being willing to pray for me and with me). It’s been a long time since my faith was as strong as it is right now. I have an inner peace like nothing I knew even existed. I’m not going to lie and tell you that it was easy from the beginning, but I will tell you that it gets easier every single day. I beat myself up pretty bad over another failed marriage and allowing someone to hurt me so bad, but then I realized God still loves me, my momma still loves me and I got the most awesome friends this side of the Mississippi River, so I’m doing pretty darn good! Ridding my life of a failed marriage won’t keep me out of Heaven, I’m sure of it now. Loving myself is a great feeling. Knowing how many others love me is the ultimate feeling of worth. I know in my heart there’s a reason this woman talked to me today instead of one of my 24 other co-workers…God knew I could handle it. Not to say that I didn’t go in the restroom and bawl when I got off that call, but I was there for that lady when she needed someone to listen. I’ve lived that nightmare and survived and she will too. And now, I have someone to say a special prayer for and my pops has a new friend in Heaven. Life DOES go on and if God brings you to it, He’ll bring you through it. Never give up and most importantly, DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

Music Therapy

I’m still amazed at what a song can do to your soul…especially a broken soul that heals a little more each day. I was listening to the Ronnie Dunn solo album (even though I’m not a fan of him, I do like his music) and this song caught my attention. I must have listened to it five times just letting the words sink in. There’s this older country song that I revert back to often titled “I Want to Be Loved Like That” and this RD song was one of those that made me think for more than a few minutes.

'Cause your kind of love's the best ever made
Makes me wanna come home at the end of the day
And fall into your arms where I'm safe from harm

Yeah, you're warm like the sun
New like a dream, you're heart and soul
You're showing me things that I've never seen
And I can't get enough of your kind of love

Someone told me this weekend that I always knew the right things to say to put how I feel into words and I guess it’s because I hear words that say exactly how I feel. There’s nothing abnormal about driving to work and hearing a song that makes me laugh, cry or smile…sometimes for the rest of the day. It really is the little things. I’ve also learned that living one day at a time works out so much better than stressing out and worrying about the “what ifs” and “maybes”. If it’s meant to be, it will ALWAYS find a way. Things happen in God’s time and patience is a virtue. It’s taken me such a long time to see what I really deserve and while at first, I was mad at myself for putting up with it for so long, now I’m just thankful I DID learn and know better. I’ve noticed lately that a lot of people find money so important, yet I hardly ever hear them talk about the importance of hugs and kisses and respect and love. That’s what’s REALLY important. Get your priorities straight. Thank you Lee Brice for the next little round of musical therapy.

These last few days
Have blown me away
The thought of letting go,
And falling
Is actually feeling okay
I must confess
I need some rest
But with every touch
I swear the better it seems to get

Small Town Kid

I’m in training at work this week and as I’ve sat here with quite a bit of downtime, my mind has wandered to my childhood. Most people are completely aware that I come from a split family…my parents married and divorced twice, truly trying to make things work and give me a loving household and upbringing…trust me, I had both, even if it came from two (or three) households along the way. My parents never said ugly things about one another in front of me, as the years moved on, I saw that my dad wasn’t always a quality time type of individual, but he did try. Unfortunately, he chose a career path that didn’t allow him to be there for everything in my life. I was in the school spelling bee in fifth grade and I wanted him to be there and he said, “If you win it, I’ll be at county”. Well I won it and I was so excited he’d be at county and he said, “Sorry kiddo, if you win it, I’ll be at state”…that’s just the type of man he was. He had awesome intentions, they just hardly ever panned out. But the times I did spend with him, were freakin’ awesome! I went to New York City the summer before sixth grade started because my dad was delivering to a huge project at Madison Square Garden and mom and I got to tag along. I saw real street people, cabs, prostitutes, chaos, the Statue of Liberty, the Twin Towers…it was unreal to see these things, as I’m just a simple, small town girl from Gaston County. Furthermore, if it was a random Friday night and dad had to deliver a weekend run, I’d hop in the 18 wheeler and go see somewhere else in this great country. I might have only seen all these wonderful places from an 18 wheeler windshield, but I was spending time with my daddy and I was on top of the world. I remember other truckers all over the place grinning and commenting on the lil’ girl that could scale the side of an 18 wheeler at seven years old, even though she was so tiny. “Yep”, my daddy would say, “that’s my lil monkey.” He left this world when I was twenty and I still answered to “Monkey” until the day he was gone.

An equal amount of my childhood was spent growing up on a big ol’ farm near the South Carolina state line with the coolest grandma you could ever dream of. Dubbed "Nanny" by all of us grandkids, Dorothy Stockton Bullard was a pistol in every sense of the word. So, when you think of your granny, I bet she bakes cookies and wears dresses and knits blankets…well, my Nanny fried taters, swigged Old Milwaukee and wore jeans and muddy boots. She taught me how to make it in the real world and how to be a tough girl. Thanks to that lady, I can start a fire, cook outside, peel taters, shoot a shotgun, drive a truck, ride a bike, fish with a bamboo stick (because I kept throwing fishing poles in the lake when I got a bite), bait my own hook, pick blackberries without getting stuck by briars…you name it, she taught me! I remember once her biggest hog had piglets and nothing would suit me but to pet a baby pig, but I couldn’t catch one. Those little boogers are fast. So my Nanny gave me a five gallon bucket with some bread in it and I turned the bucket on it’s side and lo and behold, one of those piglets ran in that bucket and I turned the bucket upright. Well, I’ll have you know, that piglet squealed so loud at me, I dropped the bucket and turned the pig loose and ran to the creek to catch tadpoles again. I tried to step onto a bull’s back from the tailgate of the truck once…I landed flat on my back AND got my butt tore up. Life lessons, nothing like ‘em! I stood in the back of the truck for hours on end throwing slices of bread like little frisbees out to those animals. Those were truly the “good ol’ days”. A few years ago, my Nanny became an angel and I can’t think of any better person to hang out up in Heaven. I bet she’s giving that Noah a lesson!

I’m sure you’re wondering where all this reminiscing is coming from, since I rarely speak of these things and this is it. I have a very special person in my life right now who can’t see their daughter. It kills me to see what they go through. The best memories in my life are of my childhood and if I remember the good times, that means if there were bad times, I remember those too. I could have told you just as much about the verbal, mental and emotional abuse I endured from my dad’s side of the family through two divorces, but the good outweighs the bad. No matter what the situation, a child should NEVER be kept from a good parent, just because a marriage didn’t work out. You aren’t hurting anyone in the overall situation except for the CHILD. Yeah, you’re hurting the other parent too, but that’s your intentions, so you see that and nothing else. It truly shows your ignorance. Just because you’re selfish and scorned (due to your own actions, I might add), you scramble your child’s life up with complete disregard and lack of remorse. You make the child’s other parent watch them grow up in pictures because you are that spiteful. I don’t know how you even lay your head down at night and close your eyes with a conscience like that, much less look at your face in the mirror every morning. I’m a firm believer in Karma and I hope when it starts walking a mudhole in your ass, I have a front row seat to watch. People like you do not prosper or win. Trust and believe that with all of your stone, ice cold heart.

End rant…back to the butterflies and unicorns!

Bless the Broken Road

Wow, it’s crazy the way things change in such a small amount of time. For the first time in my life, I’m not stressed, I’m not depressed, I’m not strung up in the arms of drama, there’s no tears or headaches every other day…life is simply simple. I’ve never felt so good. I’m just plain happy. It looks good on me, it feels good in my heart. I worked on me because that’s what I promised myself and I kept that promise. I never knew what some time spent on me could do for my well being, but when I look in the mirror, it’s a different woman than I saw six months or even six weeks ago. I think I’ve always lived my life for someone else’s happiness and that wasn’t right, but I allowed it to happen. I put up with a lot of stuff that I realize now wasn’t smart. The good thing is that while I may not have learned as quick as I’d like, I did learn and know not to let it happen ever again. It’s hard learning your worth sometimes and it doesn’t mean that you’re uppity and snobbish to say you deserve better, it just means that you live and learn and do things different the next time around. If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got. I’ve spent some time with a wonderful individual recently and seen what it’s like to be respected…what a surprise. I didn’t even know men opened doors and helped you in the truck and paid for dinner and held your hand during a movie…I think their called gentleman, but they’re such a rare breed, I’m not sure. What I am sure of is that’s the kind of future I want…not for a month, not a couple of years…the real forever…the grow old and gray forever, the front porch in rocking chairs forever, the grandkids forever…the REAL thing. Right now, I’m healing from allowing someone to hurt me and break my heart, but I AM healing and I won’t be broken forever. My future is still as bright as the sun and will continue to be. You can’t break this girl.

That being said, I’ve found out on this broken road that you truly find out who your friends are (and are not). I’ve done some things in my past that I’m not proud of. I’ve been really mean to people who didn’t deserve it. I even missed out on four years of my best friend’s life because I let pride settle within my soul and keep me from saying I was sorry. I’ve been a real bitch in every sense of the word and I pushed people away that loved me and clung to the ones that struggled to rid their lives of me. I’m human and I make mistakes and I’m not to proud to admit that. However, I’ve come a long way and I don’t look back once the door is closed. The biggest lesson I’ve learned is to only make time for the people that make time for you. I have some friends that I know our schedules conflict and while I may only get to text them and say “Hey, thinking about you” once a week, I make it happen. Other so-called friends could be at my next door neighbors house and not care enough to check if I was alive or dead. It gets old and with age, you learn that weeding the garden of life and friendship is much easier. I don’t need the barnacles of society in my life anymore. I’m not desperate for friends to put up with the likes of these folks. Sadly, I learned another life lesson this past weekend when a so-called friend, that a lot of my circle trusted, betrayed every single one of us, especially someone that means a lot to me on a daily basis. It didn’t take a second though to confront the individual, listen calmly to the lies and stupidity that spewed out and then delete her from my life. I don’t need it and refuse to put up with it. I’m a really fun person to be around and I don’t even need alcohol to make the whole gang laugh with my remarks and goofiness, but you’ll not fasten yourself to my world just to get information and stab me in the back. Next time…well nevermind, there won’t be one!

In conclusion, those of you that stick by me and make my little world keep spinning, THANK YOU…for staying up til 430am just to calm me down, for taking me shopping and out to eat just because you love me, for introducing me to your family who treat me like their own, for making dinner and letting me spend an evening with your beautiful daughters, for letting me see you so happy with a great guy, for sending me pictures of your darling children that I love like my own (these get me through the roughest days), for still being only a text or phone call away when you’re physically on the other side of the country, for loving me unconditionally and always supporting my dreams, for being my little sis and listening, for always telling me how pretty I am (even when my hair is a big ol’ mess), for holding my hand when I’m falling apart and making me smile when I truly felt no one could…Y’ALL are the reason that I  keep going and why I still BELIEVE.

Protein and Water and Grapefruit...OH MY!

Today marks the first day of my new lifestyle. I don't want to call it a diet, because I plan on sticking with it and seeing some fabulous results.

This new adventure is the grapefruit diet and any feedback, suggestions and/or questions are more than welcome. My first meal in the morning is 4oz of pure, unsweetened white grapefruit juice, two eggs (cooked any way) and two slices of bacon. That went over okay, even though I hate eggs. It was tough to get the first few bites down, then I took the bites of bacon and eggs together. I did put a little cheese in the eggs to make them easier to deal with. I also finished my first bottle of water of the day. Then came lunch which consisted of 4 oz of pure, unsweetened white grapefruit juice, a salad with shredded lettuce, shaved ham, bacon pieces, colby jack cheese and ranch dressing. I drank two bottles of water. Also, as a side note, it's better to dip your fork in the dressing and then take bites of your salad rather than to have your yummy salad drowning in a sea of dressing (which is the bad part of the salad). Dinner is 4oz of pure, unsweetened white grapefruit juice, grilled chicken and sauteed zuchinni. And right before bed, I have to drink 8oz of skim milk.

I can't wait to see the results from this change. My new life is looking brighter by the minute.

Again, thank y'all for the continued support and love...it means the world to me!

D-I-V-O-R-C-E...find out what it means to me!

WOW...I can't believe I'm really going through this. It's weird the way things change in the blink of an eye and you feel like Dorothy spinning around in a damn twister with a bumped head. I'm not going to lie, it hurts and there are times I'm sure my eyeballs are on fire from all the tears cried, but I know I'm a tough cookie and will be just fine when the smoke clears and the dust settles. Some things in life you never see coming and can't be prepared for...this is one of those times. I can't even put into words how thankful I am for supportive family and friends that are getting me through this with the best love and outpouring of support I could ever dream of! Right now, it's just one day at a time...

New Beginnings

Well, I'm on day seventeen of training at my new job and boy oh boy, do I love it! It's a breath of fresh air after two years at Sprint. Sadly, I did begin to enjoy my days at Sprint at the end of my journey and thus, I miss several of my co-workers. However, I do know that it was time for a new beginning and I'm happy with the choices that I've made. My new company is the kind of place I want to call "home" for a very long time,

On to the personal side of things...my health has not been at the top of it's game lately and I'm surely to blame. I haven't taken care of myself the way I should and I'm completely aware of it. I'm still not getting the support I need and I have realized that it's going to take me just doing it, even if it's by myself. I have all intentions of going back to the dietician/nutritionist to get the process started, because I know the success I've had with that route previously. I understand that losing weight can solve every health issue that I currently have, up to and including Diabetes. Any advice, comments, suggestions and personal experiences that you'd like to share are MORE than welcome. Your stories are what inspire me!

Before I end this entry, I'd like to thank everyone for your continued support while I've made these recent upgrades in my world. Y'all mean the world to me!

Another appointment...ANOTHER COPAY!

I got a call from the doctor's office yesterday regarding my bloodwork results from last Friday and rather than talk to me on the phone as the usually do, they requested that I make an appointment and come into the office. It just hit me the wrong way. I told the woman (in a not so nice way) that I guessed I just wouldn't know what was wrong with me if she couldn't tell me over the phone because I refused to pay ANOTHER copay to come in and talk about what ELSE was wrong when we could easily talk on the phone. To say I was furious would be a gross understatement.

After thinking about the sitaution and calming down quite a bit, I called back today and requested a phone call from my doctor regarding the situation. My nurse called me back and said that (I hope y'all are seated)...1) my diabetes is severly uncontrolled, 2) my cholestrol is out of whack, 3) my thyroid isn't working up to par and 4) my vitamin D is even more deficient than it was six months ago. SERIOUSLY!?!?! I refused to see anyone except MY doctor, no PA, no nurse, NO ONE BUT MY DOCTOR. My appointment is on the 29th of MAY! Yes, I'm serious!

My nerves are shot for several reasons. First of all, most of the meds they will put me on for my diabetes are going to make me gain weight resulting in my depression worsening and scaring the daylights out of me. Being overweight is something I have feared my entire life. For those of you that may not know, my dad was very obsese and therefore, it's in my bloodline and I have to fight against it to insure I don't end up the way I have seen my dad and many of my aunts end up. Most of my dad's family has died very young...that's nothing to play with...I plan on sticking around for quite some time. I don't know a whole lot about cholestrol, so I'll see what they have to say about that and move forward. As for my thyroid, get rid of the damn thing if it's not working. I don't need it anyway. Send it to organ Heaven with my gallbladder. My thyroid not working means losing weight is almost impossible. Fix the problem and stop making me suffer. That is one less thing for me to worry about on a daily basis. Duh Doc! And the vitamin D deficiency...well, let me lose some weight by removing my thyroid and maybe I won't feel like a whore on judgement day out in the sun! THERE WE GO...PROBLEMS SOLVED!

On a serious note, I'm truly scared of what might happen at the doctor on the 29th and my stress is at a breaking point these days, so please say a prayer for my inner peace...God knows I need it right now.

The Bitch is BACK

I've come to realize that people take advantage of me because for the most part...I let them! Sad, but true. I am a nice person 90% of the time, probably an even higher percentage than that and people feed on that notion. Well, the buck stops here and I'm done with it. I'm tired of being little miss nice girl, I'm tired of being hurt, I'm tired of crying in the bathroom, I'm tired of the mascara running, because frankly, I wear Mary Kay and it's expensive dammit!

All smiles...on the outside

It took me some extra time to write my blog this week because the seriousness is not like anything anyone would ever expect from me. This is the most real and gutwrenching blog I've ever wrote in my life and I pray that by sharing it, I help myself and others.

Monday was rough. I had a bad day and while driving home, I had a very emotional breakdown for no apparent reason. I told Robby in recent weeks that I am going to talk to the doctor about depression, because I honestly don't understand these breakdowns and the severity and complexity of them. So, I'm coming down 85 and I pass my exit to go home...I keep driving, pull in at RO's, order food, drive to Walmart and sit in the parking lot alone and eat all that I just purchased by myself. Now, I know alot of that sounds terrible in and of itself, but what I haven't told you yet is that I ate two double cheeseburgers, a large order of fries and drank a sweet tea. In what world was this EVER okay? Not only am I already overweight, but I'm diabetic and I just put alot of crap in my body that shouldn't be there (especially in that quanity)! I drove home feeling so disgusted and defeated. I sat outside for over an hour and I just broke down. I came in the house and told Robby what I had done before I came home and I told him, honey, it's like this, I'm committing suicide with food, there's no nice way to put it. I'm five foot three inches tall and weigh 221 right now...if I don't do SOMETHING, I'm going to have a heart attack and it's going to kill me because my body can't take what I'm doing to it.

That being said, this is IT! I can't keep going like I'm going right now because I am killing myself. I found out that there is a group like AA for people that are addicted to food and I might look into that. I am making an appointment with a dietician to see where I need to start. As of yesterday morning, I have drank only water and half a cup of Sierra Mist when I was queasy. I'm done with caffeine. I'm not cutting out carbs completely, but I'm only eating white carbs once a day. I'm determined, I'm going to do this...I HAVE to in order to survive. I know I put on a huge smile and laugh with the world and have the reputation of being the happy girl, but lately, I feel so alone and I'm battling a big war inside of my body. I KNOW I'm not alone, but I also know I don't like to be a burden or for folks to worry about me, so I keep alot enclosed inside of this little frame to keep from raining on anyone's sunshine. I know this is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but I'm taking it on.

Thanks in advance for the love and support y'all send me already...it helps more than I could ever put into words. I'll try to write more than I have been lately...my promise. Just promise me that you'll be hard on me and support me and encourage me...I need it!

Coughing and Sneezing and Nose Blowing...OH MY!

Yes, it's true, I'm sick...AGAIN! My immune system hates me. Seriously though, why don't people just stay home when they're sick. I do! I know it might be an inconvenience, but it's a bigger one when you share the crap with everyone you work with or come in contact with in public. I wash my hands constantly because I have OCD and always freak out and worry I'm going to get germs on me from "dirty" people. I'm sure I've even offended (not intentionally) some folks with my frantic searching for my sanitizer after we shake hands or exchange money/ink pens/etc. That being said, I have an appointment at the doctor's office in the morning and I pray it's not the flu again. This winter was my first round of the flu ever in my life and it about killed me. Tamiflu does help but it beats the crap out of in the process. I had a fever earlier and it broke and came back about an hour ago. YUCK! That pretty much sums up my feelings right now. Just keep praying it's anything but the flu.

On a lighter note, anyone have any new healthy snack or meal suggestions? As always, love, love, LOVE my feedback, emails, recipes, quotes, etc. You all ROCK!

I'm baaack...

I know it's been a minute, but no worries, I'm still going strong. We got all moved into the new house and it's awesome!!! I especially love having a huge fenced in backyard for the fur babies so they have some place to get the energy out. I will admit that all three are sleeping better in the new house. Skynard even got to sleep in the bed twice and didn't have any accidents (YAY)! NJ is gaining weight per the vet's request and I'm more sure every day that she is going to be a long haired doxie. Pippi is her happy lil' self and nothing phases her, as usual.

I've been working more diligently at working out and being healthy. Y'all know I'm honest and I'll say, I don't have perfect days by any means, but I'm conscious of what is good for me and I'm making wise choices about 70% of the time.

OMG...Luke Bryan's new video just came on...too much sexy for my tv set! (Side note brought to you by my ADD)

Back to what I was saying...there are days when I simply crave a soft drink too much to fight it at this point in my process. I'm sure as I move farther along, my will power will continue to get stronger. I can usually stop myself, but there are times, I know if I just have one soda, it will be a better outcome than getting upset about it later on and drinking two or three sodas and eating a cheeseburger and half a pizza, ya know? Cheating on a health plan is not always a bad thing to be honest with you. My dietician said if I crave a cheeseburger to eat the darn thing and move on from it.

I do have a new app on my phone that is pretty fabulous. It's called MyFitnessPal and anyone who has an Android or iPhone (possibly a BB too) should check it out. It's free as the number one perk and all you do is put in your food, drinks, snacks, etc. and it calculates your calories for you. You also enter how much water you drink each day and your exercises and it calculates how many calories you've burned. You tell it all of you stats and it will create a calorie plan for you to be on track to lose the weight you want in the time you want. Pretty effin' awesome if I do say so myself!

My skating addiction has been going well. I went last Tuesday and Wednesday and had intentions to go on Thursday but Robby's leg was hurting so we skipped. My goal is to go every Wednesday and Thursday night since those are my days off. If you're around here, you should join us, it's a great workout and alot of fun ($6/Wed includes all you can eat pizza and hot dogs and $3/Thurs). As a side note, I'd like to say that just because it's all you can eat doesn't mean you are REQUIRED to eat yourself stupid, which is the perception that some make.

Now, I just have to take my bike and get my tires properly inflated so I can start riding because this weather is GORGEOUS! Enjoy the intro to Spring y'all!

Merry Moving Day Eve

Holy potatoes! I can't believe we really move into our new house tomorrow! I'm so excited! Packing does suck though...ALOT! Thank God my momma works for a mover and they do the hard part!

So, I might not be on for a few days, just wanted y'all to know why! :)

One step closer...

First, I have super exciting news...Robby started a new job today!!! It's part time for now and will change to full time when business picks up a little more. He loves it so far and I'm so happy for him, for us, for our future.

We move in the new house one week from today and my nerves and thoughts are just shook and spinning with excitement and anxiety. I can't wait for it all to come together! Life is finally paying off! I knew I just had to believe!

My eating habits haven't been fabulous with my stress, but they haven't been horrid either. I'm doing pretty good with my water and have only had "bad" drinks a time or two. I'm still trying to stick to Sprite/7Up when I "need" a drink that isn't water. My new goal is finding out what foods and places contain MSG and in turn are migraine triggers. Vonne is helping me out by telling me her experiences with this matter. I'm going to beat these medical issues...I'm a tough cookie and I don't give up easy!

P.S. Kates commercial just came on and I remembered that tomorrow (tonight) night is skate night!!!

That's how I roll...

I went skating last night! It was the most fun I've had in quite some time. I was a little shaky and only did a max of four laps at a time and then sat down for 5-10 minutes so I made sure I didn't overdo it. Overall, it was a great time and the only thing I'm doing different next week is wearing my knee brace, because my left knee did try to lock up after skating for about an hour. I can definitely feel it in my calves and lower back, which is a good thing, because I know I was working muscles and I'm not hurting and unable to move today! Sidenote: Robby skated too!

I got up this morning and was hungry, so I ate an orange instead of something bad for me. I will admit that I tried the new cinnamon pecan twist from BoJo's the other morning and I ate one and gave the other to Brandi, even though I could have ate TEN! I've came to the conclusion that if I have a craving 1-2 times a week, I should act on it for the simple fact that if I don't, I will end up eating everything in site that is bad for me and end up doing the wrong thing more often than not. I'm doing very good with my water consumption and when I've craved a soda, I have drank diet Coke or Sprite/7Up. I know it's a long road and I'm going to make it and be successful. I can't wait to get my bike and get to spend even more time outside. I'm so excited the weather has been pretty the past few days, because that hopefully means Spring is on it's way!

I do want to take a moment to reflect on a very close friend of mine's very sad week, that ties in with my life in a very real way. On Tuesday evening, I was greeted with the sad news that a friend of a friend passed away that morning. My heart ached for her and I hated what I knew she was feeling inside. I knew she felt empty and like someone had punched her in the stomach. I know you wonder what this possibly had to do with my journey. The person was 36 years old and he died from an apparent diabetic coma. The text I got begged me to take care of my diabetes because my buddy wants me to be around for a really long time. The scariness and realness of the situation affected me in the most deep of ways. This is what can happen if I don't take care of me. I know my husband, momma, best friend, family, friends and co-workers really like seeing my smile and would like to see it in more than a picture for many years to come. Major wake up call! I made a promise to my friend and I don't break promises.

Tax Time

I'm pleased to announce that I did find Robby and I our first HOME. We're both pretty excited about it. We should get our taxes back in the next week and be able to get our downpayment and first month paid so we can get the ball rolling. The house is in Ranlo in a very established neighborhood that has been around for years and makes me feel safe and secure, which is super important to us with my sleeping problems. I've gotten to a point that I truly can't just lay my head down anywhere and go to sleep, which makes things rather complicated if we have to go out of town or anything. Luckily my momma's and his momma's are safe zones for me.

I will say that the stress of moving is taking it's toll on me and I am just so anxious for things to work out. I ate bad today. I had a roast beef sandwich and fries for lunch...pizza for dinner. Guess that's my cheat day for the week and I already used it on freakin' Sunday, first day of the week! Way to go Cris! Geez! I tried to do good the other day and someone stole my dang lunch at work...who does that?!?! Next food day, I'm bringing ExLax brownies. Jerks!

I must say this blog is truly helping me. Not only are people talking to me about something I've been so closed about for so long and making me more aware, but I'm getting awesome advice and support. Until now, momma has supported my choices, but it's always felt like a secret. At this point, I'm like, "Hey world, in case you haven't noticed, I'm short and round and need to do something about it" and the world is talking back to me. I've found that I can use comedy to make a tough subject alot easier to deal with. I can't thank you all enough for the comments, hugs, emails, etc...they mean more to me than I can put into words! :)

Well, I'm going to call it a night...Happy Valentines Day to the lovers and Happy Anti-V Day to the bitters! I adore you all.

Insomnia is not my friend...

I can not believe I am wide awake at 630a on a Saturday morning (my day off, I might add). I might have to take a sleeping pill tonight to make sure I stay asleep my full eight hours. ::sigh::

I've been doing fairly well on the eating habits. Today I took a salad for lunch and wanted a lil' extra, so Berto brought me some teriyaki beef from my fave Chinese spot in Belmont. I put it in the microwave and went to potty and someone stole my food! Who does that?!?! What if I had to put ExLax in all my food because I had potty issues. REALLY!?!? Yeah, it's lame, but it happens around there way too often. I should have known better. I've found that when I need more than just water, I go for Sprite or 7Up now...still caffeine free and not as bad on my kidneys as dark or yellow sodas. I'm not going to tell you that I wouldn't give up a pinky toe for a Sundrop, but I'm surviving. My Fortamet seems to be controlling my sugar fairly well these days, as it hasn't been over 160 in a few weeks now (even through being sick). Hopefully I'll be able to stay away from the needles longer if I keep doing what I'm doing and lose some weight!

I did get my roller skates already and I'm super excited to get back in the rink. I guess even if I have to go alone, I'm going to go, because I know it's a great workout. I'm getting a bicycle in the coming weeks, so I'll also be able to be outside more (which will help my Vitamin D deficiency). Everything has double uses! :)

I'm going to attempt a few more hours of sleep at this point or I'm not going to be very personable for the remainder of the day.

The flu sucks!

Well, great explanation as to why I felt horrible since Monday night, I fought the flu for almost three days without knowing what was wrong (and trying to put off going to the doc). It took the doc less than five minutes to give me the results, yep, got the flu! Not too pleased about it either. My inner comedian says, well, at least you don't have an appetite! What can I say, I'm an optimist!?!?

Yesterday was pretty bad, I ate about three bites of a plain, cold baked potato and drank orange Powerade. I slept way more than I was awake and about 915, decided I WAS hungry and sent the moose on a food mission. Now, before I say what I ate, I'm going to say, I usually order twice what I got and eat ALL of it. That being said, I got a single cheeseburger, fries and a sweet tea from RO's. I ate about 3/4 of the burger with only one side of the bun, 1/2 the fries and there's still more than 1/2 the tea sitting here with me. The bad news is that is VERY bad food. The good news is that I kept it down and slept really good last night.

So far all I've been able to eat today was a sugar free strawberry jello (which I couldn't keep down) and one small banana (which I split with the three dogs) which I did keep down. I'm still on the orange Powerade, along with Tamiflu for five days and some kick ass cough syrup. The downside and worst part is that due to not being able to eat right, I have a massive headache that is keeping my nerves pretty tore up and boy, have I been mean!

Guess that's enough for now. Just wanted to update right quick while I had enough energy to hold my eyes open for more than five minutes. And since I did promise this would be real, my official weight at the doctor's office yesterday was 217.3. My first goal is to be under 200 by mid-April and you know what...I'M GONNA DO IT!

Day One

I found that sitting in the house when you are fighting a bad cold and watching "I Used to be Fat" on MTV will assist you in facing some demons you've struggled with. That being said, I'm taking steps to better myself to insure that my future is brighter than my past. This blog is going to be sad, happy, funny and scary at times, but one thing it will always be is HONEST.

First and foremost, I have a food addiction. If I'm happy, I eat. If I'm sad, I eat. If I'm mad, I eat. You see the common denominator, I'm sure. There are times that I eat and then I'm so mad at myself, I just cry and breakdown. Then, I cheat for the rest of that day, week, etc. and tell myself and the world around me that I'm going to start on blah, blah, blah date. Well, tomorrow never comes in that case.

I do realize that in order to have any type of healthy lifestyle and happy future, I MUST lose weight. Not to be "pretty", not to be "skinny", not to be "accepted"...TO SURVIVE! I want to be a mom one day, but I can't be a mom in the health that I'm in. I must change for ME because I want to. If no one else does it with me, I MUST stick to it. My future depends on it.

My point in all of this is to hopefully persuade my family, friends, co-workers, etc. to support me and help me stay on track. If you see me with something I shouldn't have, call me out. If you see me with soda, call me out. Ask me where my water bottle is. Ask me what I had for lunch. Ask me if I went to the gym yesterday. ASK ME...HELP ME!