Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Today is one of those days when my mind is going 100 mph and my body is traveling at a pace of about 35 mph. It makes me feel like poo and I hate it. I can’t wait to go to the gym tonight and then I’ll feel much better, but in the meantime, I’m sitting at work, just allowing my brain to go and go and go, because I don’t have the energy to stop it. My mind has become an enemy over the past ten years, often frightening me and upsetting me with it’s outlandish thoughts and schemes. Here lately, I feel as though I’m growing up and it’s much needed and long overdue.

My past tends to haunt me often and I find myself questioning myself more often than not. See, the thing is, I haven’t always been the “nice girl”. I actually used to be quite mean and it’s not something I’m proud of. Now I’ll be honest and tell you that a lot of the people deserved what they were dealt and had it coming, while others, I didn’t give a fair chance. Then, there are some that I gave too many chances…that’s where I’m at again in life. How many times do you let a person hurt you before you stop accepting apologies? How many times do you let them stab you in the back (and sometimes the front) before you walk away and call it quits? How many times do you listen to the lies that you know are lies before you stop giving them a chance to even tell them? At this point, I don’t know why I’ve continued trying to hold this friendship together after so much betrayal, but I’m losing patience and I know the blow up will be ridiculous and annoy me further.

Why do people lie? Why risk getting caught in a lie? Why do you choose a shitty friend over someone that’s been there for you? Why do you keep going back? What is so great that you can’t stay away? Why do you betray people that care to cater to people that don’t? How can you sleep at night or look in the mirror every day knowing you lie to my face? How? Why? I don’t understand.

What I do know and comprehend is this…I’m a generally happy person. I smile about 90% of the time, even on bad days. I find the good in everything, which often results in me getting hurt, but I keep moving forward. I cry when it hurts, but often no one knows it even hurt in the first place. I ignore the pain in hopes that it just goes away without permanent damage. I act tough to keep from getting hurt by the ignorance and heartless behavior of others. I hate confrontation, but do it if I have to. I am a peacemaker. I am a true friend. I am honest, loyal and worthy.

So, I had to vent a little to keep from blowing a fuse today, but I feel a little better now. Praying for peace, strength and understanding. I need it right now more than usual. Still believing…

Objects In Friend List Are More Conniving Than They Appear

Sadly at the present moment, I feel like Mr. Kellerman on Dirty Dancing when he asks Dr. Houseman if he knows how it feels to diagnose a patient and then get the x-rays and nothing is quite what you diagnosed.

I’m battling with a handful of internal emotions and feelings at the current moment and while I’m certain everything will work itself out, I’m thoroughly disappointed and truly mad at myself for even considering trusting and giving second (and sometimes third) chances. I trust myself a little too much from time to time and God trusts me even more than that and I can’t question his judgement, but gracious, this blinking sign seems to have burned out and therefore, I’m driving down the backroads with no headlights to warn me of the oncoming trees and narrow shoulders. Not to mention, I feel like I’m speeding too. I suppose that means when I hit the tree, it’s going to do a lot of damage. I still don’t understand the “why” of the whole situation and perhaps I never will, because my heart and mind aren’t deceiving and don’t comprehend this sordid mess.

The worst part of the entire situation is I really didn’t see it coming this go ‘round. I thought the past was the past and things had changed and gosh, was I ever wrong. Joke’s on me, I guess. I’ve learned on this crazy road called Life that sometimes having a big heart and understanding soul and forgiving demeanor are negative, rather than positive qualities. At this very moment in time, my big heart is broken, my understanding soul is confused and my forgiving demeanor is just plain pissed off! I wish I could say “No more Miss Nice Cris” and mean it and stick to it, but that big heart almost never allows me to do so. I guess my greater fear is that my heart will keep having pieces chipped away until there’s nothing left. I don’t want to be one of those bitter, cold hearted bitches that has nothing to live for and therefore must meddle in other people’s business because they are so miserable in their own existence that nothing pacifies them except to stir shit and make it stink.

I must say that having just one person on your side when things go the way of the world is a blessing. For the past several months, I’ve been more blessed than I ever imagined. I know things happen in God’s time and I respect and accept that. I waited twenty nine years, seven months, eight days and various hours, minutes and seconds to know what it felt like to be truly loved, without fault, without blame, without judgement and while that seems like a very long time, I realize that it was more than worth the wait, each time I look in his eyes and see a love like nothing I’ve ever known. There are no conditions to our relationship, there is no hate, no negativity, no stress…just love, happiness and pure joy. When you go through situations like I’ve wrote about above and the world seems to be spinning in a different direction and you’re struggling to hold on, there’s this one wonderful soul that takes you in their arms, lets you cry and scream and get it all out, then tells you you’re beautiful and that it’s you and him against the world…forever and always…no matter what. That’s is the exact moment it’s finally worth all the struggles, tears and scars.

All of this being said, I’m going to make some modifications to my world. I need to. I need to keep the weeds out of my garden, because they wind themselves around my beautiful flowers and attempt to crush their beauty. I won’t allow the weeds any longer. No more priorities when I’m only an option. No more backstatbbing. No more lies. And sadly, some folks are so caught up in their own stupidity and miserable existence that they won’t even realize it’s about them, but I’ll keep you at bay and when your true persona is revealed, you’ll be put on display for the whole world to see who you truly are. People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones and it’s sometimes good to have an enemy in your battlefield, you can tell them all the wrong secrets to go back and spread. ::insert giggle:: Good day to you all!

Damn, it feels good to be me!

Well, it finally happened...I got hacked for the very first time and I must say, people have no creativity anymore. My email was hacked and I'm sure the hacker got NOTHING they wanted there unless they wanted to know I bought new panties and get cooking.com updates...welcome to my world dumbo! Also, my Facebook was hacked and my status was updated with the following "I am a cheating white trash slut who steals my friends husbands and can't keep a good man because I'm fat and ugly."

Now on that note, I'm going to set the record straight and just put it all out there, because I know one of two people are involved in this and I am done with the ignorance of both of them. First of all, I've never cheated on anyone in my entire life, not even a sixth grade boyfriend before such things mattered, so you can smash that rumor right now. You want to call someone out for cheating, I invite both of you to grab a mirror and take a long hard look in it. One of you had others in your shared home while your spouse was at work and the other was getting pictures from guys' anatomy while your spouse was at work...now let's talk about the real cheaters in the situations, shall we? Furthermore, people generally make accusations of their own guilty pleasures. White, yeah, you got that quality right. Trash: not so much. The two of you combined made less than $9000 last year, yet both of you were married and one is even a parent or perhaps I should call you incubator since you don't do too much parenting. Sadly, not only did you both not hold down jobs and make your spouses' work even harder, but you couldn't even keep your houses clean or do laundry. Now, THAT is trashy! And trust I'm going to touch on the 'slut' comment...as I recall, one of you gave someone advice a few months ago to 'just sleep around because sometimes that's just what you need'...but I'M the slut? I'll again refer you to that mirror. Now, to my favorite part...I'm not, nor have I ever been, a thief. I didn't steal anyone's husband! You want to stake claim to something, appreciate it BEFORE it's no longer yours. A person (especially a grown up) can not be STOLEN without choosing to be. Second note on that subject, we are NOT friends and were nothing more than simple bar acquaintances. Next matter at hand, I can keep a GOOD man, I've just never had one until now! Thanks for reminding me...I'll go home and hug and kiss him and tell him how wonderful he truly is, because see, I'M the one going home to him. Oh yeah, did I mention, it's my home, I don't live with my parents and/or grandparents! Yeah, THAT! And to wrap this little story up...I am completely aware of the fact that I'm overweight and not a beauty queen, however I also struggle with diabetes every single day of my life and work out in every attempt to better my health. I may not be a size six, but I'm a very pretty size 18 and I carry it damn well! And your opinion may be that I'm ugly but I got a man that thinks I'm beautiful and tells me every single day and THAT is important to me. Furthermore, I'd rather have an ugly face than an ugly heart.

So stick that in your pipe and smoke it!