It took me some extra time to write my blog this week because the seriousness is not like anything anyone would ever expect from me. This is the most real and gutwrenching blog I've ever wrote in my life and I pray that by sharing it, I help myself and others.
Monday was rough. I had a bad day and while driving home, I had a very emotional breakdown for no apparent reason. I told Robby in recent weeks that I am going to talk to the doctor about depression, because I honestly don't understand these breakdowns and the severity and complexity of them. So, I'm coming down 85 and I pass my exit to go home...I keep driving, pull in at RO's, order food, drive to Walmart and sit in the parking lot alone and eat all that I just purchased by myself. Now, I know alot of that sounds terrible in and of itself, but what I haven't told you yet is that I ate two double cheeseburgers, a large order of fries and drank a sweet tea. In what world was this EVER okay? Not only am I already overweight, but I'm diabetic and I just put alot of crap in my body that shouldn't be there (especially in that quanity)! I drove home feeling so disgusted and defeated. I sat outside for over an hour and I just broke down. I came in the house and told Robby what I had done before I came home and I told him, honey, it's like this, I'm committing suicide with food, there's no nice way to put it. I'm five foot three inches tall and weigh 221 right now...if I don't do SOMETHING, I'm going to have a heart attack and it's going to kill me because my body can't take what I'm doing to it.
That being said, this is IT! I can't keep going like I'm going right now because I am killing myself. I found out that there is a group like AA for people that are addicted to food and I might look into that. I am making an appointment with a dietician to see where I need to start. As of yesterday morning, I have drank only water and half a cup of Sierra Mist when I was queasy. I'm done with caffeine. I'm not cutting out carbs completely, but I'm only eating white carbs once a day. I'm determined, I'm going to do this...I HAVE to in order to survive. I know I put on a huge smile and laugh with the world and have the reputation of being the happy girl, but lately, I feel so alone and I'm battling a big war inside of my body. I KNOW I'm not alone, but I also know I don't like to be a burden or for folks to worry about me, so I keep alot enclosed inside of this little frame to keep from raining on anyone's sunshine. I know this is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but I'm taking it on.
Thanks in advance for the love and support y'all send me already...it helps more than I could ever put into words. I'll try to write more than I have been lately...my promise. Just promise me that you'll be hard on me and support me and encourage me...I need it!
