It’s been a rough morning in my little piece of the galaxy. After a really great weekend, I am driving to work this morning and get a total of six emails regarding a friend that apparently took her own life at some point over the weekend. I’ve known this person since I was fourteen and she used to date a dear friend of mine as well. I used to love days when she picked us up from jr high and blast loud music with the windows down. She was the definition of awesome to me and I admired her. Somewhere down the road, our paths crossed in a negative way and she dated an ex-boyfriend of mine, resulting in some not so great memories, but we made the past the past and went to a concert together a few years ago. The guy she brought with her was a trainwreck, but she was as fabulous and funny as ever and I had a great time that night. I’ve heard from her here and there over the years and was thankful she was a part of my friend circle. Sadly, this morning, she was brought to my memory in a way I never expected from her. When I close my eyes, I can only see this bubby, tall blonde with the biggest smile I’ve ever known and sadly, I know I will only see that in pictures and memories now.
I’ve been through several people in my life along the way giving up and taking their own life in an attempt to fix what was certainly a temporary problem and it never gets easier to deal with the aftermath or understand the why behind the thought process. In 12th grade, it was one of the most adorable guys with the biggest hearts I’ve ever known, a few years ago, it was an ex-boyfriends grandfather that convinced himself he was getting Alzheimers and gave up, in 8th grade, it was a dear friends father…it’s never THAT bad, NEVER!
My game of LIFE has had struggles and tears and failures and fears and depression and lack of money and loss of a parent, grandparents, aunts, uncles and many friends, but it’s never been THAT bad. God has yet to put anything in my path that he didn’t give me the tools and resources to master. I’m not a holy roller and I don’t beat the Bible or even attend church every Sunday, but I know what’s in the pages of that book and when all else fails and you feel you have NO ONE to talk to, God is still willing to listen, even if you’ve screwed up really bad. I’ve been at points along the way where I had to ask my mother to buy me groceries or make my power bill payment, because I was so broke and I’ve felt so lonely and devastated at times, that I sat down and just cried for hours in my bathroom floor and there have been times when things were so bad, I truly felt alone in this big, scary as Hell world, but I’ve never played God, not once. He is the only person who is going to decide when I leave this place.
In conclusion, I’m sad right now, but honestly, I’m pissed. How can you be so selfish? You took an easy out instead of dealing with your demons. Your daughter will never see your smile and know how great of a person you are. You won’t walk her to Kindergarten, you won’t fix her hair for prom and you won’t help her pick out a wedding dress. I can only pray for your soul, because I know what the Bible says about suicide. I can also only pray for your family and friends and loved ones, that we can all find peace and continue to have faith after it all being tested by your choice.
Don’t stop believing, I guess I have to keep living by that even when it’s so tough.
