Rebelicious

It’s taken me some time to think about this blog prior to writing is as I’m not a very controversial person, but I do believe in what I was raised on and feel as though I’m a pretty good person at the end of the day. That being said, please do not read more into this blog than what is written and turn it into something it’s not. Here we go y’all!

Last week, some folks were having a conversation about one girl’s brother dating a Caucasian girl. The girl speaking on the matter was an African American girl (just to avoid any confusion). So, the conversation taking place was that the brother girlfriend uses the “N” word in a derogatory manner (I don’t think there is any other manner, it’s an ugly word) and that the girl is trash and wears rebel flag shirts. Well, I was not part of the conversation, but my ears perked up like a dog at dinner time on that note. I didn’t say anything and kept listening to them bash the girl and her upbringing and choice of clothing. Finally (and I knew it was coming), one of the girls asked my opinion and I said, no one should ever use that word, black, white, Asian, Spanish, Italian, blue with orange polka dots…it’s a rude and disrespectful term and only meant to hurt people. So, the same girl then says, “Cris, do you wear rebel flags” and I said, “Why” (I NEVER saw this coming) and she said, “Because you’re friends with us and I just don’t think white people that wear rebel flags can really be friends with black people”. IS THAT SO MA’AM?

Let me just say that I cut the conversation off right there and said it was probably best not to make this a work topic. SERIOUSLY! Not only am I friends with ALL races and ethnicities, my best friend that I consider my sister is half Spanish, her husband is a black man, my nephew is obviously a mixture of the two, my aunt has never dated a white man, my uncle is married to a black woman, my daddy’s best friend that he considered a brother was a black man and you have the nerve to tell me that I can’t be friends with YOU because I wear a rebel flag on a t-shirt!?!? I think we can determine who the ignorant one of the two of us truly is and if you’re still confused, there are mirrors in the restroom.

I have never felt so offended in my life. And I wasn’t offended because she offended me, I was offended at HER ignorance and lack of couth. How can you judge a person like that? I don’t judge you because you wear earring that would fit around my thighs or question your lifestyle because you wear clear heels in the daytime, but you want to ask me something that stupid in the middle of the workplace of all places? I don’t really have anything further to say about it. Truth be told, people that really know me would never have to ask such a question and love me, cowboy boots, rebel flags, cupcake hairbows and all, because that’s me and where I come from and how I was raised. I’m just simple and southern and if that’s too much for you to handle, you can kiss my country ass!

New Year, New You (and ME TOO)!

I truly hope y’all are ready for the holidays, because they aren’t slowing down and will be here before you know it. That being said, I want to challenge you and myself…don’t wait until December 31, 2011 to make your resolution. Make the resolution now, prepare yourself for success and hit the ground running when 2012 shows it’s face! Without further hesitation, I give you my list…

1. I will renew my black card gym membership at the Planet. This means a few things. It first and foremost means that I have the necessary equipment and ability to get my body back in shape, I must supply the willpower and drive. It also means that I can take someone with me EVERY single time I go to the gym, so those of you that want to go without the commitment, let’s do it! My goal is to go to the gym at least three times a week for the first two months and then move to four times a week during the month of March (excluding my birthday week).
2. I will cut my caffeine intake to 8oz per day and it will be in the form of a diet drink that is dark or red and not yellow (Sundrop is a no-no). I will drink at least 64oz of water each day. I will drink 8oz of 1% milk per day.
3. I will eat healthier. I will eat white carbs with one meal per day, no exceptions. White carbs (for those of you that this confuses include but are not limited to: rice, white potatoes, bread, pasta, etc. I will be more observant of labels and what I’m putting in my body. Salad is my friend, not the enemy or just a “starter” before the main meal. Sweet potatoes are much better than white potatoes. Wheat pasta is not that bad. Season it up!
4. I will continue to accept my past and love myself for taking care of me when it was most important. I will not beat myself up for removing myself from a bad situation. I will not blame myself for another person’s negative behavior and actions. I will continue learning how to be happy and allow someone to love me without mistreating me and bringing me down. I will continue to love him in the same manner. Together, we are so much more than what we are apart.
5. I will continue renewing my faith and belief in my religious walk. I know I’ve questioned God and beat myself up about it, but it’s only human to ask why. Luckily, God understands and forgives and continues loving unconditionally.
6. I will accept my 30’s with open arms and know that I’m not getting older, only wiser and more educated!!! Bring it on!
7. I will overcome and beat Diabetes…my demon that lives within me and tries to bring me down. I know that by becoming healthier and more aware, it is VERY feasible to rid myself of this disease that has consumed me over the past few years. I can do it!
8. I will continue my self prescribed therapy in the form of writing and music. I haven’t come this far and not learned anything and I’m always willing and wanting to learn more.
9. I will end one era of my life and close the door, lock the door with ten deadbolts and throw away the key. And don’t you dare worry about this lil’ gal looking back.
10. I will not stop believing!

So, there you have it. I hope this pushes you to create your own list and be prepared when 2012 rears it’s head! Let’s make it a good one y’all!

All you need is a lil' fairy dust...

The past week has been eye opening for me. I realize that in order to get by in this world, at some point, I have to stand up for me and what I believe in. I get emails from so many people that read this blog, some that I don’t even know and they tell me stories of how I inspire them or motivate them and how my blog helped them through a hard time and so on and so forth and then I realized, would they still look up to me if they knew how easy it is for me to be weak when I’m alone. I hate confrontation, but if needed, I’ll jump right in the lion’s den, however, it’s usually in regard to someone upsetting my momma, my sister, my love, my friends, my dogs, etc…hardly ever is it when someone has betrayed me. I’m quick to defend the people who own my heart, but I let my own back carry footprints and stab wounds without recourse. Finally last week, a co-worker said, “Cris, why are you less important than those around you that you love?”. Dang, never really thought of it that way before, just kind of always went with it. However, last week, I stood up for myself and I stood my ground, even when my voice was shaking and tears fell freely down my cheeks, I never backed down, because I strongly believed in what I was fighting for and knew if I backed down, I would lose my footing and fall right back down. I remember being a kiddo and hearing the story of Chicken Little and “the sky falling”…that chicken ran all over town spreading word that the sky was falling and creating panic and chaos, yet never once stopped to think before I spread this rumor, perhaps I should consider that I may have been sitting under an apple tree. I need some folks to start considering the apple tree before you accuse and create panic and disorder and chaos in your world (and mine)! Life is too short for all this nonsense and self destruction. It’s also too short to spend it being stressed and miserable. Get back in the saddle and ride the horse…for God’s sake, if you fall off, you’re no worse off than you were sitting on the ground under that apple tree, right? At least you took the chance. No one ever won the lottery without buying a ticket. Surround yourself with love, happiness, smiles, giggles and a little bit of crazy (everyone needs a little bit of crazy) and I can almost assure you that you will find while one bad apple ruins the bunch, one ray of sunshine can melt the snowflakes. Again, I remind you, LIFE IS TOO SHORT! Believe and you shall receive…build it and they will come…YOU are the controller of YOUR own destiny! So, I leave you with a sprinkle of fairy dust ::twinkle, twinkle::…the rest is up to YOU!

Cowards vs Adults

There are times in my life when I’ve struggled to understand another person’s point of view and tried my best to find a fair medium. I’m going through a situation currently where I’m at a complete loss as to what to do to form a compromise and it’s fixing to end a friendship.

Since starting a new relationship with much future potential and anticipation, I’ve spent a lot of time building what we both hope to be a long relationship that will be both of our lasts. We’ve found in each other what we’ve both always wanted and life is finally where we’d both like it to be with one exception that is currently being worked on, God willing. I am well aware that in order to build a successful relationship, you must put forth effort, understanding, compromise, etc. and that it requires one on one time to build it, mold it and make it into what you want it to be. Love isn’t created overnight and requires work and patience. A couple can not constantly spend time with others and expect their own union to flourish. Speaking from experience, I’ve been in a situation where a relationship began to depend on others to stay steady due to a connection being gone and becoming part of a group and no longer part of a couple. If they didn’t all stand at the alter with you and repeat the vows or share your bed with you when you lay down at night or stand in between your kisses and hugs, then they are NOT to always be in the picture when you require “couple” time. It seems cut and dry to me, but I’ve found that it’s truly not easy for some people to understand.

That being said, I’d also like to say that all people are not the same. I may deal with situations in life differently than others and that doesn’t mean that you’re right and I’m wrong or vice versa, it simply means that we’re different and that is completely fine. What’s not fine is judging me because I don’t do things your way. Yes, I’ve been through a divorce and I’m currently going through a second one and I don’t need anyone throwing that up in my face or questioning my actions in this world. Sometimes love comes on our time and always, it comes on God’s time and that’s what I believe in. If you don’t approve of my actions, that’s fine too, but don’t judge me, as somewhere along the road, I probably haven’t approved of all of your actions, yet being a good friend, I kept my judgment and opinions to myself and was there to let you cry on my shoulder when needed or dance in the rain when needed.

Friends are not in your life to judge you or put you down. They are there to be there to support your dreams, hopes, wishes, etc. If you continuously feel as though you are the only one giving and your ‘friends’ are always taking, they probably aren’t a friend. On the other hand, if a friend comes to you with an issue and addresses it as an adult, it doesn’t mean they are “putting you down” or “being mean” to you…they are simply putting things in perspective that you obviously didn’t think were wrong but upset someone else without your knowledge (or perhaps with it and you NEEDED to be called out). Either way, facing your giants is always going to be tough and being a coward will always be easy. Make that choice wisely as you never know the outcome of either, but I can assure you that maturity almost always wins.

She's got a heartbeat!

I’m taking time to sit down and pour my heart out today, because I feel like I need to or I’m going to blow a fuse. As most of you are aware, I’ve met someone who I’m completely head over heels in love with. I know a lot of people have opinions about that and that’s fine, you’re entitled to your opinion, however I do ask that you keep it to yourself. I don’t need anyone reminding me of my past and how I misjudged people and feelings and emotions prior to right now, today in the now. I’m totally aware of my errors and I have to answer to myself for the choices I’ve made, but I’m stronger now than I’ve ever been in my life or ever dreamed I could be honestly. Living by myself is a huge milestone that I feared I would never conquer and every night, I climb in that big princess bed by myself with my fur babies and close my eyes with peace in my heart knowing that God watches over my home and protects me when my eyes are closed. I take care of NJ and Skynard and while I’m not a momma, I’m their momma and they greet me at the door, tails wagging and make my day a little brighter each afternoon. I keep my house clean, I keep groceries in my cabinets and fridge and I take care of myself. I made sure I could handle anything that was thrown at me. My grandpa told me, “Crissie, you’re a tough girl and you’re beautiful and you can do this” and by George, I AM!

Now, onto the purpose of this particular blog. On August 9^th, my life took a huge turn that I wasn’t expecting, because I thought I could always hold things together and no one on the outside would know I was slowly falling apart at the seams. I became pretty good at hiding things. I’m going to stop right here and say NEVER DO THIS! It will stress you to the point of your hair literally falling out in handfuls and it’s truly not worth it. That being said, when my world started spiraling, I was scared and alone and didn’t really know what would happen. Slowly, I drug myself up from the bathroom floor (literally) and vowed to never let another person hurt me or walk all over me or use me or make me cry for no reason or take advantage of me or break my heart mercilessly over and over again. I pulled out my journal and I wrote for hours, pouring my heart out onto those pages, because I knew I had to get it all out and I didn’t want to bring anyone down with my mood. My parents came over, we worked on my house, I hung up pictures, I cleaned, I organized, I stayed busy, then a good friend called and said they were going to Hooters to watch wrestling if I wanted to get out of the house and I almost didn’t go. At the last minute, I threw on a Panthers tee, some worn out jeans and Rainbows and headed out the door…not really caring about the wrestling, but just needing to get out of that empty house. That night changed things…for the first time, I saw someone with as much pain and heartbreak as myself and of all things, he asked how I was holding up.

Days turned into weeks and months and it was impossible to fight what was happening, but I tried. It was useless, but I did try to fight it. One night, we went out just us and ended up at the airport lookout and talked for hours. He got drunk that night and I had to carry him in the house (LOL…true story), but he also held my hand that night and I remember thinking, I hope this is the last hand I ever hold. Things have progressed and I find myself living a life that I wanted for my lifetime. Sometimes you have to put up with a little rain to see the rainbow.

That being said, I do spend quite a bit of time with Scott and I’m not going to apologize for it. There are times when I’d rather stay at home and watch movies cuddled up on the couch than go out with the rest of the world. It’s a new relationship and right now, we’re both happy for the first time in a very long time (from both of our perspectives), so I’d appreciate some understanding when it comes to my time being spent. For those of you that have been by my side the past couple of years, I know you understand why my happiness is important, as you’ve seen the things that have taken place and surely know that this is truly deserved. It’s not because my friends aren’t important, you are, I can assure you. I’ve gotten my feelings hurt a time or two, but I’m a tough one and I’ll get past that. I am not the kind of person who ever intentionally hurts a person’s feelings that I care about. More often than not, I care more about others than myself. For the first time in my life, I’ve put myself first for the most part and I needed to do so. I hope everyone takes this as a positive and understands where I’m coming from.

Reason, Season, Lifetime

I’ve learned recently that people come into your life because you are either being rewarded, teaching a lesson,  or being taught a lesson. You can’t mess up your destiny, simply because it is your destiny. God’s been doing his job for, well eternity, so he’s pretty good at it. Practice makes perfect, right?

I got a call this morning at work that just turned my world upside down. I had a client that requested to remove her husband from her insurance plan. I think to myself, “this will be an easy call, I do these all day long and they take three minutes”…little did I know what was about to come out of this woman’s mouth. I’m obligated to ask if it is a divorce situation or if he gained other coverage at his employer, etc. before completing the request. And THAT is where things got emotional…the woman immediately started sobbing and I thought, “Divorce”…just because it’s what I’m accustomed to hearing, but not this time. “No”, she started out, “it’s not either of those. My husband was killed two weeks ago in an accident. He was a truck driver and he got killed in a wreck in his eighteen wheeler.” My heart dropped to my feet. My mind traveled back nine and a half years to July 6, 2002…I was walking around the Nike outlet at Concord Mills and had just found the cutest pair of purple and gray flip flops for less than ten bucks…SCORE! I remember my boyfriend’s phone ringing and it was my mom. I though, duh, why didn’t she call my phone. I just kept asking why she couldn’t talk to me and she begged me to give the phone back to him. My life changed that day. I became the kid with only one parent, not from divorce or abandonment, but from that real ugly, dark word…DEATH. I lost my mind in the middle of that store. The next few minutes, hours and even days are a blur. It hit me a few times that day…I called to cancel his cell phone, to set up a funeral home meeting, to ask his childhood best friend to conduct his funeral, but nothing hit me like walking in that room and seeing what was left of his earthly being a few days later once we got his body home from Nebraska. I’ve never said what I’m about to write to anyone, it’s stayed locked inside my tortured memories for nine long years, but my daddy looked like a monster. He was cut up from shrapnel, even on his face, he was bruised and part of his face was even caved in. There was so much blood in his hair, he appeared to have a bad dye job. I would have given anything to have found I was in a haunted house and the actor could sit up and wash that scary special effect make up off and walk out the door, but this wasn’t Halloween, this was my life and I was living this nightmare. I made it through the next few days and even went and got a permanent tribute inked on my left shoulder the following Sunday, but the real damage from what happened never goes away and some things hit me harder than others. I still drive down Ozark and look over in front of his old house expecting to see a huge Volvo truck sitting there and I still drive through Dallas and remember eating breakfast at the café and I still hear songs on the radio that take me back to places that I only go in memories and pictures, but he’s not in any of those places anymore…

Most people know I’ve been through a lot lately and while a lot of folks would look at the misfortunes as negatives, I can honestly say that they’ve been nothing but positives for me. I’ve learned to love me through this situation. I’ve prayed more than I’ve ever prayed before and I haven’t been afraid to ask for prayer either (thank you Sammie for always being willing to pray for me and with me). It’s been a long time since my faith was as strong as it is right now. I have an inner peace like nothing I knew even existed. I’m not going to lie and tell you that it was easy from the beginning, but I will tell you that it gets easier every single day. I beat myself up pretty bad over another failed marriage and allowing someone to hurt me so bad, but then I realized God still loves me, my momma still loves me and I got the most awesome friends this side of the Mississippi River, so I’m doing pretty darn good! Ridding my life of a failed marriage won’t keep me out of Heaven, I’m sure of it now. Loving myself is a great feeling. Knowing how many others love me is the ultimate feeling of worth. I know in my heart there’s a reason this woman talked to me today instead of one of my 24 other co-workers…God knew I could handle it. Not to say that I didn’t go in the restroom and bawl when I got off that call, but I was there for that lady when she needed someone to listen. I’ve lived that nightmare and survived and she will too. And now, I have someone to say a special prayer for and my pops has a new friend in Heaven. Life DOES go on and if God brings you to it, He’ll bring you through it. Never give up and most importantly, DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

Music Therapy

I’m still amazed at what a song can do to your soul…especially a broken soul that heals a little more each day. I was listening to the Ronnie Dunn solo album (even though I’m not a fan of him, I do like his music) and this song caught my attention. I must have listened to it five times just letting the words sink in. There’s this older country song that I revert back to often titled “I Want to Be Loved Like That” and this RD song was one of those that made me think for more than a few minutes.

'Cause your kind of love's the best ever made
Makes me wanna come home at the end of the day
And fall into your arms where I'm safe from harm

Yeah, you're warm like the sun
New like a dream, you're heart and soul
You're showing me things that I've never seen
And I can't get enough of your kind of love

Someone told me this weekend that I always knew the right things to say to put how I feel into words and I guess it’s because I hear words that say exactly how I feel. There’s nothing abnormal about driving to work and hearing a song that makes me laugh, cry or smile…sometimes for the rest of the day. It really is the little things. I’ve also learned that living one day at a time works out so much better than stressing out and worrying about the “what ifs” and “maybes”. If it’s meant to be, it will ALWAYS find a way. Things happen in God’s time and patience is a virtue. It’s taken me such a long time to see what I really deserve and while at first, I was mad at myself for putting up with it for so long, now I’m just thankful I DID learn and know better. I’ve noticed lately that a lot of people find money so important, yet I hardly ever hear them talk about the importance of hugs and kisses and respect and love. That’s what’s REALLY important. Get your priorities straight. Thank you Lee Brice for the next little round of musical therapy.

These last few days
Have blown me away
The thought of letting go,
And falling
Is actually feeling okay
I must confess
I need some rest
But with every touch
I swear the better it seems to get